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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  Nothing but Love
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  Author    Nothing but Love  (currently 124 views)
Don
Posted: February 9th, 2020, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nothing but Love by Doug Pike - RomCom - A lonely toy store owner in a failing mall is duped by a scheming female consultant, and only prevails when his young, widowed employee proves to him that love is the key to success. 97 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 31st, 2020, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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I am a writer first and a critic second.

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Ahoy Doug,

Ok, here's the thing... I've read your first 10 or so, I so badly wanted to find this funny -- I wanted to grin, smile, laugh -- but it's just not pressing my funny bone.

Here's my biggest takeaway: you're not handling it very cleverly.  Too much unnecessary camera direction. I guess cluttered would be a better way to describe my take.  I literally can't get engaged because my mind is processing instructions.

I'd dial down all those POVís and BACK TO SCENES'.  And punch up Ed's and Stella's interaction.

Have you brainstormed places to make them meet that aren't the staple bar/restaurant? That's akin to the alarm clock opening, methinks.  Hell yeah - bars/restaurants do exist, people do congregate there, but... hmm... I dunno.

Personally, I would try to brainstorm up something new that reveals a little more about the characters (especially Ed) Make the situation something that might make it more of an uphill battle to get together.

A bigger note, though, is this is a rom-com so it's gotta be quicker and funnier. Some of the stuff could be humorous, like the earthquake and the old couple, but... methinks you can punch up the humor, and the writing needs to be much sharper.

These are just my opinions, let the force guide you.  Keeping with the Star Wars theme, you have a tendency to slip into Yodaish, writing lines backwards:

Code

Standing behind Stella's chair, tall, drenched, embarrassed ED PLINTH, thirty-five, searches for the right words. 



Anywayz, sorry if it sounds like I'm ripping into you - but comedy is hard, and I think there's potential to make this funnier without having to change whatever plot you're setting up.  Unfortunately, you're writing in the most unforgiving genre and so everything needs to be pretty darn good.

In any event, good luck with this. -Andrea



"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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