Hey there, Jackx.

A lot of readers have already pointed out some of the grammatical, spelling, and punctuation issues, so I'll save you the beating of a dead horse, haha.

What I'd like to critique is the creativity, as most of the readers didn't give much insight on it, or I've disagreed with what they've had to say.

I think the basic idea is interesting. If I were to guess, I'd say it's certainly the making of an american comic. But there-in also lies a sort of problem I have with the style. I've only had a chance to read the first episode, but it seems to me that all the characters, the way they interact with each other, and the side stories between characters are cliches. It, to me, seems like a collection of cliches trying to build an interesting story. While this makes it very easy to grasp each character's personality and part in the story, it almost makes it too easy. Little is left to the imagination, and what keeps a viewer/reader interested in a character is what they DON'T know about the character.

Along this same critique, the dialogue seems fairly cheesy. Not comic-book cheesy, really, but like I mentioned before, it's a sort of cliche cheesy. I almost felt like I knew exactly what the characters were going to say when I recognized the situations.

As far as the good things go, like I said, the base story sounds like it could be very entertaining. You've got a good base to work with. Also, your ability to intertwine separate stories seems to be working pretty well. I enjoy inter-weaving stories, and that's what kept my attention through most of the script.

Overall, I think I can make a comparison. The feeling a carried through most of the script was very similar to the feeling I had through most of the movie Jumper. Similar types of pros and cons. Interesting idea, could be executed better.

I hope the critique has helped, and I know it seems like a lot of negative with little positive, but I really do believe you're on a good track.

Good luck,
Mr. Paradigm

Craiger, thanks again for the help, there's always more to edit.  I'll be getting right on fixing all those issues.  
Not to get ahead of myself, but if this was ever a real series I would picture it in an hour time slot, so maybe 40-50 pages per episode after commercials...  (Totally making that up, someone correct me if you know better)  And I would plan on using that space to expand the characters and make them a bit realer and fleshed out, especially guy and rosie.
Glad you're enjoying it so far, as I'm knee deep in number three.  Thanks again.

Mr. Jazz... criticism is always welcome, even when its less than positive.  
I absolutely agree that I'm using cliches to build the story, but what I'm going for is kind of twisting the cliches/showing them in an original light.  IE I have several characters with powers, and rather than really stretching myself to think of random gifts that havent been done to death in Xmen, batman, superman, etc, just have the same gifts used in different ways...or by a different sort of character.
But I wouldn't disagree that I'm currently falling short of pulling it off.

In any case, hopefully that would be something that would be addressed as I expand the episodes, giving more depth and ambiguity to the characters and situations.  At the moment I'm mostly trying to sort out the plot arc of a first season, and keep up some momentum in churning out the episodes.

And obviously I'm treading on the edge of territory that has been done to death, by much better writers than me, so it raises the bar a little.
Thanks very much for your comments, not sure if I've seen your stuff up, but let me know if you have something I can return the favor on.

Not a problem at all, you were actually the first critique I've done on SS, and I'm glad the first script I read was enjoyable. I was a little afraid, because it seems like every time I join a writing or cartoonist website, I'm terribly disappointed with the general talent. When I joined Fiction Press, I was horrified with all the preteen, angsty, bathroom depression drama that made up most of it. But the writers here really seem to do pretty well, and are great at critiquing.

If you are interested in what I've posted, I've got four scripts so far. They'll be under the name David Perry, and are as follows:

Space Pirates: Rumble In The Docks
Space Pirates: The Andromedan Son of Technology Pt. I
Space Pirates: The Andromedan Son of Technology Pt. II

Scratch, The First Engagement: Won't You Guess My Name?


Space Pirates is an american cartoon comedy/action/drama. It's really got just about everything. It's about a man, The Captain, who has innumerable mental illnesses that eventually cause a dormant part of the human brain to click on, and gave him the inadvertent and yet to be controlled ability to manifest his hallucinations to life. That in mind, he instantly, accidentally, creates an entire space civilization, and drags his psychiatrist into space with him. Along the way, he pulls on stragglers who become the ship's, (The Dreadknot), crew.

Scratch is an anime concept about a man in the grip of alcoholism. In the wake of his past, his alcoholism affects his short term memory, and he begins losing hours at night between the time he leaves the bar and the time he wakes up every morning. During this time, he finds himself somewhere between dream and reality, sitting in a dark, smokey bar, suspiciously similar to his nightly stop. In this bar, he talks with The Devil about sociological manipulation as The Devil breaks the man down with calculated rehashing of the man's past.

