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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  The Beginning of The End and The End
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  Author    The Beginning of The End and The End  (currently 8928 views)
Shakey
Posted: December 18th, 2017, 6:35am Report to Moderator
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Heard about the Page thing... figured I'd have a read.

I've also skim read the comments on this thread. There's a few biting ones in there which made my pores shrivel a little... but hey.

I'll begin with a couple of utterly minor things for you to take or leave.

"Sexorcism" should probably be spelled like that, no? Like exorcism.

Page 43: "I brought a peace offering." Not piece.

There's a few bits of expository dialogue that I snagged on, which could be easily avoided. In particular page 94. "So what's so different about this Emily gal?" My male friends would not formulate that question in such a straight way. And we already have evidence that Mike likes to rib George and approach conversations in more indirect ways.

OK, that's the trivia out.

It's a great setup for a clear cut rom com. Liked it! The opening scene sets a great tone with its sequence of cartoon-y vignettes. I actually liked the script any time it became more exaggerated, more cartoon-ish, more cinema-entertainment-unreality. For me, that's when it becomes more of a perfect story. Allow the themes of the story to dominate and don't let reality get in the way on this one, I think.

Did you have actors in mind when you wrote this? (Is that a good thing to do, or a terrible idea?) For what it's worth, the name George (and the character you've created, obvs) triggered a young George Clooney in my head - impossibly suave, but childishly dumb in parts. Emily somehow didn't need an actress for me to get a fix on her character. Perhaps she's more vividly written...

I was not emotionally neutral when I finished it (that's British for: I felt something, and it was slightly awkward sitting on the London Underground trying to cover that up). The concluding situation/circumstances/drama had not particularly ramped up - could definitely have been a more dramatic denouement - but the characters and the overall arc were strong enough that I genuinely cared how it all turned out.

So I think my single biggest suggestion is to be unafraid of leaving reality at the door with this one - assuming you're rewriting further. Let the circumstances go a bit more crazy, a bit more metaphorical. That's where I had the most fun reading it. And you're justified in doing so because the fundamental story and characters are more than strong enough to carry that.
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eldave1
Posted: December 18th, 2017, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Shakey
Heard about the Page thing... figured I'd have a read.

I've also skim read the comments on this thread. There's a few biting ones in there which made my pores shrivel a little... but hey.

I'll begin with a couple of utterly minor things for you to take or leave.

"Sexorcism" should probably be spelled like that, no? Like exorcism.

Page 43: "I brought a peace offering." Not piece.

There's a few bits of expository dialogue that I snagged on, which could be easily avoided. In particular page 94. "So what's so different about this Emily gal?" My male friends would not formulate that question in such a straight way. And we already have evidence that Mike likes to rib George and approach conversations in more indirect ways.

OK, that's the trivia out.

It's a great setup for a clear cut rom com. Liked it! The opening scene sets a great tone with its sequence of cartoon-y vignettes. I actually liked the script any time it became more exaggerated, more cartoon-ish, more cinema-entertainment-unreality. For me, that's when it becomes more of a perfect story. Allow the themes of the story to dominate and don't let reality get in the way on this one, I think.

Did you have actors in mind when you wrote this? (Is that a good thing to do, or a terrible idea?) For what it's worth, the name George (and the character you've created, obvs) triggered a young George Clooney in my head - impossibly suave, but childishly dumb in parts. Emily somehow didn't need an actress for me to get a fix on her character. Perhaps she's more vividly written...

I was not emotionally neutral when I finished it (that's British for: I felt something, and it was slightly awkward sitting on the London Underground trying to cover that up). The concluding situation/circumstances/drama had not particularly ramped up - could definitely have been a more dramatic denouement - but the characters and the overall arc were strong enough that I genuinely cared how it all turned out.

So I think my single biggest suggestion is to be unafraid of leaving reality at the door with this one - assuming you're rewriting further. Let the circumstances go a bit more crazy, a bit more metaphorical. That's where I had the most fun reading it. And you're justified in doing so because the fundamental story and characters are more than strong enough to carry that.


Thanks for the read and comments, mate. Not rewriting this anymore at this time as I have moved on to other things.

Your question regarding - did I envision anyone for the roles - yes.

Emily - a younger Elizabeth Banks
George - a younger on Hamn.

I always do that when I write - pick someone out. For me it is easier to keep the character voice more consistent that way.

Thanks again.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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HyperMatt
Posted: February 23rd, 2018, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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It has to be said that the male writer really knows how to get in the head of the head of female characters.


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eldave1
Posted: February 23rd, 2018, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks - much appreciated


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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HyperMatt
Posted: February 24th, 2018, 5:00am Report to Moderator
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I知 going through this slowly. I値l give a full comment when I知 finished.


