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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Phasmos - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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Don
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Phasmos by Anonymous11 - Adult, Short, Horror - A girl who visits her past for a cure to her fears, may not realize that is not the reason she is really there. 10 pages - pdf, format

Phasmophobia - Fear of ghosts


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eldave1
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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I tried twice - but really got confused in this one - not sure if it is the formatting or me - it was - well, chaotic.

Dialogue was strong, It certainly met the parameters and kudos for the effort. Will give this another read with fresh eyes later.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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pale yellow
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Cool title... good logline.

I'm not sure they even have asylums anymore. Is this based in the past?

I do not connect with either Ann or Phil really. Need some reason to follow your main character or root for them and I'm not sure even which is the main character in this script.

If they were in an asylum, they sure wouldn't be able to walk around with a bottle of valium in their pocket. I wish I had a bottle of valium in my pocket.

It's almost like this is trying to be like Sixth Sense maybe.

My favorite part of this was the end. It was sweet to see him return and pay respect as an older guy now.

Think this has potential but needs some work ...

Good job writer.


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JEStaats
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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The flashbacks and dream sequences were a bit confusing but I stuck with it.

Phobias - Check (x2!). RIP - Check.

I thought Phil was wheelchair bound, so that threw me. I like that you kept your action sequences to manageable lines. Not quite sure what drove the Nurse to chuck Anne into the incinerator. That was kinda weird. Very fairy tale-ish. Needs some work.

Good work - kudos for entering.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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I was as confused as Anne with most of this. It was well-written but hard to follow. The whole forgetting until it was time to remember was too convenient and added to the confusion.

I think this is about being afraid of ghosts but then becoming a ghost and coming back for revenge, but I'm not sure. Seems like there's potential here for sure, I did like the ending, it just needs work.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Cacutshaw
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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Your story kept me guessing. I was certain Phil was a figment of Anne's imagination, and it was nice that the supernatural was involved.

I don't know if certain things are seen through Phil's distorted eyes, but boy, the staff seemed super evil in this. Nurse Ratched would be appalled. And I never really saw it as a phobia of being afraid of ghosts. Certainly not moreso than anyone else would be scared of something like a ghost. Maybe if Phil was made to seem more obsessed with them than Anne. She's the one having nightmares about the shadowy figure. Was a little confusing.

But, it defiinitely was an entertaining read that kept me guessing (wrong), so great job.
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Cam Gray
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Think you're a Brit, judging by some of the words in there, not sure but that's my hunch...anyway that's neither here nor there, the script.

It's a slow burn, and really slow throughout. It's well enough written, the characters were good and it was correctly formatted, but reading it felt like travelling down the M5 on a bicycle, with a puncture.

I'm torn tbh with this one. Do I feel entertained? Nah, not really, but did I like it? Yes, I actually did.

It's not going to win (IMO obviously), but none the less a good script,

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Warren
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 4:32am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

You can turn the continued off at the top and bottom of every page.

I was really enjoying the writing and the flow until I hit the numbered flashback. Really not the best way to write it.

I'm torn on this one. I didn't really feel the fear of ghost come through as a phobia, but I quite enjoyed the story. If it wasn't apart of an OWC with parameters I'd say great job, but I don't think you played quite in the lines and because of that I'll mark you down.

I did think it was an enjoyable read, probably my favourite so far.

All the best.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Asylum?  No asylums these days.  Mental Hospital, maybe?

And, if you're basically naming the place a few lines later, why not just use the actual name in your Slug?

This is not the way modern mental hospitals work or are.  Not even close.  Children between the ages of 6 to 18 is a HUGE variance and would never be all classed together.

Turn off the CONTINUEDs on tops and bottoms of pages.  Looks terrible!

"nurses station" - "nurse's station"

Dream sequence incorrectly formatted  - "BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE"  New Slug

END DREAM SEQUENCE"

"eye's" - "eyes"

The windows are barred, but her door is left open at night?  That makes no sense.

Ha!  The kid has a bottle of Valium in his pocket?  Really?

"your crazy" - "you're crazy"

EXT BASEMENT - Ext?  HUH?

Phil drags her down a corridor?  Is she resisting?  Crazy!

Flashbacks are incorrectly formatted.

Well, there are threads of a decent story here, but the writing is poor, hard to follow, poor Slugs, poor dialogue, just not well put together.

As I said earlier, asylums just don;t exist like this nowadays, so my advice is to set this back in a time when they were around.  Start with Phil as an old man, maybe, and then flashback to this, and end on Phil again in current times. Needs major cleaning up, but there is hope here.

Grade - ** 1/2



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stevemiles
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Okay title - but Iím struggling to wrap my mind around that logline.  So sheís a ghost thenÖ

To me it read like the clothes are aged 6-18, not the children.  I get it, but itís not quite the image youíre intending on a first read.

