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Writing’s assured, makes for a smooth read. On the surface I like the idea - blurred lines between dream and reality. Story hit a couple of bumps for me, work these out and this could be a much stronger script - really make the most of the irony at the end.
The phobia seems weakly addressed - she’s afraid of falling asleep for good reason. And why now, what’s the trigger?
The Doctor’s office dialogue is too leading in places. Is there a more natural way to get the missing sister backstory across?
The tougher sell is Jemma turning up out of the blue after all these years. I’d consider a more plausible way to work her appearance into this. If nothing else, foreshadow the possibility.
Was it the intention that the nightmares were a manifestation of Cassie’s guilt? She doesn’t seem to blame herself, but I guess on a subconscious level she does? That’s the only cause I could guess at as far as the nightmares were concerned.
Well written, just wish I could have taken more from the story.
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The writing is pretty strong. I found the doctor scenes to be a little wooden, nothing really happens in them except for the medication change. The ending is good but felt rushed.
For me, it doesn't have a phobia. Her condition is acute, not a chronic condition. It's a reaction to a series of bad dreams. If she started off with years of self-inflicted insomnia because she was already afraid of her dreams but now at the breaking point needs to sleep, maybe hoping the dreams won't start up again, that would work better.
Writing was great, story was good, a bit predictable at the end there but it was good.
Not too sure about the phobia, seems like she isn't afraid of dreams ... well actually she isn't seeing as how she had dreams during the first night on the meds, and liked them. A good moment to introduce this phobia would be when the doctor asks her about dreams and then she responds with fear or uncertainty not that she hasn't dreamed in a while.
Why did Jemma all of a sudden show up at Cassie's? Seems to be no explanation as to why she would suddenly show up at her sister's place after umpteen years of being off the radar ... especially at night too.
Overall, the writing is alright, although I am a little bit iffy on the overused trend of characters going from room to the ROOM and grabs an object and runs back into the OTHER ROOM and does something, head over to the NEXT ROOM all in succession. Just one minor nitpick. To each his own. But you have to remember the layout of the house or this doesn't work.
Cassie makes her way down the stairs and turns into the KITCHEN where JEMMA, 16, sits with her back to Cassie.
Okay, it's a dream. Dreams are usually (bad) ways for writers to make sense out of continuity errors. I wondered if Jenna was on the floor or in a chair. In any case, the action clearly states that the kitchen connects directly with the stairs. From the kitchen, I can see the stairs. Is the transition needed? But...remember what I said about location?
On p7,-9 Cassies dream starts in the LIVING ROOM. She will go into the KITCHEN then back into the LIVING ROOM. Back to KITCHEN back to LIVING ROOM. Where's the stairs? It's dream, the stairs are magically gone. Right? Otherwise it is Stairs>>>Kitchen>>>Living Room.
Oh, and to give things more urgency, forget the "walk into the" business in these latter pages.
She sprints into the KITCHEN and grabs the largest knife she can find. She goes back into the LIVING ROOM Jemma is gone.
Try this instead:
KITCHEN Cassie grabs the largest knife she can find.
I think this one needs to either be shorter or longer. Could be made shorter to be a creepy five minute or less short or longer with more information. Right now you drop a few one line info here and there that need more explanation, IMO. Where Jemma mentions they always loved you more for example needs some explanation. Why would they love her more? Then there's the dad thing, which felt old hat to me btw, that's a big thing that also needs more than just a line. Where are the parents now? Where's the dad? Are they dead? Is he in prison? So, I think you can either skip those heavy lines or work with them more. Either would work better than where it is right now.
I also felt that it was becoming a little repetitive with the dreams. Perhaps put Cassie somewhere else besides her bedroom or living room when dreaming? Maybe instead of making coffee and spending the night in the living room when she wants to stay awake she decides to spend awake time out in public where she knows she has little chance to sleep, like riding the bus or train. That way, it would be extra scary having bad dreams there. I just feel we need a different scenario then being back in her apartment again. Unless you of course decide to make this shorter.
All in all, a scary story that with some tweaking could make a great short.
Solid title Another vague logline. There's no true plot movement explained.
Yeah, Twin Peaks. A coherent story, well-crafted. I especially enjoyed how you presented the whole back-story through an active plot. Well done. For what it is, the horror-action parts could be a bit more to the point, it does not have to be so frequent/repetitive - rather a few precise actions would be more shocking since the psychological aspect and tone of the script IMO are anyway much stronger. Don't water that impact too much through gore and fight.
Then, I see where you wanted to go with the ending. Honestly, I think you even can improve that last part, because despite the fact that it is partly serious there, it also has a bit irony within (<-not needed imo)… I personally guess that I'd prefer the more very damn serious ending. Don't know how you could possibly accomplish that, but at the ending, yet I felt like: what happened before was moving me more and made a more honest impression. Then it was more like the "clever way" of typical short film ending. As said, I think the deeper approach of an ending would do much more justice to this great script…