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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Remember Me - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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Don
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Remember Me by Anonymouse 05 - YA, Short, Drama - A woman afraid of being forgotten visits her husband in the hospital, who suffers from Alzheimer's.  6 pages - pdf, format

Athazagoraphobia - Fear of being forgotten or ignored and fear of forgetting.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Poor comma use up front.

"middle aged man" - How old is he?  Only you know...tell us.

oK, I read it all, but it doesn't work at all for this challenge.  Carrol with 2 "r's" does not have any phobia.  Her hubby has Alz, he forgets stuff. Who wouldn't be upset?

Writing and story is "OK", but overall this goes nowhere and is a bore, sorry to say.

Grade - **


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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pale yellow
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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Love your title. Like your logline.

And kudos for six pages! Taking notes as I go.

I like the way you did not spurt out the phobia in dialogue...that you showed it instead. Thank you!

I truly care about these characters. We can all relate to this type thing because we all have heard of it or had friends or family members come down with something like this...

You do a very good job at escalating the tension and conflict in the room.
I think you can trim back Laura's dialogue in there a bit.

Love the moment when she was about to walk out and he says her name...

I think you should end it there... I think the Hallway scene you put at the end does not serve purpose. Everything else I love about this story. Touching.

GREAT job.


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Warren
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,


Quoted Text
LAURA
Sorry misses Summers, itís --


Need a comma when addressing someone in dialogue. Sorry, misses Summers.

Some passive writing.


Quoted Text
LAURA (O.S)
Next one?
EVAN (O.S)
Have I done good?
LAURA (O.S)
Yes, you did just fine. Now do you
recognize this one?
A long pause.
EVAN (O.S)
Itís a woman.


I'm a bit confused about what we are seeing at this point as all the dialogue is (O.S.).

This seems less like a phobia and more like a completely rational human reaction to a terrible disease, so I'm afraid it doesn't meet the criteria for me.

Story-wise, it was way too soppy for my taste.

All the best.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 4:40am Report to Moderator
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I think the decision to match a fear of being forgotten with Alzheimers is an inspired one.

Unfortunately, I don't think the story went far enough to make it interesting. Without knowing about the phobia, I wouldn't have been able to guess that's what it was and as such, it all felt like a little scene, a very standard scene about Alzheimers, rather than a fully developed story.

I think there is probably a much bigger, bolder story to tell based on the superb conflict you've created. A woman clinically terrified of being forgotten, on the verge of being forgotten by the one who loves her the most. What wouldn't she do to be remembered?
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GM
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hello

Congrats on completing the challenge.

I think it wouldíve been better if you had started inside the room and the wife does the test as opposed to the nurse. Then itís revealed she shouldnít be there by the nurse stumbling in on them. The focus is on those two and not the nurse.

Hope this helps,

Gabe
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stevemiles
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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I'd suggest reworking to shift the focus onto Carrolís phobia.  If I were watching this Iíd be looking at it from the perspective of Evanís alzheimerís and not her Athazagoraphobia.  

Is Carrolís fear of being forgotten really so irrational when weighed against Evanís alzheimerís?  For me it didnít work as intended.  I have to say, I think it's a hard sell to make us feel something for Carrol when Evan's condition is so much worse.  It would take some skill to pull that off.  

I could see this working with a darkly comic touch perhaps?


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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JEStaats
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Phobia - It's quite a stretch to call her fear of being forgotten a phobia. Her fear is just if one person forgets her. But you did get the RIP in so kudos.

Hmmm...I thought too that Evan might be faking? And didn't Carroll have a name badge on?

Ramp up the phobia, maybe have her talk about her mother getting Alzheimers and that she had already been forgotten. IDK.

Good entry. Congrats for entering.
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RJ
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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This was a sweet and sad little tale.

There were a few little errors littered here and there.

I think for the challenged, Carrol's phobia really didn't come to light. She seemed more afraid of the Alzheimer's than of being forgotten. The whole story itself seemed about the Alzheimer's more than anything else. It's sweet and sad, but that's about it.

I don't think there is any thing more I can say that hasn't already been said. Good luck.

