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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  What Was That - OWC Moderators: StevenClark
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Two pages in and we have a lot of chit chatting. No hint at any horror. I would suggest setting the mood already on page one.

Page 4.   A lot of dialogue that is just back and forth. Maybe add something more interesting. IMHO, this is fine in a feature, but in a short it's just fluff.  Adding to the page count.

Page 7.   Ash doesn't wake up when the witch hag cackles above her?

Finished. For me, there was too much stuff that really doesn't say anything. Doesn't add to theme, story or character for that matter. You need to think about what they are actually saying. What they are actually doing. Everything should reveal something of interest to the story. In a short you don't have a lot of time to do that, so it's really important here.

It was an easy read and the girls were kind of cute, but not much more than that.


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Spqr
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Good story, but the ending is a little too neat. Is this the first run-in they’ve had with the grandmother since she died? You can’t kill a ghost, so what if instead of a boy ringing their doorbell at the end, it’s a trick-or-treater in costume who looks suspiciously like the ever-returning grandmother
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