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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Alone - OWC - Optioned Moderators: khamanna
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Spqr
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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On pages 3, 4 and 5 are flashback scenes that aren't labelled as such.
If he's afraid of being alone, why didn't he invite some of the mourners to his house? Having them decline would key us in that there's something wrong with him.
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Angry Bear
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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The next one down the list.

Not a bad idea here at all, but your presentation leaves a lot to be desired. Very repetitive read. Henry does this. Henry does that. Henry sits. Henry walks...

I normally hate CU TO:s, but in this case I appreciated them. They broke up the writing.

If he really suffers from the fear of being alone, perhaps showing him trying to get others to come over to keep him company? Maybe no one will come because they loved Virginia and not him. They knew he was abusive. Show some rejection from his peers.

Not a bad idea, but needs a bit more work.

Good luck.  


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Kampmak
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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I like your story but its way to wordy in sometimes, a simple line would just do.

Along the way theme may have been lost or at least I had a hard time finding it.
He is scared of being alone but is still comfortable by himself? The flashbacks reveal more about the relatoonship but what about his fear? i dont know? but all in all it was not a bad read.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 27th, 2017, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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Title is okay albeit not truly exciting
Logline lacks a bit genre? No movement in there… well, then all in all it's not a bad one…

Well presented so far…

I'm on top of p 4 - probably just a personal aversion of mine but I don't like long typing in computer/phone scenes- find them super dragging and exhausting to read/follow on screen.

You need to END OF FLASHBACK your flashback scenes… to help us keep a clear overview

Ending didn't work as an ambitious piece of entertainment, felt unreasoned and constructed imo

All in all, it could have been shorter. Phobia felt a bit written in from the side but why not, it's all right, if that's what you found here.

This is good stuff for my taste and could made much more progress with a second draft, getting some more precision in its expression as a whole piece. Work on the ending.

Whatever, it's well done. Good entry.

@ this reads more as psychological thriller to me;
+ give some spice to your title


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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Don
Posted: August 12th, 2019, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Chris informs me that this has been optioned.

- Don


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Cacutshaw
Posted: August 12th, 2019, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all the great feedback. I have to do a rewrite before it goes to camera and your comments will help immensely.

It's a young filmmaker who as far as I know has a couple film challenges under his belt. Hope with the rewrite he has something he can really sink his teeth into.
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