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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  While Love Strikes
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  Author    While Love Strikes  (currently 1040 views)
Don
Posted: March 8th, 2017, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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While Love Strikes by Syril Hay Zimand - Romantic, Comedy - A love story between young man and strippers from a strip club, who want to prove they can find love in places like this and over come the hard life they have after falling in love with one another. 65 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: March 29th, 2017, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Syril: read the first two. There are issues:

The opening montage is way too complex, IMO.


Quoted Text
INT. HOUSE LATE EVENING


Incorrect slug. Should be INT. HOUSE - EVENING

You need - between the location and the time.


Quoted Text
Cyril, late 30’s man of his life and a strip club owner,
being ready and dressed up in an Italian white suit and a
red handkerchief in his jacket pocket, to swing to his own
strip club, named the Pussy galore.


The parts in bold are unfilmable - e.g., how does someone shoot that he is a strip club owner.
It is also inefficient. Try being crisper. Something like:


Cyril (late 30’s)  dressed an Italian white suit, red handkerchief in the jacket pocket.

That really is all you need.


Quoted Text
When suddenly Cassandra his life partner walks in and asks
him




Quoted Text
And Cyril laughs and he looks at her with his two somehow
faithful eyesCYRIL and says



Quoted Text
And Cyril actually try and answers her by excusing himself:


You do the above throughout - it is a script, not a novel. You don't need to preface the dialogue by telling us someone is going to speak. Check out some scripts here to see how they do it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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