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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  Adopting Jamie
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  Author    Adopting Jamie  (currently 2170 views)
Don
Posted: July 26th, 2015, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Adopting Jamie by Dani Reneť - Romantic Comedy - When an eligible bachelor is ready to settle down because his player lifestyle is no longer appealing to the women he's been dating, he does the only logical thing to land his perfect woman; he temporarily adopts a kid. 100 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Don  -  January 14th, 2017, 7:30pm
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Marcela
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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I read up to page 20. I quite like the script! I was initially offended by the the logline - I thought it was outrageous to suggest that somebody would want to adopt a kid to land his perfect woman, but okay, it's a comedy and the way it's written is okay.
Just one technical thing - I think it's on page 6 where you introduce 10 year old JAMIE SULLIVAN for the first time. I need to know straight away if the kid is a girl or boy. I imagined he was a boy, only to find out a paragraph later that she's a girl!


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Patrick
Posted: February 16th, 2016, 4:35am Report to Moderator
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The script opens with dialogue, witch can be confusing for the audience in terms of the opening credits. I would suggest stick to action only, at least long enough for the principal credits. Or keep the dialogue to a bear minium.


Patrick J Gillespie
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eldave1
Posted: February 16th, 2016, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dani: I read the first ten.  Generally, I like your style. Descriptions are solid and everything moves at a good pace. There were a couple of hiccups for me:


Quoted Text
RACHEL
Wow, itís true what they say.
(beat)
You really are the best


I can't ever imagine a woman saying this line and then subsequently being upset when she is surprised by the fact that Drew is a dog. i.e., it implies that he foks around - people are talking about him. If the scene played out where he wanted another date and she said no - i.e., it was a sex only thing for her - then ok. But not the way the scene unfolds.

You should lose the scene numbers in the left margin.

This:


Quoted Text
RACHEL
I should have listened to my friends.
DREW
What do you mean you should have
listen to your friends?
RACHEL
Thatís right. They warned me about
you. But did I listen? No.
2.
DREW
What did your friends say about me?


You've got the friends line three times - it hurts the pace - I would go with something like

RACHEL
I should have listened to my friends.
DREW
What?
RACHEL
They warned me about
you. But did I listen? No.
2.
DREW
What did they warn you about?

Shaun's use of the term booty was overdone.

I do not agree with this:


Quoted Text
The script opens with dialogue, witch can be confusing for the audience in terms of the opening credits. I would suggest stick to action only, at least long enough for the principal credits. Or keep the dialogue to a bear minium.


IMO, your job is to open the story in the best manner possible - let the director worry about credits. Maybe others will weigh in since it is really not a yes or no thing.

I think you have talent. I will try to get back to more later - just slammed right now.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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