Yeah... If you haven't heard of this one, you've probably been living under a rock... without Verizon Fios.

Anyway, I went to see this with my mom who holds a nostalgic fondness for the original Dark Shadows TV series (which apparently ran longer than The Simpsons in its time?!!).

Two hours later...

How appropriate Tim Burton is going back to the well with his feature length remake of his classic short, Frankenweenie. I'd say Dark Shadows is the worst film yet in Burton's post-Sleepy Hollow filmography except before it, he made Alice in Wonderland, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Planet of the Apes. So let's just say this his best worst film yet.

Fortunately for my mom, she hasn't seen any of those other flicks so as far as she's concerned, this is the worst (seriously, she hated it).

Anyway, let's start with the good-- err, not so bad. Out of all the big blockbuster Burton films, Dark Shadows is probably the most suited for Burton's visual sensibilities. The color palette is considerably more balanced than 2010's Alice in Wonderland. There's still a lot of saturation and vibrance to be found in the vein of Burton's more Hollywood endeavors but it's balanced out with some of the more grim atmosphere that harkens back to Burton's early work.

There's also the fact that Dark Shadows is a Gothic vampire story with a Gothic mansion and the occasional spot of blood. In Alice in Wonderland and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, it seemed like Burton was tapped to direct because he's be reticent to paint crazy stripes on a mushroom and make the Hot Topic crowd cream their pants. I don't think either film lent themselves much to Burton's aesthetics. Of course, there's nothing wrong with a director branching out but Tim Burton seems to have problems when it comes to stepping out his comfort zone.

Anyway, decent direction, I suppose. Some fun visuals and the opening scene, involving doomed lovers jumping off a cliff onto wave-swept boulders, finds Burton at his most adept. Really nothing that you didn't see in the trailer though.

That's about it though. The rest of Dark Shadows is a dismal affair. Dismal meaning bad, not dark/whimsical.

The acting, first and foremost, is highly problematic. Dark Shadows boasts an extremely talented cast which, in addition to Johnny Depp includes Michelle Pheiffer, Eva Green, Helena Bonham Carter, Jackie Earle Haley and Chloe Moretz. I guess technically they all put in a decent performance but goddamn, I can't remember the last time I saw such little chemistry amongst a given cast. It's as if everyone were doing monologues simultaneously that just happened to match up in a way that sounded like dialogue. That or all the actors were just waiting for their turn to say their lines.

Johnny Depp was the worst at this. He barely made eye contact with anyone in the film. And really, he's starting to become a parody of himself with his foppish faux-British accents. I guess he's good at what he does but come on, man. Can you branch out a little?

I honestly have to question Depp's commitment to the film. I mean I've read that Barnabas Collins was one of his favorite characters growing up and of course, he's good friends with Burton. On the other hand, I saw a Letterman interview he did where he said he never watches any of his films and after production's over, he moves on. So here, it really felt like he just wanted to act out Barnabas Collins monologues and hang out with Tim... which is fine. I mean I can't hate a guy for doing what he enjoys but honestly, he probably had more studio power than Burton and could probably have steered the film in a better direction overall.

Helena Bonham Carter came off in a similar manner. I've definitely seen this same performance before. Probably just got cast because hubbie's the director.

Michelle Pheiffer seemed medicated but I don't know. Maybe that was her character. Moretz was fun at times but quickly becomes one note. Jackie Earle Haley, bless his heart, barely has anything substantial to do.

Eva Green was probably the best performance. Way over the top but honestly felt like the only one who was really supposed to be there.

Moving along...

Now, of course, you wrangle some solid talent, a good handful of whom have been around for some time, and put them to work yet the film still falls on its face, something's wrong right? Who's to blame?

Why of course! There you are! John August and Seth Grahame-Smith, get over here!

Seriously, if any of you guys want to come to the defense of the screenwriters, I'm really going to be disappointed. The story in Dark Shadows is practically nonexistent. The setup's fine but they drop the ball quick. The vampire angle has almost no bearing to the continuous story, short of lame gags like Depp sleeping sideways in an armoire. There's a considerable amount of bodies that pile up throughout and nobody seems to care (two characters actually say they don't). It takes Eva Green to cram it down the throats of the villagers in the film's final twenty or so. It doesn't help that Depp's character makes no attempts to cover his tracks (except for one character), despite committing multiple mass murders. Victims are slain by the dozens in pretty much only two scenes.

But that's peanuts. There's a love story to consider. Barnabas Collins must reunite with his reincarnated lost love... only she has less screen time than the butler. I think Barnabas and "Vickie" have a total of 1 1/2 conversations total in the film with Vickie's screen time probably amounting to ten minutes at the most. Shameful. Seriously.

I guess Johnny Depp and Eva Green's relationship is probably the closest the film comes to a plot, which is basically Green wanting to torment and punish a man she supposedly loves (why she loves him is never explained).

The majority of the film consists of inane conversations between Depp and the supporting cast. Depp and Pheiffer talk about hidden passages in the mansion. Depp and Moretz talk about 70s music. Depp and his love interest talk about... almost nothing, really. Bonham's motivations change every scene so they cover several topics.

None of it bares much significance in the long run.

