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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  The Perfect Prenup
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  Author    The Perfect Prenup  (currently 1006 views)
Don
Posted: December 17th, 2017, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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The Perfect Prenup by Dani Reneť - Rom Com - Two hopefuls, searching for the perfect relationship, attempt to create the perfect prenup before they get married, until things get a little out of hand, making them realize that no one is perfect, even on paper.  100 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: December 25th, 2017, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Dani: Gave this a look.

First, I do like the premise - good bones for a Rom-Com. However, from just the first few pages - there are some screenwriting basics you need to pay attention to:


Quoted Text
AN ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF.

Fade from black


If you are going to fade from black - you need to open with over black. Also - no need to CAP the entire line - just the sound. e.g.,

OVER BLACK

The RING of an Alarm Clock

FADE IN.


Quoted Text
INT. FRANK/JANETíS BEDROOM - MORNING (SPLIT SCREEN)

Both Frank and Janet stir in their sleep as their alarm
clocks ring loudly. After a few minutes they both reach out
and slam their alarm clocks off. Covers fling back and they
both attempt to get up.


When you first intro Characters they need to be CAPPED and described. Here is a good  link on the topic:

http://www.scriptgodsmustdie.com/2010/02/format-5-character-introductions-descriptions/

Also - and this is a real nitty issue - ringing alarm clocks?? Almost everyone in your characters age bracket would be using their smart phone alarms.


Quoted Text
EXT. JANETíS CONDO - DRIVEWAY
Janet, on her phone again, jumps into her black Range Rover.
JANET
(into phone)

Once Janet jumps in her car, you need a new scene heading. e.g.,

INT. RANGE ROVER - DAY

[quote]FRANK
(into phone)
Well, I donít want to have to go
all the way to Japan to get these
contracts signed.


Frank was originally using an ear piece and you did not format the dialogue - (into phone). Has he removed his ear piece?


Quoted Text
Just then, Frankís best friend and business partner, Lee
Simmons, a very handsome suit wearing guy, slithers into the
kitchen and helps himself to a cup of coffee.


Two things here - no need to start anything with "just then". Action is continuous so it's implied.

"best friend and business partner" is unfilmable. You need to convey that to us through action or dialogue.

Anyway - like I said - the set up has promise. You need to go through this and make sure you got the basics covered.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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