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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Icarus Rising Moderators: bert
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  Author    Icarus Rising  (currently 1893 views)
Don
Posted: October 26th, 2011, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Icarus Rising - Pilot by Darren J Seeley (story by Wayne Clark) - Series, Sci Fi, Web Series, Short - A group of geeks recruit other friends in hopes of making a sci-fi fan film, only to discover the underground bunker they found is part of a spaceship. 14 pages - pdf, format

Icarus Rising - The Mummy and The Mantis by Darren J Seeley (story by Wayne Clark) - Series, Sci Fi, Web Series, Short - A stowaway alien unintenionally scares the crew as it attempts to break down communication barriers. 13 pages - pdf, format

Icarus Rising - Snappers by Darren J Seeley (story by Wayne Clark) - Series, Sci Fi, Web Series, Short - The new crew must band together to stop an army of prehistoric turtles from freeziing everyone aboard for a thousand years. 11 pages - pdf, format




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Don  -  May 15th, 2013, 9:25am
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 27th, 2011, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren!

Good on you for making something happen with this pitch.
I recall seeing the concept art not too long ago.
I'm always excited to hear about projects starting here getting traction.

Looks like I'll be the first to take a stabby stab at this one!

The staccato writing style on the first page reminds me of Walter Hill, a tad.

P. 1  There are a couple lines that don't make much sense to me.
        Engines of the shuttle drain out the growl.
        Did you mean "drown" out?

        Unseen pilots attempt to get control.
        I don't know what I'm seeing when I read this.

P. 2  I dig the paintball transition. Nice visual.

P. 5  The government procedure debate reads long and stiff to me.
       *looks over what he just typed* And not in the good way.

P. 8  I'm a little lost, everyone's talking about a fictional TV show?
        And they want to emulate it on the cabin's property?
        The motivation isn't really grabbing me, perhaps some visual cues would help.
        Show the actual show, there's lots of talk about it.

P. 9  This passage read awkward to me.
        His wrist yanks his body forward.

P. 11 Everyone rabbits. Mounds up dirt rise up
         I don't understand "rabbits" as a verb.
         Mounds "of" dirt rise up, methinks.

P. 12  I know the kids are fans of the fictional space show.
         But they are extremely calm in the face of an alien shuttle.
        
P. 12  Tom sh*ts his pants.
          Really? You're going to show that?

I didn't get much of a sense of character from the kids.
I say kids because they didn't come across like twenty somethings much.

A lot of interesting visuals, for sure.
However, I felt the entire thing was pretty much all set up.
I understand you are working off of someone else's story.
But after thirteen pages, I don't have much of an idea what that story is.

Hope this helps. Best of luck.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Zanej
Posted: October 27th, 2011, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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ICARUS RISING

Pg. 1 - Sugline EXT. SPACE (no additional period)
Pg.1- Sugline – EXT. MOON- (possibly) ATMOSPHERE … to show it’s not on the moon.
Pg. 1- Re-word… The small ship flies out of control to earth. The ship appears to try and regain control before entering Earth’s atmosphere. … Or something to that extent.
Pg. 1- Sugline- EXT. EARTH - ATMOSPHERE – DAY … we would be able to tell if its night or day so timeline needed.
Pg. 1- Sugline- EXT. ABOVE FOREST – DAY
Pg. 1- Sugline- EXT. FOREST – DAY
Pg. 1- the newest Saber tooth tiger was over 10k years ago so doesn’t fit the 3k timeline
Pg. 1- re word… The metal door opens, green smoke billows within.
Pg. 2- Re-word… The turtle clams into his shell as wolves come into the metal opening.
Pg. 2- SUPER after new Sugline
Pg. 2 Brandon dialogue… You’ve got to be kidding me. … Seems more reasonable.
Pg. 2- I would recommend changing from a mantis to squirrel for paint ball attack… size difference.
Pg. 2- New sug after shooting mantis. Sugline- EXT. FOREST - CONTINUOUS or establish old scene.
Pg. 3- Brandon sights in and shoots Eric in the butt. .. Seems a little easier read and to understand
Pg. 3- I recommend changing from mirror to phone or something, no one would lose a mirror or be carrying one during paintball.
Pg. 4 -Sugline- EXT. FOREST- CONTINUOUS
Pg. 11- Leaves and branches rain down*
Pg. 11 - “Rabbits” Maybe scurries.
Pg. 12- Bumps into a frozen turtle… I would add startled then take out the cool line… they would be on edge at the moment not being to hyped.
Pg. 12- INT. INCARUS – BRIDGE – CONTINUOUS
Pg. 13- Re-word… Did anyone bring shovels!

