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Hi, the other readers have voiced most of what I found strange about this short, was well written but I was left scratching my head for the most part. It definitely had that creepy feel to it and like a previous commenter mentioned, “Psyco” went through my mind while reading. Anyway it was a good entry and I enjoyed it for the most part, it fits within the challenge parameters and would make for a decent comic. Great job on entering and good luck.
That was interesting, story-wise and writing style. Very well written. But it stalls out with the wife just killing a bunch of people and him hiding the bodies. I think it's missing the struggle to escape her thrall... whoever turns up at the front door could (knowingly or unknowingly) spur him on to fight back... even if he succumbs in the end.
Very nice Halloween story. To punch it up, you might have Jacob slam the door in the trick or treaters’ faces, then face Lilly’s wrath. He’ll open the door the next time, of course, but this would illustrate the no-win situation he’s in.
#13...last of the bunch, so you know what that means, right? Hopefully, a very detailed review, assuming I can stay in, but so far, I've gotten through every one, so I'm confident I can here, as well.
Here we go!!!
First of all, your logline is terrible, IMO. Are you giving away what happens here? I hope not, but it needs major work.
I don't personally like the title, either, but let's see what we have here.
Opening Slug should really tell us what structure we're in, followed by a dash and then bedroom.
You start with a 3 line passage that shows/tells us that Jacob is nervous, disheveled, and standing in front of a closet. Some may appreciate the way you went about this description, but for me, it's way overwritten.
Then we have a 4 line passage ending in an orphan that is again overwritten.
Lots of early VO (which alot of these scripts have had). We'll see if the VO makes sense in the end.
Hmmm, strangely, the VO has turned into regular dialogue now.
LIVING ROOM Slug has an issue with the dash.
SICK! He sucks her sick looking big toe?
I always recommend not forgetting to use a subject in your sentences, as it just doesn't read well and every now and then, things can be confusing.
Page 3 - Opening passage is awkwardly phrased and written.
WTF just happened? Lily floating around and a scorpion comes out of her mouth? TONAL SHIFT to the max! Ghosts aren't creatures, IMO, and things are really getting odd now. Writing is also becoming quite stilted in places.
Yeah, the writing is really heading south, fast. Stilted, missing subjects, odd fragments - not good.
The mother's reaction and dialogue does not ring remotely true.
Hmmm, the ending is a clunker for me.
So, story-wise, we don't have a creature feature. What we do have is quite strange...shades of Psycho, but much more a ghost story...and evil ghost story, in which innocent children die terrible deaths. And Jacob sucking on a dead toe is just...well...it's sick, disgusting, and as far as I can see unnecessary.
Writing-wise, we have issues, IMO. It's stilted, strange at times. Many missing subjects. Fragmented for no reason. Awkwardly phrased and constructed. Not a pleasant read, IMO.
Does this fit into a 3 page comic? I don't see it happening at all.
Not for me, sorry to say.
Grade - **
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
I liked the imagery, it had some cool visuals. As a story, I was left confused. The voice over doesn’t work, it’s inconsistent and what is the point of it? If it is meant as a window to Jacob’s thoughts then more should have been explained.
It is a ghost story, no creatures present, but the tone and theme fits. I don’t think there is enough here to pull off the ending you set out for, but it does have potential.