I do the artwork to, which can be found here:

http://pettytortureproductions.ning.com/

Sorry for the ad comment, haha. I suppose I should develop my signature for that kind of thing. Hope you enjoy, though.

jackx,

I read the first episode again to refresh my memory. The second episode didn't disappoint. The first scene was great and very visual. I liked how we don't get to see any of Darwin's face until a grainy glimpse of the CCTV footage, which keeps things interesting.

While I am interested in Darwin's character, I thought I would have learned a little more about him by now. Aside from the first few pages, he didn't have much to do this episode. I wasn't sure about the scenes with G-Kid. I think it would have worked better if Darwin tried to stop the Banker and Guy getting away then he is interrupted by G-Kid and they get away.

I like the various storylines you have going on, but I'm not sure 30 page limit you are giving yourself will do it justice in the long run. I think you should aim for 40 pages per episode as I could see this as an hour long show.

If you take Archer out of the equation, I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be rooting for. I thought Darwin would fill this role as he obviously wants to help, but he shot two people (albeit scumbag robbers) dead in cold blood so I'm guessing he's not as good a guy as I thought he was.

Small note - I loved the Freaks in the first episode. Kind of disappointed they didn't show up although you may not have been planing for them to be regulars.

Overall, this was very well written with some real interesting stories going on. I'm really enjoying it so far. Good work!

Brian  

Hey, thanks so much for the read, glad you mostly enjoyed it.
First off, I definitely agree about expanding the episodes.  The story is a little dense and the characters a bit too bare bones as it is now, but mostly I'm trying to get through the plot points, then come back and expand everything.

Yea, Darwin is supposed to be a bit darker on the vigilante scale.  I'm the guy that's annoyed every time Batman feels a need to save the joker from falling to his death.  I mean...come on...  just let him slip...         So Darwin pretty much has no problem executing anyone that commits a violent crime.  Though he does have a code, as he felt bad when he thought he had injured G Boy, and he doesn't mess with cops.

I have the back-story to Darwin worked out, which will explain a lot, but it'll be a couple episodes down the line before its all in the open.


The freaks are back right away in the third episode, and surprise surprise...it'll be violent.

Thanks again for checking it out, hopefully I'll have number three up in the next decade or so...

Read all three episodes in a row.  Very good for the most part.  This series reminds me of the darker aspects of The Strangers, a super-hero comic in which an energy blast gives people on a trolley various powers.

Do expand the scene in which G-Boy is watching the TV.  You skimmed over that part.  We need to hear the reporters speaking about the action.

I hope you give my Hawkins and Dover series a shot.  Nice to see another writer of superhumans on here, but not in the traditional super-hero roles.

Also, you may want to change the series name to Empowered.  Of course, the superhumans are empowered, but Archer is empowered to try to stop them.

Hey, thanks for checking it out.  Yea, the scene with G-boy was a little under developed.  I just didnt want to get too distracted from everything else that was going on with the story, especially since there isnt a violent conclusion to this episode like the others.
  
Currently I'm considering putting the episodes together as a feature, or just keep playing it as a series.  At least the next couple bits will be done as installments.

I'm very dissatisfied with the title, but just kinda threw that up as the working title.  I'll kick around "Empowered"  for a bit and see how that feels.  Any other title suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I liked the script, the line by Captain Ellis about the superheroes and supervillians needing each other is something I've thought about myself a lot when reading comics.  It's kind of like a club of people who like to dress up in costumes and fight each other in the streets and on buildings at night.
I also liked the cop angle, it reminded me a bit of the Gotham Central series.
I've only read Episode 1 so far, but I look forward to reading the others.

Thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it.
Yea it definitely seems like these kinda worlds follow their own set of logic.  Like the police always pretend to go after the joker or lex luther or whoever, but really they just rely on people who share the same afflictions as the villains.  
The idea is Archer kinda breaks this mold by forcing himself into the mix, even with no superpowers.  Even though any one of the powereds would destroy him one on one, he has the advantage of a highly trained police force backing him up to even things out.
And the heroes and villains aren't quite so easily distinguished.
Thanks again for the read, let me know if there's anything I can return the favor on.

This was a very well written to me. It was very fast-paced, plenty of terse, but good descriptions of characters and imagery and I can actually visualize the characters talking, moving etc etc Really strong work.