Is it an institution or an asylum? Better to be consistent.

Dream sequence seems oddly placed given we see Anne wake from a restless sleep; then bump into Phil after sneaking from her room; then cut back to a dream before waking again.  Could be smoother.

Odd scene numbering in the FLASHBACK - like a cross between a series of shots and a flashback.  Iíd find a better way to handle this.

Not enough set-up for Nurse Penny.  She murdered a young patient for stealing a key?  Doesnít work for me.  I need a better understanding as to why Nurse Penny would do such a thing - take a moment to build her into the role of antagonist.

Thereís an engaging idea at the heart of this, but it needs work.  Three characters and a decent chunk of backstory to explore with few pages to do so which leaves the reader with too many blanks.  Maybe one to come back to without having to work in the phobia angle.

Phobia wise - Iím on the fence.  Did Anne have a phobia?  She has a recurring nightmare where sheís chased by a ghost, but it seems rationale given the context.    


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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JakeJon
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I was Okay up until the Flashback then it went over my head.

Bought their relationship. Good work here.

I think Nurse Penny dies, turns into a ghost. I lost Anne after that.  She disappeared with Nurse Penny's ghost?  Then the fire and Phil returns 20 years later.

I was kind of enjoying trying to follow this one.  Think this is a keeper if you can fill in the blanks.

Not sure about fear of ghosts.

JJ
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khamanna
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey,

I think the way you've written it is complicated. I've never seen series of flashbacking like the one you have here. I lost the track of what happened and when.

I have quite a few questions because of that.
Did the nurse really push Anne through the incinerator or it was just a dream?
If it was a dream how did she die?
Why are they suddenly fighting the nurses and the institution? You didn't tell us it was bad or they were badly treated up until the series of flashbacks I think.

I think the way they talk about the phobias is on the nose. I liked the beginning but thought the dialog could use some work from the very top.
Overall there's a good story in there, you just need to let us see it.

Thanks for entering and good luck.
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RJ
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 6:03am Report to Moderator
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This definitely feels set more in the past, no more asylums around that I know of. A super at the start would clear this up.

He quickly scuffles past her -- picturing this made me laugh.

Pg 3 - I like how the shadow engulfs Anne.

PHIL
Iím sorry about how Iíve been
acting. I asked Dr. Stevens for
some more meds. Heís always
telling me I need to face my
fears. So I have to steal Ďem when
I can. -- this seems a little on the nose.

bottle of Valium - hmmm.

Top of page 4 - Anne's pretty quick to spill the beans to Phil. Thought she might have said something like 'why do you want to know' or 'that's non of your business.'

Super at the end works. I liked how Phil went back to pay his respects.

All in all - not bad. There are some formatting issues like the flashback and a few little typos. This does seem very rushed. You could have used the extra pages, but even then I think this would need more to make it work. I could picture the Asylum, if this was back in the days, being like this - I've been on an Asylum tour and some of the stories of what went on there are horrendous, so that works, IMO.

RJ
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MarkItZero
Posted: October 26th, 2017, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, I couldn't follow this one at all. You were obviously making it intentionally mysterious but I need something (someone) to invest in from the get go.

It has to make sense on an emotional level. Take the movie Interstellar for example. I didn't necessarily fully comprehend the end where he's in some dimension in the future where time is something or other and there's bookcases... but I understood it on an emotional level. A man desperately trying to get back to his daughter.

I think one of these people is a ghost. Anne maybe? Regardless of who is a ghost, invest me in a character. In the relationship between these two characters. Five pages in, I get that Anne and Phil both seem to have visions haunting them. But what are their personalities? They seem to vacillate wildly between being intimately familiar and extremely cold/distant. What is their relationship?

Anne seems to like to draw. So she's creative. That's something to work with. On page 2, they could have a discussion about art/drawing that subtly reveals character instead of Phil shouting at her to go away immediately. Even if one or both don't remember the other person, let them rediscover each other so the audience can learn. Let them fall in love. Give me something.


That rug really tied the room together.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 29th, 2017, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Aside from the CONTINUEDs, this piece was going good for me until  page 7 where there begins a flashback which a revelation that we get two phobia with two different characters, variedr scene changes that eat up two pages and all put together like a shot list. There is no reason why this needs to be a flashback in a ten page script no less - you could easily put this needed information early on. You probably don't even need the hallway bit. That exchange could happen in any other location.

The are in a mental hospital. They carry Valium around on their person. How did they get a hold of that?

Was Nurse Penny a ghost? How did she get her hair pulled?

"dr"
"RIP"?
You don't strike me as a lazy writer. Don't abbreviate words in dialogue.

I didn't think this effort was too bad, but that flashback really killed the momentum for sure.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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