RJ
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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A great setup, just imagine being afraid of being forgotten and your partner has Alzheimer's? That's an inspired piece of thinking there.

What these OWC's seems to have lots touch with a bit is the utlra-low budget aspect which drew producers/directors to these forums, looking for work they can afford. Here's a perfect example of that! It's powerful, evocative and cheap! I can see this easily being produced.

You've got some genuine human drama going on there. And it's different, we haven't really seen anything like this. I've seen short films dealing with Alzheimer's in film festivals, but not with this angle.  Sure it needs work, I think you can do more, research this fear in more depth for a start. But this is a fine beginning and I like how you got the RIP in.  

Top marks, my favorite so far.

-Mark


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Steven
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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While the story was very short, simple and to the point, there needed to be more. I would have appreciated some research into what Alzheimer's disease actually is, and flesh that out a bit more. From what's written, it seems like Carrol is ignorant to what her husband is going through and is made that he simply doesn't remember her. In reality, there would be warning signs and any spouse would look into what's happening to their loved one.


I'm probably thinking a bit too much into it.


Lastly, a couple people here are mentioning that the phobia doesn't belong to Carrol. I remember in the main OWC thread it was mentioned that the MC didn't have to be the one with the phobia, but it had to directly effect them somehow, which this case, it does.
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JakeJon
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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A poignant short.  Easy to read.

A  current hot topic for discussion; particularly for Baby Boomers.  (Check out Bill Murray in St. Vincent).

Not sure this met the OWC criteria other than rest.....in peace.

This was more about the frustrations, and challenges  that arise for family members, particularly spouses, when Alzheimer's becomes evident.

Regards,

JJ
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DanC
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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IMO, it didn't fulfil the requirements.  The RIP was great.  The Phobia, was not.  She wasn't afraid of being forgotten, just of being forgotten by one person.

You know who has a phobia of being forgotten?  Lex Luthor.  When I see that phobia, I want that level of fear.  A person who will go to any lengths to not be forgotten by humanity.  What we had was one person who loved someone greatly and couldn't handle being forgotten by that person.

As a story outside the parameters, it's fine.

Dan


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http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

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khamanna
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer.

My grandpa was diagnosed with Altzheimers. I stayed with him, when he got old. He'd come up to me and ask who I was and what I was doing in his house. I was twenty years old, so... I would just pinch him hard at that. And he would scream right away "Khamanna, stop it!"
I never knew if he managed to fool us all with his disease.

Anyway, this woman doesn't want to be forgotten by her husband. I wish she was a bit more violent. She was but I want to see her bent the rules even further. Maybe even start a sex talk or something for him to remember her. It would make the piece edgier and more memorable. And I wish to see her have a problem with Laura. I mean - she already does but I want her mean side to really shine.

Nice short as is though still. Thanks for entering.

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khamanna  -  October 23rd, 2017, 2:32pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Your "working" title is not striking. You may want to stand out more and give us a more specific experience (perhaps a more interesting wording) before we even start reading/watching. Title is one of the, probably the most important hook there is in this industry. Raise expectations, show the "specific" personality of your storyÖ

Here's the link for Remember Me exact title matches on imdb

http://www.imdb.com/find?q=remember%20me&s=tt&exact=true&ref_=fn_al_tt_ex

bottom p4 Although I see where it goes later Carrol's behavior here, her accusation feels unreasoned and off-putting within the "live" - experience, which is all that counts.

Not sure why Evan "lives" in a hospital. As far as I know, these "patients" live in specific facilitiesÖ

The message (RE: last dialogue) isn't touching me. I get the point of a woman who does not accept her husband's hard fate, fears to be forgotten - but the execution then, how you approach it, should better be deep and complex.

Maybe her phobia of being forgotten by him is not properly established here. When you have no explanation for her behavior, it looks your characters are unreasoned and, in this specific field, where so many families on earth are confronted with this topic, it may feel insensible.