On top of it all, Burton just has a flat out awkward handle on tone. The humor is either too childish or too dry to be detected. I guess the overall quirkiness of the story is meant to have some sort of precedence in the department but it really doesn't. The 70s soundtrack (complete with a live performance by Alice Cooper) doesn't help much.

Towards the end, the film seems to say "fuck it" and just throws everything horror/action-related it can at you, I guess to make up for the lack of just about anything happening for the rest of the time.

At the end of the day, I really can't hate this too much. It's really harmless and it seems like Burton's trying really hard to produce something fun and entertaining but I'm starting to think, if it doesn't look like Nightmare Before Christmas, he just can't hack it and he does an especially poor job at assimilating more 21st century Hollywood elements into his films e.g. CGI. I don't know what happened with the actors or the writers either. Again, most of the actors are talented and some, even personal friends of Burton who obviously trust him and feel comfortable and empowered working for him. I don't know how they came off so distant from one another. Same goes for the writers. I'm not a John August fan but at least he's been around for a while and knows his craft yet the script's as flimsy as a house of cards caught in a breeze. WTF?

It'd be so much easier to jump on Burton and call him a sellout for picking projects that are, pretty much, what everyone expects him to do but I don't think that's the case. So I have to admit I almost feel bad saying this but what else is there to say?

Dark Shadows sucks. Don't see it.

I've kind of made a vow to not speak ill of people...but John August has written two decent scripts in his life...one was his first, Go, the other was adapted from a novel.

The rest are dire.

The time period this movie was set in was the time period the series aired.  I remember because I rushed home from school and sat in front of the television to watch it most every evening.  

What I think the script was trying to do was make a comment on the differences between the two time periods presented.  This has been done before and brilliantly, see the Brady Bunch movie from the 90s.  

The big difference between these two movies is that the Brady Bunch was set in a time period we were all living through - everybody got it.  Dark Shadows was set in a time period only its oldest and truest fans would get, a time period that was lost on everyone else.

I don't think it was a great movie by any measurement, but I probably appreciated it a bit more because I was there.  

Unfortunately, I don't think Tim Burton really got what the script was going for either and that was the problem.  It came across as more  of a spoof than anything else and a bad spoof at that because at times he was quite disrespectful of the source material.      

I got hooked on the short lived TV redo back...in the early 90s. It had Ben Cross in it. When I heard Tim Burton was going to do a new Dark Shadows, I Too thought it was a good choice. I will always love Beetlejuice, I have an appriciation for Planet Of The Apes and I thought his best film was Big Fish. I didn't mind his two Batman films, although both are rather rough to watch after Nolan's films. Then there's Sleepy Hollow which minus the Burton-esque quirks, was a very effective horror film.

Dark Shadows? Burton could do this in his sleep!
And sure enough...someone was sleeping and that someone was me!

Quoted from Michael at times he was quite disrespectful of the source material.

That's Tim Burton we are talking about. It would be rare for him to stick close to the source material for nearly all of his films. The one time he really tried (Apes) didn't go well for most.

I too saw this yesterday with my mother.

I had REALLY low expectations for this one going in. I'm an ex-Tim Burton fan, so I knew not to expect too much (especially after reading the reviews). Here's a few notes on what I thought...

-Johnny Depp seemed like he had a blast making the film. I feel he put more into this performance then let's say, Willy Wonka.

-Burton's direction seemed really phoned in. I'm an ex-Burton fan and once again, he just played it by the books.

-the story sucked vampire balls. there were so many subplots and storylines, that the film couldnt keep up.. the screenplay was an utter disaster and the biggest flaw of the film. there are bits at the end that come out of nowhere (especially with carolyn's character). very few characters are fleshed out, let alone have character arcs.

- Bella Heathcote is f ucking hot.

- was super bored the first half of the film. i started nodding off even (and that hasnt happened since paranormal activity). the film isnt scary enough to be a horror movie and it isnt funny enough to be a comedy.

overall, I gave this one a C- and I feel like I'm being really gracious. Super excited for Frankenweenie (even though it's an expansion of his short film).

Went to see this tonight. I had seen the trailer and liked what I saw.

SPOILERS

This is the second film in my life I have walked out of a cinema before the end.

I think the worse thing I can say about this is that it is boring, plain tedious. Actually its a steaming pile of dung.

Before I left, I felt sorry for the actors/actresses involved.

I don't do film reviews, as you can tell, but I wonder whether this is a good example of how studios make mistakes (probably made money, if so ignore me) by taking what was once a sound idea, a great cast, a good director and then give it a .....sh**e script.

Poor.

All the criticism seems fair (especially the romance between Depp and Victoria which has to be the thinnest in cinema history), but I enjoyed it.

No real story and I was left with a vague feeling that it would have been better as a genuine Gothic story rather than an attempt at comedy, but the style of it was enough to win me over.

Sue me.

I feel like a total uh loser here but I liked it ok...the movie. I have to admit, there wasn't a lot to the story, but I did find something in the characters. They were unique feeling and interesting ...to me

I agree the story wasn't much though.....

This was a pretty bloodless affair.
Mr. horror revisionist delivers another lukewarm product here.
It's not enough he messes with history.
Now he's going after TV shows!

The trailers were VERY misleading on this one.
Kinda set it up to be a fish out of water comedy.
But everything is taken so seriously, even that part just comes off awkward.

Top notch cast and production should've yielded something better.

E.D.