The story is decent, not too many grammatical errors … other than what Dreamer pointed out. I would say the settings need to be described more in-depth, at times I didn’t know what to imagine. You have several incomplete sentences and other small fragments that can be fixed throughout as well, but none that throw the whole story off.

Also as mentioned some showing of the original show will give a better visual aid to people to know what it is.

Also why was Jason alone at the space craft? You never mention the others leaving him; if Naomi is going to get Ash then it isn’t going to be assumed that they all left together. Some direction on that is needed.

Hope this helps, also I am new to writing so keep my comments at a novice level.

Best of luck in the re-write. Let me know and I will look over it again after.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 27th, 2011, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Ed.

There will be more in this thread soon. I estimate another 4 or 5 between 7-12 pages.

The original story concept, as Wayne described it to me, goes something like this:

"Jason" is a bit of a space nut, buys a proprty/acre land/remote wooded ara etc. One day he's exploring the property, sees a glint of metal. Curious, he unearths the object, finding it bigger than he thought. After a few days he finds a door, assumes he's found an underground bunker. In reality it turns out to be a buried alien spacecraft/shuttle. The main ship  crashed on Mars.

He puts on an alien device.interface, found on one of the bodies. His mind floods with alien IQ. He has acress to the ship's systems.

The ship has been buried for 3000 years.

But he needs 25-30 people to form the crew. Most of them, like himself, are space buffs and/or fans of a Tv sci-fi show called 'Earth Force Seven'. There will be at least eight main characters. The ultimate goal is to explore/get to Mars to find the mother ship, which, at the end, they will will call Icarus.

One of the crew members will be an insect-looking character resembling a mantis.



For the "pilot" this is what was asked:

- finding the shuttle.
-learning to use it a little
-learning of a bigger ship on Mars
- getting 8 characters, getting the crew of 30.
- getting to Mars


There's a ton of more details, and since it's a webseries (Clark is into FX, so any puppetry/animation isn't my concern) to get the essence of this was a real challenge.
Since most webseries are 15 minutes or less, (per episode) packing all of the info in is next to impossible, unless told in flashback - which is a device I've never been fond of.

So...I wanted to establish:

- the ship crash.
- intro 8 characters - including Jason.
- finding the shuttle

Some of the other elements will come up in later installments, and after a period of time "the first eight" could rotate as one or more are expendable (at least until the Mars trip, anyway)...but my main problem was how to get a basic establishment of the situation.

Enter paintball. With a painball game I can establish any/all of the following:
- a group of characters. Those who play/didn't play.
- a few relationships between characters/get some voices in
- a little bit of action and the needed Earth Force Seven references
- Jason still finds the craft but it is less arbitrary
- sets up/forshadows a few other details that could come down the pike

and a few other hints at things to come. I decided to put the Mantis guy as last, who we'll know a bit more about in the following ep,

One interesting requirement is that "we never see" the full alien pilots who crashed in the ship. It was a light contradiction when I read in the 'list' about a mummified alien who was the pilot, and the aliens were eaten by prehistoric wolves...but I worked that point out somewhat.

Thanks for your input.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
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Quoted from Zanej
Also why was Jason alone at the space craft? You never mention the others leaving him; if Naomi is going to get Ash then it isn�t going to be assumed that they all left together. Some direction on that is needed.


At this point nobody knows it is a spacecraft; they think it is nothing more than an underground bunker.  Also, as mentioned above, the general idea was that Jason makes the discovery of the interior of the craft alone; I wanted to have the essence of that.

And everyone stated thier intentions clearly.


Quoted from Zanej
The newest Saber tooth tiger was over 10k years ago so doesn�t fit the 3k timeline


'The newest", Zane?




Quoted from "Zanej
Pg. 1- Sugline- EXT. EARTH - ATMOSPHERE � DAY � we would be able to tell if its night or day so timeline needed.
Pg. 1- Sugline- EXT. ABOVE FOREST � DAY
Pg. 1- Sugline- EXT. FOREST � DAY


There is nothing wrong with the slugs. The first one you cite, in fact, isn't relevant because until you pass through you can't tell (or show) what time it is. Likewise, it is clearly understood it is day after that, no need to keep repeating DAY. It's implied that at the rate the ship falls, it is within seconds passing, a minute at the latest.

