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There's a lot of dialogue in this one, even for me. I know this is a lot of kids jabbering, but probably needs to be a little less back and forth. There were also a couple of times where I thought a kid wouldn't actually say that..."What drivel" for example. If a kid had said that at age 12 in my school, they'd have been turned upside down and left in the toilet bowl.
I really liked the idea of SIRI being involved though. Nice touch.
“crowd round” round or around? I think the latter sounds better but maybe that’s just me.
Some awkward writing to start isn’t giving me a great first impression.
“She digs Darren in the ribs.” Digs?
“considered opinion.” A considered opinion from a 12 year old – how adult. A lot of characters to start off with – hope they all play a part later.
Having Dale and Darren might confuse the reader – I just had to re-read their dialogue to check I’d got it right – just a thought.
How do you get the phone credit? Is there a way transfer phone credit to different phones?
“Did you miss the bit about dying?” I did! I’m still playing catch up with this story.
“Darren rounds on Dale.” Some odd phrasing. Is he circling him?
“bit KFC.” And the sponsor of this story is…
The dialogue needs work – it doesn’t read well IMO. On the other hand, they are supposed to be 12 so maybe it’s more realistic than I give it credit for. I don’t speak to many 12 year olds – the point being that the dialogue isn’t helping me keep track of the story – it actually hinders it and confuses the reader which isn’t a good thing.
“BOY’S BEDROOM” No biggie but this could have been DALE’S BEDROOM.
goggle.com That’s unforgivable really.
“What drivel.” Drivel – seems an odd word for a 12 year old to say. I’m not liking this scene in the bedroom but at least you’re giving us exposition through visuals, rather than on the nose dialogue.
“Looks for his place.” This kinda thing has really hurt the story – you mean his place on the page, right?
“tapping away.” Typing away.
“starts tapping on it.” Yeah, this one works but it’s repetitive because it’s exactly the same line.
So I’m guessing that the school is abandoned? Only because you call it “dusty” school. It could literally be their school, and they take classes there – could be clearer.
“Darren goes to kick him.” What happened? Did he kick Lee, or miss?
“You aren’t allowed it in school.” So it is their actual school – someone needs to get the dust buster out.
No way is the teacher breaking this news to them. And definitely not individually or in little groups. The fact the teacher had to ask if they were friends isn’t right either.
“She grabs a file and hurries out of the office.” I know why you’re doing this but… this isn’t a hospital or police department – I can’t imagine that something would be that important that secretary had to rush from the office like Superman.
Be consistent with your slugs.
What happened with FADE OUT?
Riddled with problems that did hurt the read for me unfortunately. A classic tale of kids who get in over their heads and feel the consequences… literally.
The opening wasn’t great – we’re are just thrown into the story which is sometimes a good thing but here, it meant the reader was playing catch up and it made it confusing. You didn’t establish the characters and world. Why are they doing this? What’s the motivation other than phone credit – how did they get on the subject suddenly.
On the same note, and although cliché as hell, I think it would have worked better if these kids were a little older especially has you have Olivia dying on screen. This needs a good polish and some more thinking over the plot - give the characters more motivation or reason to be doing this. I think the opening is the biggest issue, if the characters and plot is better set-up than this would be a lot better for it.
Several items I liked here - the general legend, the Siri reading, the challenge of bravado among the kids. Fairly well written IMO.
I did have a couple of issues:
I was lost in the beginning – would have cut to the chase (i.e, reading the poem can cause death) much quicker. That would have brought me in right away.
Some of the dialogue was - forced (a bit unrealistic). This passage here:
MISS ZERKOVSKI Hi kids, you were friends with Dale Banks, right?
DARREN Besties miss.
MISS ZERKOVSKI Indeed, er, well...
OLIVIA What’s wrong, Miss?
MISS ZERKOVSKI I don’t really know how to say this kids... but, Dale’s dead.
MISS ZERKOVSKI An accident, horrible, really horrible.
For me, this dialogue did not seem natural and was a bit lumbering. I think she could have just walked up with a look of concern/anxiety on her face. One of the kids ask her what's wrong - she responds - there's been a horrible accident - Dale.
A couple of minor typos
DALE Stay out of it. Olivia, what were you thinking.
oo i actually quite liked this. It has some pretty cool elements to it. The start didn't grab me though, I think that could be touched up a bit, add some more tension and cut some of the talk out. but as soon as it went to Dale's house it picked up. The ending was good, I like that.
Good overview concerning characters. It starts vivid.
Olivia gives an odd reaction here when she's, first, keeping it so short, and secondly, it comes across as if she also refers to the curse; is the "fear" in case of the curse already settled within her subconsciousness??? I think her usual intuition is still master about her and should shock her as if she loses a friend, as it was for Darren and Lee.
Okay a nice kill with the shocks that must look great on screen. I honor your approach of doing something with so many kids. I liked how you developed the first scene with getting in late, somehow it wasn't enough in the end for me. A rewrite could help here.
Dialogue: The talking heads scene stretched a bit too long. But the lines sounded real to me and natural.
Character: You haven't made much effort to show us what kind of kids they are. So I didn't care for them.
Story: I'd try to avoid introducing so many characters in that manner. Take it slowly. One by one. And make the introduction tell us more about their personality.
The atmosphere was spot on. I was afraid to look up the urban legend on google. I even didn't want to read the poem lines from the script. *shivers* well done. The opening scene did the trick. They were talking about a subject unknown to me, and bit by bit I got to understand what they were talking about. It was well paced in my humble opinion.
I wished for a twist or a surprise. I expected Olivia to get into trouble even that she didn't read it herself, so I wanted you to do something I couldn't expect.
Overall: If I was a producer and was given this script, I would turn it down, but I would ask to read your other horror scripts. You got your way with the genre and I liked it.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Thanks Reef - wasn't sure what happened after the OWC with scripts and re-submission, but I've taken on board a lot of the feedback look forward to seeing what people think of the new version when I submit it.