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eldave1
Posted: February 24th, 2018, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from HyperMatt
I知 going through this slowly. I値l give a full comment when I知 finished.


Thanks - look forward to it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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HyperMatt
Posted: February 24th, 2018, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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but I decided to finish it quickly as the script had a pace that I did not want to lose. When Emily is looking after her niece, I thought this is going to be a really corny piece, but quickly leads to an interesting and amusing bed scene. The script is not predictable or boring. In fact I cannot recall any part of this feature screenplay that was a chore to read, which is surprising and a good sign. I quite enjoyed reading it. It was very clearly written on what it wanted to convey, I had a good picture in my head of the scenes. The tone is consistent throughout. Some laugh out loud dialogue and great situations (e.g. Emily and the taxi driver scene). I have to try that air freshener trick on somebody. I liked the sarcastic humour, especially from Emily and George.
It didn稚 hit me immediately, the irony of having a marriage counsellor next to a divorce lawyer, but I am slow on the uptake.
I don稚 usually go for romantic comedies, but the ones I like are the deeper ones (like Play It Again Sam and Lost In Translation). This has a light hearted tone, but I think it is trying to be that kind of film. I think that is its greatest strength; it has this cheeky, non-offensive style, but working with the serious topic of being able to move on to other relationships when you have lost the love of your life suddenly and unexpectedly. I suspect that a lot of Emily痴 reticence and sarcasm is to stop her from facing this.  
The script is well written and intricate, you know exactly what you want, you know exactly what you want your characters, you know the atmosphere of your scenes. Maybe a bit too specific, but that is a personal choice.
Loved the scene where Nancy is imagining suffocating her husband, it reminded me of that scene in Return of the Pink Panther where Dreyfus is imagining strangling Closeau.
All the characters our consistent and solid, particularly Emily. This would be a great comedy role for a lead actress (Calista Flockhart and Jennifer Anniston may be too old, I知 not good at knowing current stars who would be good. Wish we could go back in a time machine and get a young Goldie Hawn or Diane Keaton!).
It痴 not just a girl痴 theme, George, John, Emily痴 Dad are portrayed quite well. I felt a lot of sympathy for George, and poor old 全al too! I知 sure there痴 a dame out there for him.  The cameo parts also seem quite meaty, from the taxi driver to the carpenter.
I like the low key, introspective ending, as opposed to wedding bells and looking into each other痴 eyes.
前ne who fears to suffer, will always suffer from fear Don稚 know if that is a quote from somewhere, but it is a good line.


I would try and get this down to 100-110 pages, make it tighter. (But what the hell do I know? I haven稚 been able to write full script in less than 122 pages).
I知 not sure about the CAP descriptions (e.g.) I致e been getting a lot of conflicting information if I should do this in my scripts or not.
Is INT/EXT excepted slugline format?
Pg. 79 How do we know thirty minutes of time has passed? I suppose there will be some device to indicate it, like time on a wrist watch.

Well done. I would be interested to know how long it took you to write this.


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eldave1
Posted: February 24th, 2018, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, mate - really appreciate the time you took and your comments. In response to your questions:



Quoted Text
All the characters our consistent and solid, particularly Emily. This would be a great comedy role for a lead actress (Calista Flockhart and Jennifer Anniston may be too old, I知 not good at knowing current stars who would be good. Wish we could go back in a time machine and get a young Goldie Hawn or Diane Keaton!).


All of the above would have been great. When I wrote it the faces I had in mind were Elizabeth Banks for Emily and Jon Ham for George - both probably too old - but that's who I envisioned in my head.


Quoted Text
前ne who fears to suffer, will always suffer from fear Don稚 know if that is a quote from somewhere, but it is a good line.


Thanks - I wrote that. HOWEVER - I googled it afterwards and found an almost identical quote from a 1500s French philosopher - Michel de Montaigne. His was: "He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears."


Quoted Text
I would try and get this down to 100-110 pages, make it tighter. (But what the hell do I know? I haven稚 been able to write full script in less than 122 pages).


Next goal is 110.


Quoted Text
I知 not sure about the CAP descriptions (e.g.) I致e been getting a lot of conflicting information if I should do this in my scripts or not.


Yeah - probably boils down to a style choice more than anything.


Quoted Text
Is INT/EXT excepted slugline format?


It is. Commonly used in travelling vehicles.


Quoted Text
Pg. 79 How do we know thirty minutes of time has passed? I suppose there will be some device to indicate it, like time on a wrist watch.


You are technically correct - That one I just decided to let the Director figure out.


Quoted Text
Well done. I would be interested to know how long it took you to write this.


Much thanks again for the read and the comments. The first draft took me about a month as I pretty much had it in my head already.

There have been several iterations since.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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