Writing is good and clean throughout. The concept has a lot of potential but imo the story must be completely rethought if you want to act around such a complicated and painful topic. Her phobia must be clear so that the viewer don't "wrongly" sense it as an unauthentic or rude worldview toward the whole subject (bottom p4). In a sense, there are no second chances; once the viewer thinks Carrol's aggressive accusations toward him are not justified, they simply turn off, no matter what you do later. A too hard topic for experimentsÖ imo


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hawkeye
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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My two cents, and worth every penny:

1.  Itís very unusual on how you have Carrol asking what Evan has forgotten today.  With Alzheimerís patients, itís not like thereís a running total of what they remember today versus yesterday and tomorrow. Itís a gradual worsening of the memory but not something youíll notice changing on a daily basis. Plus I think Carrol would observe this for herself rather than asking a nurse.
2.  Iíd rather see you start up in the hospital room or maybe her sitting with Evan in a courtyard, with the exchanges just between her and Evan. Much more powerful than when you get the nurse involved, because sheís figuring everything out on her own, and that where the true torture lies for spouses and families of the person suffering from this disease.
3.  I felt it was a little melodramatic in the way it played out.  Make the pain more internal, more private, but we see it etched on her face. As it plays now itís more soap opera.
4.  I did like the short number of pages. Writing is pretty decent except for the over-the-top dialogue and reactions. Should dial that back some.

I give it 2.75 pumpkins.

Best of luck,
Gary


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Cam Gray
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Who likes short shorts? I like short shorts!! Seven pages, huzzah!

Hey writer,

So it's a mixed bag this one. I suspect this could be a case of an experienced writer who just ran out of time, as there's quite a few typos and commas which need fixed up. Formatting looked pretty sound to me, so just sort those typos out and you're grand.

The story. It's a nice take on the challenge, IMO, a script without any bloodlust or gruesomeness. I felt the emotions and fear coming off the pages, and with a couple of more runs at this it really could be something special.

All this being said, she doesn't have a phobia, she just wants to be remembered by a loved one.

As a standalone script I think this could really be something. As part of the challenge, I unfortunately don't think it's met the parameters.

Well done on entering and good, if unfortunately off brief, writing.

Cam


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eldave1
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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I think I would lose the early pages on Carol and the nurse in the hallway and add more background on Carol so that her phobia (fear of being forgotten) is shown more than just in the context of a husband with Alzheimer's.

e.g., she's already written her own obituary - spent way too much on a tribute headstone, incessantly on Facebook posting her status, etc. i.e., establish the fear outside the context of her husband and then when we find out mid point she's visiting a husband who's disease makes him forget her it adds some irony. Otherwise, despite the fact that some of her actions were obviously over the top, they were not to far unexpected - no one wants their mate to forget them.

Nice effort. Kudos for entering.


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MarkItZero
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Brilliant concept. A woman who's afraid of being forgotten having to deal with a husband's illness that makes him forget.

But the script as written is a woman deals with her husband's illness that makes him forget. The fear element isn't present. She seems concerned and frustrated (understandably), but not terrified. I think you need these two things in constant opposition. Her desire to support her husband clashing with her aversion/fear of being forgotten.

So, she's either terrified of being physically in his presence. Or, afraid to ever leave his side for fear that he'll forget something about her.

This does seem like a really hard thing to pull off though. Decent effort for a week. You have a great concept. Keep working at it.


That rug really tied the room together.

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MarkItZero  -  October 26th, 2017, 4:20pm
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Cacutshaw
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Carroll seemed like a hot mess, but I guess she got the job done. I think this might be the only example of someone's phobia helping them rather than hindering them I've read so far.

It's a decent script, but it seems more like a scene from a longer film than a short film. There's no history of Carroll and Evan for us to really root for her to get him his memory back. It just seems like she's losing her shit while the nurse tries to do her job. Perhaps a couple flashbacks might make us see more of Carroll's phobia and Evan's hopefully kind reactions to her fears.

This could turn into a nice love story with a little bit of finessing. Good job!
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PedroS
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 12:59am Report to Moderator
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I liked the idea you had for the story.
I felt the natural emotions swinging between the characters.
Nevertheless did the story not worked out as I wished it would.
The end was too sudden and the usage of the sentence "Rest in peace" a little too weird.
Maybe the pages where just too short for the idea.
But I liked the track you went up on.
So keep it up!

Good job!
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