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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  Weird Love
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Don
Posted: November 6th, 2019, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Weird Love by C. Guinosta - Romantic Comedy, Sci Fi - After finding out that their boyfriends are cheating on them, Two female friends decide to create the perfect boyfriend by computer with the help of one of the friends' nerdy computer geek brother. 83 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 7th, 2019, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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Hello C. Guinosta

The logline started well, then kinda become a bit muddled. Did you rush it when you were submitting?

Anyway, will keep this brief(ish). If you would like more of my critique then leave a comment or drop me a PM.

For now, here is my review of page 1.


Quoted Text
EXT/INT. MARIA AND GINAíS HOUSE- BATHROOM- NIGHT


Why the EXT in the slug? The scene is inside, only inside, no need to EXT.

Set the scene: A bathroom, that's all we have so far. Is it big? small? new? clean?
You may think it unimportant, but setting a scene is key - not only to help us visualise but to set the tone and theme of the scene. We can also garner some Character traits from the location (since we are in their house) are they tidy, messy, affluent, poor... easy information to convey by simply setting up the scene properly.

Beautiful: I really dislike this adjective for female (or male) characters. It's probably the most overused way to describe a female character. What is beautiful? it's in the eye of the beholder, right? It pretty much tells us nothing about them, far too generic
Just hit up google and you get words like - bewitching, fanciable, graceful, heavenly, voluptuous - I guess you could argue those words don't give much more than "beautiful" but they are more interesting... point us, describe your characters better.


Quoted Text
Two Beautiful Latina friends MARIA and GINA, 30ís, are
standing in front of the mirror putting makeup on and
getting ready for a double date with their boyfriends.


First of all, you don't need that last line, it's superfluous. We can see they are getting ready by the fact they are applying makeup, and the dialogue that follows tells us they are going on a date.
Write actively - "Are standing" instead "Stand". "Putting makeup on" instead "apply makeup"
"Two Beautiful Latina friends MARIA and GINA, 30ís, stand
in front of a mirror, apply makeup."

Although "stand" and "apply" are boring verbs. Try others, experiment to see how you can make the action a bit more evocative, and again, express those all-important character traits

"Two Beautiful Latina friends MARIA and GINA, 30ís, jostle
for position in front of a small mirror. Smear their faces
in makeup."

"Two Beautiful Latina friends MARIA and GINA, 30ís, examine
their faces in a large mirror. Methodically cover each blemish
with makeup"

In both versions the action is the same - two women getting ready in front of a mirror. But can you see how your choice of words can create totally different visuals and give us a quick insight into our characters? I hope so anyway lol

While I think of it.... "The" vs "A"
"A" is the indefinite article, "the" is the definite article. So when using the definite article the writer assumes the reader knows the identity of the noun (in this case, the mirror) because it has been previously established... but in this case you haven't, you are only establishing it now, so use "A" - after that, the noun has been established so you can use "the"...

"Matt stares into a mirror on the wall. Horrified by what it sees, the mirror cracks"

Dialogue - Is really tough to write. your opening exchange comes across as unnatural. Have a google for some tips. An example in yours is...


Quoted Text
             MARIA
I wonder what our boyfriends have
planned for us tonight?


It's not normal - she would just say "they" instead of "our boyfriends" as Gina would know about whom she is referring.

Opening image - I seem to have a thing about this recently. Anyway, the very first thing we see is a big deal, take a look at the first scene of your favourite movies and see how the opening image grabs our attention and sets us up for the journey we are about to embark.
I question whether your opening of two characters having a mundane chat in a bathroom is grabbing enough...

Anyway, I've said too much. Is what I have said helpfull? I dunno, you decide


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eldave1
Posted: November 7th, 2019, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Great advice, Matthew - will be interesting to see if there is a response.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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