SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is February 27th, 2020, 9:03pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Log line review Moderators: LC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Log line review  (currently 246 views)
Patrick
Posted: December 25th, 2019, 7:56am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
Sydney Australia
Posts
69
Posts Per Day
0.04
Log line for “Sheean” by Patrick Gillespie.
A young man joins the Australian Navy during World War Two. Will the choice he makes be enough?


Patrick J Gillespie
Logged Offline
Private Message
eldave1
Posted: December 25th, 2019, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5398
Posts Per Day
2.65
Really need a bit more on the story to give advice. I can say that this is not enough.  Countless people joined the army during WWII - tell us why this man's journey is going to be different.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 1 - 11
Lon
Posted: December 25th, 2019, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Eastern KY
Posts
339
Posts Per Day
0.06
"A young man joins the Navy during World War II" isn't a log line, it's a premise, and one upon which untold number of films have been made.  As eldave noted above, your log line should indicate what makes your story different from all those other stories that base themselves on that same premise.

"Will the choice he makes be enough?" Good question.  To what choice are you referring? His choice to enlist in the first place? Does he choose to be a conscientious objector after enlisting? Does he choose to go AWOL? Does he choose to flip sides? Does he abandon his post to protect a family caught in the crossfire? What's this choice, and why should we care?  What are the stakes?

You don't need to be needle-point specific, but you do need to whet our appetite. Intrigue us. That's what a log line is for.  And preferably within 25-30 words (give or take).

Keep at it. You'll get there.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 11
Patrick
Posted: December 26th, 2019, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
Sydney Australia
Posts
69
Posts Per Day
0.04
Thanks eldave1 and lon. I hope this log line is some what better.

Edward “Teddy” Sheean  joins the Australian Navy during WWII. On a routine mission, his ship is torpedoed. Teddy watches as his fellow shipmates are killed  as they abandon ship. Teddy has a choice to make. Take his chances in the sea or fight on for the greater good.


Patrick J Gillespie

Revision History (1 edits)
Patrick  -  December 27th, 2019, 1:54am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 11
stevemiles
Posted: December 27th, 2019, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
723
Posts Per Day
0.23
First off, unless Teddy is/was a real person and that's the unique draw to the story then I'd consider whether you need to name him at all - save yourself the words for the plot.

For me the last part of this is confusing.  There's a disconnect between the ship being torpedoed and the shipmates abandoning ship, and the decision Teddy has to make.  Either the ship is sinking and they have no choice but to take their chances in the sea or they can fight on for the greater good.  But if that's a choice then why did they abandon ship?  

Presumably he chooses to fight on?  Which suggests there's another element here that's not yet mentioned.  The 'how' he can choose to fight on.

Is there an objective for Teddy?  Sink ship X or link up with ship Y?

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 11
eldave1
Posted: December 27th, 2019, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5398
Posts Per Day
2.65
You still including info we don't need - like the character's name, the fact that he joined, the fact that the mission was routine, etc. and missing information we do need. e.g., what do you specifically mean by the greater good?

Start with something like this:

When an Australian warship is torpedoed during WW II, a young Navy Seaman must --

Then finish the sentence.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 5 - 11
Patrick
Posted: December 27th, 2019, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
Sydney Australia
Posts
69
Posts Per Day
0.04
Thanks stevemiles and eldave1. You both make valid points. I do like what eldave1  suggested. I hope you don’t mind if I use that as a staring point?

When an Australian warship is torpedoed during WWII, a young Navy Seaman takes extreme action in an attempt to save his shipmates.


Patrick J Gillespie
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 11
eldave1
Posted: December 27th, 2019, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5398
Posts Per Day
2.65

Quoted from Patrick
Thanks stevemiles and eldave1. You both make valid points. I do like what eldave1  suggested. I hope you don’t mind if I use that as a staring point?

When an Australian warship is torpedoed during WWII, a young Navy Seaman takes extreme action in an attempt to save his shipmates.


Not a problem at all. Good luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 7 - 11
Lon
Posted: December 28th, 2019, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Eastern KY
Posts
339
Posts Per Day
0.06

Quoted from Patrick
When an Australian warship is torpedoed during WWII, a young Navy Seaman takes extreme action in an attempt to save his shipmates.


Much better. It hits all the log line requirements:

1. Situation
2. Main character
3. Conflict
4. Goal
5. Stakes

There are a couple things you can do to make it a bit more dynamic (for example, the word "must" is your friend when it comes to log lines, as it implies urgency) but this is a huge improvement.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 11
Patrick
Posted: December 29th, 2019, 2:58am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
Sydney Australia
Posts
69
Posts Per Day
0.04
Thanks lon and eldave1 for your comments. I am happy with the new log line. Wishing you both and all on SS a happy new year.


Patrick J Gillespie
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 11
eldave1
Posted: December 29th, 2019, 11:33am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5398
Posts Per Day
2.65

Quoted from Patrick
Thanks lon and eldave1 for your comments. I am happy with the new log line. Wishing you both and all on SS a happy new year.


Best to you


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 10 - 11
Lon
Posted: December 29th, 2019, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Eastern KY
Posts
339
Posts Per Day
0.06
Right back at'cha.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 11
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Review My Logline  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006