SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 26th, 2019, 1:15am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The August/September Challenge has begun!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Poetry Corner - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Poetry Corner - OWC  (currently 2726 views)
Dustin
Posted: February 20th, 2015, 7:52am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5386
Posts Per Day
2.42
When my phone is plugged into the mains and charging, SIRI will sometimes think I'm speaking to her and answer questions I never asked. Spooky though too, sometimes...


Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 26
Kip
Posted: February 20th, 2015, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


At my signal, unleash Hellboy

Location
St Albans, England
Posts
73
Posts Per Day
0.03
There's a lot of dialogue in this one, even for me. I know this is a lot of kids jabbering, but probably needs to be a little less back and forth. There were also a couple of times where I thought a kid wouldn't actually say that..."What drivel" for example. If a kid had said that at age 12 in my school, they'd have been turned upside down and left in the toilet bowl.

I really liked the idea of SIRI being involved though. Nice touch.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 26
CoopBazinga
Posted: February 21st, 2015, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Perth, Australia
Posts
1223
Posts Per Day
0.43
“crowd round” round or around? I think the latter sounds better but maybe that’s just me.

Some awkward writing to start isn’t giving me a great first impression.

“She digs Darren in the ribs.” Digs?

“considered opinion.” A considered opinion from a 12 year old – how adult. A lot of characters to start off with – hope they all play a part later.

Having Dale and Darren might confuse the reader – I just had to re-read their dialogue to check I’d got it right – just a thought.

How do you get the phone credit? Is there a way transfer phone credit to different phones?

“Did you miss the bit about dying?” I did! I’m still playing catch up with this story.

“Darren rounds on Dale.” Some odd phrasing. Is he circling him?

“bit KFC.” And the sponsor of this story is…

The dialogue needs work – it doesn’t read well IMO. On the other hand, they are supposed to be 12 so maybe it’s more realistic than I give it credit for.  I don’t speak to many 12 year olds – the point being that the dialogue isn’t helping me keep track of the story – it actually hinders it and confuses the reader which isn’t a good thing.

“BOY’S BEDROOM” No biggie but this could have been DALE’S BEDROOM.

goggle.com That’s unforgivable really.

“What drivel.” Drivel – seems an odd word for a 12 year old to say. I’m not liking this scene in the bedroom but at least you’re giving us exposition through visuals, rather than on the nose dialogue.

“Looks for his place.” This kinda thing has really hurt the story – you mean his place on the page, right?

“tapping away.” Typing away.

“starts tapping on it.” Yeah, this one works but it’s repetitive because it’s exactly the same line.

So I’m guessing that the school is abandoned? Only because you call it “dusty” school. It could literally be their school, and they take classes there – could be clearer.

“Darren goes to kick him.” What happened? Did he kick Lee, or miss?

“You aren’t allowed it in school.” So it is their actual school – someone needs to get the dust buster out.

No way is the teacher breaking this news to them. And definitely not individually or in little groups. The fact the teacher had to ask if they were friends isn’t right either.

“She grabs a file and hurries out of the office.” I know why you’re doing this but… this isn’t a hospital or police department – I can’t imagine that something would be that important that secretary had to rush from the office like Superman.

Be consistent with your slugs.

What happened with FADE OUT?

Riddled with problems that did hurt the read for me unfortunately. A classic tale of kids who get in over their heads and feel the consequences… literally.

The opening wasn’t great – we’re are just thrown into the story which is sometimes a good thing but here, it meant the reader was playing catch up and it made it confusing. You didn’t establish the characters and world. Why are they doing this? What’s the motivation other than phone credit – how did they get on the subject suddenly.

On the same note, and although cliché as hell, I think it would have worked better if these kids were a little older especially has you have Olivia dying on screen. This needs a good polish and some more thinking over the plot - give the characters more motivation or reason to be doing this. I think the opening is the biggest issue, if the characters and plot is better set-up than this would be a lot better for it.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 26
eldave1
Posted: February 21st, 2015, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4864
Posts Per Day
2.63
Several items I liked here - the general legend, the Siri reading, the challenge of bravado among the kids. Fairly well written IMO.

I did have a couple of issues:

I was lost in the beginning – would have cut to the chase (i.e, reading the poem can cause death) much quicker. That would have brought me in right away.

Some of the dialogue was - forced (a bit unrealistic). This passage here:


Quoted Text
MISS ZERKOVSKI
Hi kids, you were friends with Dale Banks, right?

DARREN Besties miss.

