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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Has Cold Feet - OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Has Cold Feet - OWC  (currently 551 views)
PraneelNand
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun

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Hi, the other readers have voiced most of what I found strange about this short, was well written but I was left scratching my head for the most part. It definitely had that creepy feel to it and like a previous commenter mentioned, “Psyco” went through my mind while reading. Anyway it was a good entry and I enjoyed it for the most part, it fits within the challenge parameters and would make for a decent comic. Great job on entering and good luck.
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MarkItZero
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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That was interesting, story-wise and writing style. Very well written. But it stalls out with the wife just killing a bunch of people and him hiding the bodies. I think it's missing the struggle to escape her thrall... whoever turns up at the front door could (knowingly or unknowingly) spur him on to fight back... even if he succumbs in the end.


That rug really tied the room together.

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MarkItZero  -  October 22nd, 2018, 6:35pm
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irish eyes
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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A logline is suppose to be enticing not telling you the spoilers.

This was a good read but felt more short movie than a comic strip and also more of the spirit world than a creature feature.

Overall I enjoyed it for what it was and I take Jacob's dead wife lives within Jacob?

Good job on entering


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Spqr
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Very nice Halloween story. To punch it up, you might have Jacob slam the door in the trick or treaters’ faces, then face Lilly’s wrath. He’ll open the door the next time, of course, but this would illustrate the no-win situation he’s in.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 11:44am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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#13...last of the bunch, so you know what that means, right?  Hopefully, a very detailed review, assuming I can stay in, but so far, I've gotten through every one, so I'm confident I can here, as well.

Here we go!!!

First of all, your logline is terrible, IMO.  Are you giving away what happens here?  I hope not, but it needs major work.

I don't personally like the title, either, but let's see what we have here.

Opening Slug should really tell us what structure we're in, followed by a dash and then bedroom.

You start with a 3 line passage that shows/tells us that Jacob is nervous, disheveled, and standing in front of a closet.  Some may appreciate the way you went about this description, but for me, it's way overwritten.

Then we have a 4 line passage ending in an orphan that is again overwritten.

Lots of early VO (which alot of these scripts have had).  We'll see if the VO makes sense in the end.

Hmmm, strangely, the VO has turned into regular dialogue now.

LIVING ROOM Slug has an issue with the dash.

SICK!  He sucks her sick looking big toe?

I always recommend not forgetting to use a subject in your sentences, as it just doesn't read well and every now and then, things can be confusing.

Page 3 - Opening passage is awkwardly phrased and written.

WTF just happened?  Lily floating around and a scorpion comes out of her mouth?  TONAL SHIFT to the max!  Ghosts aren't creatures, IMO, and things are really getting odd now.  Writing is also becoming quite stilted in places.

Yeah, the writing is really heading south, fast.  Stilted, missing subjects, odd fragments - not good.

The mother's reaction and dialogue does not ring remotely true.

Hmmm, the ending is a clunker for me.

So, story-wise, we don't have a creature feature.  What we do have is quite strange...shades of Psycho, but much more a ghost story...and evil ghost story, in which innocent children die terrible deaths.  And Jacob sucking on a dead toe is just...well...it's sick, disgusting, and as far as I can see unnecessary.

Writing-wise, we have issues, IMO.  It's stilted, strange at times.  Many missing subjects.  Fragmented for no reason.  Awkwardly phrased and constructed.  Not a pleasant read, IMO.

Does this fit into a 3 page comic? I don't see it happening at all.

Not for me, sorry to say.

Grade - **





To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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Good title and logline. The first page went well and the overall story felt cool as well. On the other hand, from page two on I found the script super untidy which hurt the experience for me.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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Dustin
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 1:51am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Too much storytelling... asides that mean nothing. Like this:

"That’s the best way to describe JACOB..."

and this...

"along with a
white colonial style shirt and dress pants as if they were
waiting for him. There are other clothes, but these stand
out."

Write visually. Describe what I am seeing.

"Jacob, now wearing half of the costume, fastens the cape’s
tie around his neck."

He could just fasten the cape. No need for 'the cape's tie'.

Page two and I'm finding the story a little boring, almost meandering as though the writer is directionless at this point... waiting for something to happen.

Not a story for me, but hopefully it is for somebody else.


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ReneC
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the imagery, it had some cool visuals. As a story, I was left confused. The voice over doesn’t work, it’s inconsistent and what is the point of it? If it is meant as a window to Jacob’s thoughts then more should have been explained.

It is a ghost story, no creatures present, but the tone and theme fits. I don’t think there is enough here to pull off the ending you set out for, but it does have potential.


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pale yellow
Posted: October 27th, 2018, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Cute story...

Some typos  'messages' should be 'massages' and apparition is misspelled... some spaces not right...

WTF sucks her toes. Foot fetish or um dead foot fetish lol bout made me gag!

I rather liked this story. Love the title....

One thing that maybe bothered me a little was the tense you wrote the VO in... not sure what is right and what is wrong... but it bothered me a little... I'm a fan of VO though.

And I am not sure that it fit the 'creature feature' ... felt like a ghost story to me. Still I loved it.

Good job.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: November 9th, 2018, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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I'd like to thank all that read this.  To clarify there were critters involved in the story. It seems to have gotten overlooked. (scorpions in the candy bowl) Some good suggestions.

Maybe some of you were right. I should have had her suck his toes instead. Far less creepy    But I didn't want to go overboard with it. I just wanted to, um, set the mood.

Yes, The wife does live with Jacob. She appears/haunts  every Halloween, and scares/petrifies  unsuspecting trick o treaters to death. He has to cover it up, she helps him.

I rewrote the logline a little, and pretty much hacked off the last page. It is that last page and the lower half of p4 that seemed most problematic with readers.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  November 11th, 2018, 5:40pm
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