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HouseBoy: The Series: Episode 1.1 - "The Time We Got Drunk" by Daniel Kreiner (EBurke73) - Series - Barry must help the girls get Chloe from one side of campus to another, getting past horny frat boys, rivasl sorority girls, a public safety crackdown on public drunkeness, and Jeannine, their leader. 59 pages - doc, format
HouseBoy: The Series: Episode 1.5 - "The Time We Had a Snowstorm" by Daniel Kreiner (EBurke73) - Series - Barry thinks his dream has come true, stuck in the house during a blizzard, but his dream girl, Jeannine, is stuck in the liquor store and, Monica wants to give him a makeover, Elaine treats him nasty, and there's a game of Truth or Dare. 59 pages - doc, format
I'm actually an (oldish) fan of the series, having read these in earlier draft form. While I'm not particularly fond of the play version, I've found the Houseboy *series* addictive. Well written, with a "Scrubs-in-College" sort of vibe (complete with both the sweet overtones and slight tendancy for tangents.) Yet, it doesn't come across as a knock off at all...it does have it's own voice and feel.
I do recommend that people read these...HB is worth it...!
The first chapter of Houseboy: The Series is much better than the original piece you posted a while back. It explained things a lot better and I wound up with a much better grasp on it than the other one.
One problem I had with this is that the pacing seemed a little slow. Dialog ran on in several scenes and it seemed a while before we got to the jokes. For a comedy (much less one like Scrubs), the jokes have to hit us a lot faster. And scenes shouldn't be six and eight pages long if nothing major results from it.
Another problem was that you introduced way too many people in one chapter. You have Barry, the girls of two sororities and the guys of one fraternity. In other words, about fifteen characters in a one hour script.
The first issue of a series should introduce only the bare minimum, just so we can familiarize ourself with them before you throw the rest of the campus on our laps.
Characterization was good. I got a general feel for them but, if you cut the number of characters in half and spent more time on the remaining characters, I'd have a full grip on them.
You made a big production out of a little story. Okay, Chloe got drunk. So what? When I was in college, and we got drunk, we went to the local diner or White Castle and we ate for an hour; that sobered us up pretty well. This story was like a poor man's Indiana Jones. Why go crazy avoiding the traps, avoiding the native, avoiding the Nazis, when all you have to do is step in the diner and eat pancakes?
This idea would work much better if it was written in half hour episodes. Try condensing everything so there is a higher density of jokes....like Scrubs.
First, Happy New Year, cause you posted on January 1.
Second, thanks for reading this episode.
This episode had a lot of work to do because I was using it to not only introduce the characters, but to also set up some of the conflicts. Granted, I could probably have pulled a "Buffy" and saved the big bad for later in the season. It's certainly something to consider.
You know, it never occurred to me that they would go to a diner and wait out the conflicts. I think I set up that they couldn't go back to the house, but I'll have to add a reason not to go anywhere else. Probably something simple.
Much to consider. I hope you'll give the other episodes a look.
I guess I have to repeat what dogglebee said, as he summed up my thoughts so well!
Stagger the introduction of the cast a bit so we're not trying to remember everyone at once - or at least save the boys for later on once we've met the girls. The dialogue's lively and interesting, very natural sounding (which is damn hard to get the hang of for any writer!), but you do have several scenes that don't really go anywhere, or drag on for several pages before they start getting funny. Think of how rapid-fire the jokes and scenes in the average episode of Scrubs are!
This would probably make a brilliantly fast and zappy half-hour script (maybe with a few scenes saved for next episode) by chopping lots out of it and making the 'Chloe Gets Drunk' story into something more interesting. So! Potential here, which is important. Consider aiming for a shorter, faster-paced style to suit what you want to do, and also be ruthless when it comes to trimming scenes and dialogue.