Quoted from Dov Goldenberg Thanks for the invite. -Dialogue in this particular genre does not come easy. I've read (and written) worse. -Far, far, worse. "Coming along" means exactly that. The Richcraft's got a ways to go, -as do most of us on this site.

haven't we all. written wurse dat is.

Personally I've got a continent to cross before I get there.

Keep it cuckooing.

R

Quoted from rendevous Please feel free to tear apart my scripts.

You should try this Dovi. I've dunnit. And frankly it's quite therapeutic.

Well, it's nice to see that I've aroused some passion among you guys.

So far I have rewritten the first two episodes with different Zodiac Killers and a new origin.  I tried to take out as many camera shots as possible, so any potential directors can just film the scenes their ways.

I've requested that the moderators remove these versions of Hawkins and Dover.  When that happens, I'll send in the new ones.  

I think you guys will like the new and improved Hawkins and Dover.  I'm trying to keep their adventures to 20 pages each, but their origin needed an extra three pages.  After all, some exposition dialogue is always needed.

Keep an eye out for The Legion of Super-Heroes.  I sent that one off the other day.

Thanks for reading my scripts, guys.  Good, bad, or blah, it's great to know that I'm not being ignored.

Well, I hope you all reread my Hawkins and Dover series.  I sent in revamped versions of these stories.  I'm also going to send in my other sci-fi scripts for you to enjoy and review.

I'm glad to see a lot of sci-fi scripts in this section.  Especially with a lot of various storylines and characters.

Looking forward to reading more of your comments.

Hi,

So, I’ve read all six episodes... I’m not going to lie, I didn’t really get into this at all. I understand what you were going for, but I think you’ve come up short on the execution and the series could do with a major rewrite or two if you have big plans for it.

First major problem is the formatting. I haven’t read through the previous comments, but I’d imagine someone has already pointed them out to you. Scene headings in particular. At times, you have the heroes flying to a different location but don’t write a new scene heading so it can be pretty hard to keep up with what’s going on. Your writing could use some work. In my opinion, in a screenplay, you should describe everything that’s necessary in as few words as possible. I feel this moves the script along at a better pace and makes it easier to read. Some of your action lines could be cut down and you’d still get the same information across. This would also give you more space for your story as each episode is only 20-odd pages. There wasn’t much going on visually. You write that the characters are flying through the air. Are they flying over a desert? Or New York City? Adding in a little something like that will give the reader more of an image in their head of what’s going on.

Dialogue was also a problem. Most of the conversations felt forced and not very natural at all. There was a slight improvement in episode four but by the next episode, it was well below average again. Lots of information is forced down our throats in some dialogue when there are ways where you could do this better. Remember, show, don’t tell us.

On to the story... the basic idea is good, but the execution is lacking. I don’t know anything about the characters to make me like them or identify with them. I know this can be hard with 20 page episodes but it’s far from impossible. Work on a better backstory for both of your leads and reveal a little bit more about them each episode. The 2nd episode where their past is revealed didn’t cut it for me. Your killers were okay, some were dispatched a little too quickly (leather man was killed in like, 2 lines).

Overall, this wasn’t for me. Maybe some others will get a lot of enjoyment out of it, but I think it’s something you have clear in your head, but it’s not anywhere near as clear on paper. Keep working on it.

Brian

Hey, Brian.  Thanks for the comments.

Hawkins and Dover is an experimental series for me.  I'm really doing it for the fun of it all.  The setting is my hometown of Grand Junction, Colorado, which is in the desert.  I guess I should have used a super in all the episodes to explain this.

While I admit to having problems with my exposition dialogue (never my strong suit), I seem to catch hell no matter what I do with scene descriptions.  Either I use too many camera directions or I don't use enough of them.

Do stick around for episode seven.  It's based on a hostage crisis that almost happened in a comic-book store.  Richard

Well, if any of you have any thoughts on episode seven, I'd like to hear them, good, bad, or blah.  Thanks.

I'm finding a lot of similarities between H&D and LSH in regards to your storytelling.  There's too much talking and not enough action.  This s a superhero series, not Seinfeld. Less squabbling  and more punching!


Phil

I'm trying to work on the dialogue aspects, dogglebe.  Thanks for reading.

But I have to admit that there isn't too much punching in H and D.  Why punch villains when you can make them your love slaves instead?

Quoted from TheRichcraft Why punch villains when you can make them your love slaves instead?

If this is the solution, every time, it will be a very dull series.  The heroes need to be challenged.  How dull would it be if Superman regularly went after common purse snatchers?


Phil

That's why I'm only doing twelve episodes and trying vary the storyline with each one.  I don't see H and D going on beyond twelve.

Stay tuned for my upcoming wild and bad-taste sci-fi story called Samson and Minerva.  It's like Sapphire and Steel meets Monty Python.