4.0

i wonder what the title means? american marking system?

logline - not your usual decision to make - i wonder why this would be. lets see...

helen - first page, bit heavy handed for my taste

sorry to say this but by page six I'm a tad bored, and not wholly sure what a 4.0 is?

is there age gaps going on here that we don't know? unclear flashbacks etc

the scene with the girls didn't really work for me - a kid with a knife, lots of blood, and you run up to them??

the final scene with the police was part unnecessary, although i liked the mother nodding back

all the best

Finally... Two (besides my own ) that I like.

Not really much I had a problem with, other than a few orphan words.

Grading method:
4.0
3.0
2.0
1.0
0

I give this one an A+ and a 4.0, because the story was great enough to overlook the aforementioned orphans.

4.0

This is all cool, the dialogue is heavily overwritten but that's an easy fix and everything else works fine imo. Especially the way you made the transitions between old and young James(during single scenes without cutting) is handled brave and beautiful, I bet a director would love to work with it; quite effective.

Then there's that one point: I just can't believe the women run over to Tyler without knowing what's actually going on. No way. That's a dead or alive moment. Sure it's fiction but I think you should construct it different; it's too absurd facing such danger.

Also I didn't entirely get the plot of killing somebody for a better grade. Maybe the mother should give a hint that hurting the competition helps to succeed for example.

Maybe there's a chance to interweave so that it also explains Helen's demise. If you find a way to put this all together you have a hit here.

Otherwise the script reads pretty good.

The title instantly reminds me of Die Hard 4.

The dorm has caught me off guard from the get-go. You could have started this in the kitchenette – no reason for the living room scene IMO.

Strict parenting – I can relate. If it’s not an A+, back to the drawing board.

The writing could be tightened – lots of superfluous details creep in which is noticeable. I have to admit that I had to read the second page again – was really confused at first about the older James but I think it’s supposed to be the same kid, right?

“Jesus, do you ever smile?” His name is James, dude! Man, I hate skateboarders.

“Helen is no longer there.” This is part of the confusion for me – it almost makes you think this is still the same time as before, not to mention they’re in the exact same building and kitchenette.

“He doesn’t notice a KNIFE MISSING from the knife block.” Why would he? Unless he was about to chop up some onions or something.

“Ninety-eight.” “74.” Always write out numbers in dialogue – what bothers me more is the inconsistency but don’t fret – it’s a per-peeve of mine.

Yes, please stop talking about your scores – it’s really boring.

Couldn’t of Tyler just grabbed the champagne before? I love how all this alcohol remains untouched in the dorm.

Why inspect the bottle closer? It’s pretty obvious that it’s empty on the table – did he need to investigate further just to make sure his theory was right.

“James comes with two filled champagne glasses.” That’s not a good imagine.

“Tyler eyes them, suspiciously.” So would I. He should get a closer look – this Tyler likes to investigate every drink, doesn’t he.

What’s happening? This dialogue is going right over my head – why is Tyler sweating? Are they going to the party or what?

At least you’ve been consistent with James and his attire – it’s always black.

“runs his hand through his hand” Typo, or another way to say that he’s spanking the monkey.

“James pulls a butcher knife out of his waistband as:” See, let’s be honest. He could have just left that knife in the knife block, and grabbed it at this point. He’s taking a massive risk having that knife in the waistband – any wrong move and he won’t be coming with champagne glasses again.

“Don’t worry, Tyler. You won’t feel a thing.” Okay, man – that’s cool. I know I feel better.

“A little tubocurarine on a tack was enough.” A pussy way to kill someone though isn’t it… it’s the cowards way but I guess he is a science geek.

So James is sorry and doesn’t really want to do this, it’s for his mom. Yet he keeps stabbing the corpse. I think this kid’s lying about all that perfect score crap – he’s a psycho.

Why does James stand to side? Is this to give them a better view of the murder he’s just committed?

“Tyler long-since dead” Well, it’s only been a couple of minutes at most.

I love these chicks – they’re not scared at all. Eileen grabs his collar like a football coach mad about the play.

So Helen’s proud that her son killed another kid. I know she was strict about his grades but still…

Yep, the ending kinda summed it up – no idea what it was all about. Well, I know the kids motivation which is a plus but is it even impossible? How does killing this kid help change his grades? And then his dead mother wonders through the crowd (Braveheart style, but not as emotional) to smile and say “you did well”.

There was lots of wasteful banter before we finally got to the actual plot but by then I’d lost interest I’m sorry to say. I actually liked the beginning with the younger James and how his mother drives him on to be the best, but the scenes with Tyler just lost me.

It’s a C- from me, James – Your Mom will not be pleased.

I couldn't find much to like about this one.  

I'm not familiar with the legend but I felt like I knew what was going to happen by the end of page 2 when the knife was missing. Maybe the logline gives too much away but it played out how I expected. I was waiting for a twist or something but in never came. Unless his mother being dead was one but I found that predictable too.

James' dialogue on page 8 just confirms what we already know and felt unnecessary. I think this could be better if you let the reader fill in a few gaps by themselves instead of spelling everything out for them. I did like the format choice for the flashbacks.

Wow! Mom’s a d!ck! Great first page.  
Then… the story fall into the dreaded “set up doldrums.”
Gets better when the pieces fall into place.
Then gets weird with the OTN police interrogation of Eilleen.
Hmm… overall it’s fine. Just a little bland and perfunctory for my tastes, but otherwise some competent writing.

Writing style:
Clear. Short to the point. Well done.

Dialogue:
Nothing seemed off. The exposition when they talked about the urban legend was a bit too obvious. I wish you could have smoothed it out a bit. Or distracted us with something else while they were talking about it.

Character:
I admired how you made me root for the little kid who got A- with one scene. Hats off. I wished James had more depth to him except his obsession with a perfect grade. I wanted to relate to him the same way I related to the kid in the opening.

His friend was more lively. I liked him. I also wished you made a better show of their friendship so the knife scene would have had a stronger impact on me.

Story:
There was nothing wrong with the story except predictability. I saw where it was going the moment his friend changed the drinks. I wanted to be surprised or at least for Tyler to put up a better fight for his life. I know he was drugged. I wanted you to give him room to resist. I'm saying this because the suspenseful bit happened to be too quick for my liking. Like the long build up was resolved unceremoniously in a haste.

Overall:
I thought it was a nice story for one week work. I wanted it to be spiced up a little more. Either with more drama or more suspense. Felt a bit dull. But I see your talent as clear as day.

Good luck and well done.

Well written so it was an easy read.
Figured out pretty quick that James was missing a screw or two...
Dialogue-heavy, which isn't always bad, since the conversation was interesting. Wondered if there might be someone for the actors to do, though, while delivering their lines. Give the audience something to watch while they listen.
As a mother of three college boys, this one made me a tad bit nervous.