MISS ZERKOVSKI Indeed, er, well...

OLIVIA
What’s wrong, Miss?

MISS ZERKOVSKI I don’t really know how to say this kids... but, Dale’s dead.

DARREN/LEE
NO!

OLIVIA How?

MISS ZERKOVSKI An accident, horrible, really horrible.



For me, this dialogue did not seem natural and was a bit lumbering. I think she could have just walked up with a look of concern/anxiety on her face. One of the kids ask her what's wrong - she responds - there's been a horrible accident - Dale.

A couple of minor typos


Quoted Text
DALE
Stay out of it. Olivia, what were you thinking.


Question mark?

I really enjoyed the ending.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 26
DebbieM
Posted: February 22nd, 2015, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.01
oo i actually quite liked this. It has some pretty cool elements to it. The start didn't grab me though, I think that could be touched up a bit, add some more tension and cut some of the talk out.  but as soon as it went to Dale's house it picked up.
The ending was good, I like that.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 19 - 26
PrussianMosby
Posted: February 23rd, 2015, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1365
Posts Per Day
0.64
POETRY CORNER

Good overview concerning characters. It starts vivid.

"...Dale’s dead.

DARREN/LEE
NO!

OLIVIA
How?"

Olivia gives an odd reaction here when she's, first, keeping it so short, and secondly, it comes across as if she also refers to the curse; is the "fear" in case of the curse already settled within her subconsciousness??? I think her usual intuition is still master about her and should shock her as if she loses a friend, as it was for Darren and Lee.

Okay a nice kill with the shocks that must look great on screen. I honor your approach of doing something with so many kids. I liked how you developed the first scene with getting in late, somehow it wasn't enough in the end for me. A rewrite could help here.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)


Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
PrussianMosby  -  February 23rd, 2015, 2:22pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 26
Kyle
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Dorset
Posts
106
Posts Per Day
0.05
A quick read but also an uninteresting one.

The main problem for me was the dialogue. There's way too much of it and all of the characters sound the same. I think the first 4 pages could easily be cut down to 1.

The scene in Dale's bedroom held my interest a little longer but it was short lived and then back to more pages of kids talking. The ending was OK, but didn't make up for what came before it.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 26
RayW
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1835
Posts Per Day
0.55
Sublimely interesting story.
I appreciate how “inferred” much of it is, nothing cartoonishly vulgar.
This would make a fair short film that begs for gore but benefits from its subtlety.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 22 - 26
realxwriter
Posted: February 27th, 2015, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
165
Posts Per Day
0.07
Writing style:
Good.

Dialogue:
The talking heads scene stretched a bit too long. But the lines sounded real to me and natural.

Character:
You haven't made much effort to show us what kind of kids they are. So I didn't care for them.

Story:
I'd try to avoid introducing so many characters in that manner. Take it slowly. One by one. And make the introduction tell us more about their personality.

The atmosphere was spot on. I was afraid to look up the urban legend on google. I even didn't want to read the poem lines from the script. *shivers* well done. The opening scene did the trick. They were talking about a subject unknown to me, and bit by bit I got to understand what they were talking about. It was well paced in my humble opinion.

I wished for a twist or a surprise. I expected Olivia to get into trouble even that she didn't read it herself, so I wanted you to do something I couldn't expect.

Overall:
If I was a producer and was given this script, I would turn it down, but I would ask to read your other horror scripts. You got your way with the genre and I liked it.

Good luck and well done
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 26
AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 28th, 2015, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
3016
Posts Per Day
1.43
Thanks to all for the reads and comments, my new version is much tighter, a bit shorter and improved overall.

This was my first OWC so was an interesting exxpereience all round.

I went a little further afield for my UL - http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Tomino%27s_Hell/JA

RayW - thanks man, I tried to infer more than show on purpose as that tends to be the way with J Horror...

Looking forward to the next OWC already but would like to suggest that only those who can be arsed writing something should comment and vote.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 24 - 26
Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 28th, 2015, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


where's my simply scripts thong?

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2525
Posts Per Day
0.86
I haven't read the revsied version, but as I said the Siri inclusion has real potential. As Simon Cowell would say, it's current.

Hope it goes well


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 25 - 26
AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 28th, 2015, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
3016
Posts Per Day
1.43
Thanks Reef - wasn't sure what happened after the OWC with scripts and re-submission, but I've taken on board a lot of the feedback look forward to seeing what people think of the new version when I submit it.

Good work on Teeth too mate.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 26 - 26
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    February 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006