As I looked at it, I stand corrected. There should be a EXT. ABOVE FOREST- DAY at least. The correction will be up as soon as the second ep is ready to go.

"Above Forest" implies treetops and the like.
"Forest" suggests below trweeline/ground level


Quoted from Zanej
  would recommend changing from a mantis to squirrel for paint ball attack� size difference.


The resaons are clear if you read it. It shows you the character's a pranskster, a good shot and it forshadows the eighth crew member. While tagging a squirrel (who could run fast) might still be seen as cruel and a good shot...I don't think it's a good thing for some folks to think he's a total jerk. A stationary bug, on the other hand, not so much. Also, while not calling a shot, it does suggest a close up.

Size doesn't matter.
Or does it - again, I wanted to set something up with the 8th crew member at the end.

Thanks for your read though.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  October 27th, 2011, 11:34pm
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Zanej
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I re- read it to make sure I knew..  Jason says for them 2 find ppl and shovels. Needs action showing everyone leaving or elae it has 2 just be an assumption.

Point of me mentioning the saber is they were extinct 3,000 years ago. Closest recovered is between 10k - 500,000k

And point about beginning is there is no timeframe after the ship arrives to earth or desc of setting as far as I know its night over a forest that I can picture to be near a major city... point I'm making is there is no clear desc. To give the reader this vision clearly.

Also Tom crapping his pants could just be pissing his pants for a visual also.

Sry on phone cant quote good lol. Hope any of my comments helped.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
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Quoted from Zanej
Jason says for them 2 find ppl and shovels. Needs action showing everyone leaving or elae it has 2 just be an assumption.

Point of me mentioning the saber is they were extinct 3,000 years ago. Closest recovered is between 10k - 500,000k

And point about beginning is there is no timeframe after the ship arrives to earth or desc of setting as far as I know its night over a forest that I can picture to be near a major city... point I'm making is there is no clear desc. To give the reader this vision clearly.

Also Tom crapping his pants could just be pissing his pants for a visual also.



First, let's take the crapping of the pants. Tom did not literally junk his jeans. It's an expression; he's terrified. Second, why do you picture a forest near a major city 3k  years ago? Also, the description is clear to give "the reader" a sense in time. It's either a prehistioric period or it isn't. If I have, upon entering earth's atmosphere "DAY" - and it is assumed correctly that the ship is coming down for a bad landing. I don't need "DAY" after that, it is clearly understood. If I were to have a new master scene that took place in another location, then yes, I would need it obviously. But within a minute or so of the crash? It isn't needed.

as i looked at the pdf, it does, in fact, have the lack of DAY or NIGHT once it enters Earth's sky; it was supposed to be DAY but got left off. That was my goof.


Since you're new to screenwriting, however, there is one thing you should know. You don't "always" have to show characters arriving and leaving. Sometimes it isn't needed. It is an assumption that is logical that most of the group is looking for other people and/or tools. It isn't an error that I don't show you an uneeded scene of one of the guys going to a toolshed or going to the hardware store. There's nothing wrong with it.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  October 27th, 2011, 11:37pm
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 28th, 2011, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley

There's a ton of more details, and since it's a webseries (Clark is into FX, so any puppetry/animation isn't my concern) to get the essence of this was a real challenge.
Since most webseries are 15 minutes or less, (per episode) packing all of the info in is next to impossible, unless told in flashback - which is a device I've never been fond of.
.


Hey Darren,

Wow, that's a ton of stuff.
Maybe you can combine some of the set up.
Something like, the lead protag sets up the paintball on his property.
But it's a large group of Earth Force Seven fans, like a fan club gathering.
That way, you minimize locations. Get thing rolling faster and simpler.
But you gotta let the audience see this show they all love.
It makes no sense to the reader without that info.
A SMASH CUT into a cheesy sci fi tv show right before the discovery would be cool.

IMO, the web series that work best have simple premises.
This one sounds complex, best to simplify everything you can get away with.

Check out this sci-lo-fi series.
It's a gem called, "The Mercury Men".

http://www.mercuryseries.com/

Super simple, clean set up and establishes the tone in seconds.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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mcornetto
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Oh, that would explain it.  The Snappers episode is not the first.

When I was reading it, I was thinking to myself, what a strange universe I was thrown into with no explanation.  Now I know why.

It was pretty good.  Can I ask what audience you are writing for?  Because it seems to me to be a young audience.  

I'll have to read some more of these because most of my comment where of the wtf kind and that was largely because I had no clue why they were fighting these turtles.  
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