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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  Double You
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  Author    Double You  (currently 101 views)
Don
Posted: September 20th, 2019, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Double You by Walt Jaschek - Romantic Comedy - A married couple comes into possession of a magic lava lamp (it's a thing) that creates exact replicas of themselves, affording them to explore extramarital sexual opportunities while staying monogamous... technically. 118 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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PrussianMosby
Posted: September 21st, 2019, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Walt,

yesterday I read into your screenplay.

Some notes I made then:

The document is a scanned copy it seems. Not that it bothers me, quite the opposite; it actually has a more natural look than the sharp computer typeface. However, not sure how the industry would see it when evaluating your first impression. Reconsider .

P1 usually has no page number

The dialogue at 4 and 5 is overwritten. Especially with regards to the already dialogue-heavy scene before.

End of notes

Read till 15+- somewhere and generally 'want' to read on. I just post now because I'm busy atm and won't let my feedback to be lost in translation.

Lately I feel I write bad feedback because it feels and seems I cannot articulate clearly what I see in the author's work. When my one and only task is to translate the objectivity…

So, let me go this way. Your title and 'first part' of the logline, plus overall impression when opening the document, were the points why I spend time on your script. Fact.

However, before starting to read your screenplay, I saw an issue in the last part of your logline (what I would have betted shows in the story, which it did to me btw).  A married couple comes into possession of a magic lava lamp (it's a thing) (<-cut that self-irony, looks foolish,,, otherwise perfect), that creates exact replicas of themselves, affording them to explore extramarital sexual opportunities while staying monogamous... technically. The cursive part is lalala to me and stands for a rather weak dramatic backbone. It's not deep enough and also too playful, plus this odd ironic last word.

Look, as a viewer, if a couple chooses to fuck with others - that's everyday bs. Nothing makes me root for them, no obstacles, or whatever. Also, no emotions, certainly no identification (why should I identify with losers who have the problem of not knowing where they belong).

Ask yourself what the screenplay really is about???

HEART!!!

Whatever. As I read it I saw that you're a very talented writer. There's super cinematic thinking, beautiful transitions, a lot of trust in the reader and your words.

From 8 somewhere the pages flew by; sure, perhaps because of the dialogue-heavy scenes, but still…

Coming to the points that I dislike. Character dynamic.

You obviously love dialogue, but you're also very strong with scene action. My advice: Scene action 10 times more valuable as dialogue. – Don't hang on your words/ the spoken words of your characters.

I realized one thing clearly. When two characters talk, be it Dee and Zack, Zack and friend, Dee and boss Rupert etc… you always let them finish the thought of what the other character says. And it doesn't work. The dynamic between the characters in all those one on one conversation reads same. They too often finish the sentence of their counterpart. And it's too much. There's few contradiction, no plus and minus, clear language between them – few that's not playful, not ironic.

And I think that you need those other, honest and direct beats.

Anyway,, I'm not sure what to make of it yet, but it clearly reeks 'problem'. But damn you're talented. If you may get anything of what I write here, then please consider one thing: Your action writing, the picture, is your strength. You're very good with dialogue too-- but dialogue fools you/us writers in general. You hang on your words and while it's surely funny, to a reader, it reads repetitive and slows the truth of the picture.

Ahh just forgot- the point I made also mirrors the page count. Rom-com is a 85-90 pages thing. Say 95-100, no ways 120.

Sorry that I have no time to proof-read my comment, and ouch as an Esl speaker it may look pretty messy.

Anyway, I want to come back and read on once when time and life allows.

Just read stuff slowly and let it sink.

You're very talented imo.

Best wishes
Alex



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 21st, 2019, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Checked out the first few - solid writing, IMO.

I got this vibe you know what you’re doing . It’s crisp,  focused  - knows what its doing etc

I think this is is a genre that’s worth playing, keep going.

I suppose the big question is, if it’s not got some major hook, it needs an insiders help

I’m not much of a reader these days, but i would read on for this

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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