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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Radio and Stage Plays  ›  A Father's Love
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  Author    A Father's Love  (currently 2265 views)
Don
Posted: November 9th, 2016, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Father's Love by Bernard Mersier - Play, Drama - This is a two act play. Teenage Tiffany has been a victim of molestation since she was a child by her father Michael, but her mother Vivian is so naive, it goes unnoticed. When she encounters the new kid at school Teenage Bernard, who also has some family issues himself...the two become friends in hopes of helping each other. 43 pages - pdf format

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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 18th, 2021, 10:18am
revised draft
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Nomad
Posted: November 10th, 2016, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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Bernard,,

I made it to page 9 but the dialogue prevented me from continuing.

There's nothing natural about the way it sounds and it's just spewing exposition.

People rarely say exactly what they mean.

"Make sure you don’t give away daddy’s honey. Don’t even
think about telling your mother. As long as I stay
doing to her, what I do to you, she’ll never believe
you. Besides. Why would a father rape his own daughter?"

You might as well write:
"Hi, I'm Michael, and I'm a monster.  And I rape my daughter."

Additionally, why would having sex with the mother prevent the mother from suspecting the father of rape?  Is he that good at sex that the mother completely loses all sense of her surroundings and just blindly believes Michael?

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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Fausto
Posted: November 17th, 2016, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Bernard,
a difficult script to digest...maybe, it needs a revision.
Work on it.
Best, Fausto
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Isiah
Posted: April 24th, 2018, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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First page was hella cringe to me. I couldn't read it all.
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Gerlinde
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 3:43am Report to Moderator
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I am not sure if it should be a play or a radio play. Anyway, it's not a script. I find the topic interesting, however, as far as I can judge with my lousy English, unnatural (as far as the dialogues are concerned), and far-fetched (regarding the plot) Did you research before? When I approach a "hot" topic, I thoroughly research before. That's what I did on my screenplay, "A Child of Shame," about children of German Wehrmacht soldiers in occupied France; or in my script "The Priest", which was about homosexuality among Catholic priests.
Talk to those affected, read books about it. Show the fears of mother and daughter, and the perpetrator, why he does that (his motivation)? Then it will be a round work that moves people. And no work that gets stuck in stereotypes.
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