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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Waking Up Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 9th, 2016, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Waking Up by Hunter Vogt - Comedy, Series - When a young woman wakes up after being in a coma for three years, she must handle the changes that have occurred in the last three years, some of which she is very shocked by, such as her immature older brothers becoming very responsible. - pdf, format


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GreenGecko
Posted: January 9th, 2016, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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(2)
The teaser needs work. There's some ideas in there that could be funny, but I think you can execute them better. Like this idea of crashing into a fire hydrant because he was staring at a girl. That could be funny, but I don't think the timing is right.

Or there seems to be some joke where Clara is making fun of the boys, then she says she has to get back to her TV show, but I'm not really sure what the joke is. Is it that she's as shallow as they are? It doesn't really click that well.

And in terms of teasers, your logline is really interesting, but then you begin with a run-of-the-mill couch scene which so many people start with. It's second to the alarm clock intro. I don't really know what you could do instead, but this is arguably the most important scene for getting people to stick around.


(5)
Your dialogue feels very clunky at times. For example:
MARCO: They'll figure it out Laura. I know they will. And it could take a while, but, you know, I don't think that it will.

I don't want to sound too picky, but using the word "will" twice sounds weird when saying it out loud. And he says it could take a while, then he says he doesn't think it will, it's just so long for a line that isn't funny or important. It could just be "They'll figure it out" and it wouldn't change.

(6)
I thought it was a little dumb that Faith couldn't do 140 divided by 7, then says "I can do math, you know" a couple lines later. Maybe she was playiing dumb the first time, but it felt sincere. I don't think seventeen year olds have that much of a problem with division.

(10)
I think up till this point, all the scenes are cliche. She's the most typical girl you've ever met. Maybe it works because you subvert that all when she gets into the car crash, but I'm not really sure.

You don't really need this "SUPER: Present" because you didn't really mention what year it was before, and it was modern either way. Plus, you might spoil the fact that time has passed a little too early.

This scene with the nurse is almost inexcusable. "It's about time you woke up" is not what you say when someone has been in a coma for three years where the prognosis is most likely that she would have never woken up. Like it's a legit miracle. She wouldn't even be able to speak, much alone crack casual jokes. There are a lot more opportunities for her to DO something funny here. Maybe she freaks out and spills coffee everywhere which makes her freak out even more. Dumb idea, but you see what I mean?
And things like "your family will be here soon." I mean, she doesn't really know that. She'd say something like "we'll call your family immediately" or whatever.

(12)
See here, the Nurse is very stringent on rules. That's kinda funny, but she definitely doesn't seem that way when you first introduce her. There's a disconnect between this nurse with the parents and the one with Clara. You could change the Nurse the first time she appears in a funny way. So when Clara first wakes up, the Nurse is very professional about it, completely straight-faced, despite the fact that she is seing something incredibly rare.
Unless you meant they're two different nurses, which you shouldn't do, but if you did, would have to name them differently.
(16)
This scene is absolutely robotic. Her parents probably never thought they were going to interact with their child again, and here we get a "we are so gla dthat you have woken up." Marco doesn't even say anything.

I think this scene really exemplifies the problems with your writing. There's a lot of dialogue of people talking, and not enough showing. Most scenes you just set up, and then people just talk until the end. You need more action, momentum, subtext. I understand it's a comedy and not a drama, but I still think you can benefit by playing up these emotions. Because as it is, the scenes feel mechanical and you're just figuring out the quickest way to lay all this information.

It's a cool idea, a gold mine of fun moments, but I didn't even want to get to them based off the first pages.


Also, this seems to be a series, and should probably be moved there, so you might want to contact the mods.


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Hunter
Posted: January 10th, 2016, 2:16am Report to Moderator
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Thanks a ton for your feedback!

I'll try to think of something better to do with my teaser. I was trying to introduce the idea that Clara is responsible while her brothers are not, and her wanting to get back to her TV show wasn't supposed to show that she is shallow, but rather that she doesn't want to be bothered with her brothers' stupid requests.

I'll fix the clunkiness of that line, thanks for pointing it out.

When Faith says one hundred and forty divided by seven, she is just thinking aloud, not asking for the answer, Clara just instinctively answers. But I guess it didn't come off as that. I'll try to make that more clear.

My goal was to make high school Clara someone with her future very planned out, which makes the event that occurs very tragic to her. I may have taken it too far with the romance part of it, and that's probably why she comes off as so typical. I'll see how I can fix that. She is supposed to be more neurotic than typical.

I'll cut out the SUPER. And, yeah, I was trying to make the nurse scene funny by giving the nurse a very odd personality. When I wrote that scene, the second nurse scene wasn't in the plan, so that's why it is so inconsistent. I ended up liking the second nurse scene a lot better than the first, I realize why now, thank you.

Again the reason for the roboticness of this scene's beginning is that I originally started act two with the enterance of the doctor. Thanks for pointing this out.

Thanks for your notes, they are a huge help!


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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Hunter
Posted: January 10th, 2016, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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Oh, I forgot to put this in that post, but I wasn't sure why it for put into comedy and not into series. When I submitted it, I chose series from the choices, then typed in comedy in the other box. Who would be the best person to contact?

bert's edit:  fixed


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)

Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  January 16th, 2016, 10:43am
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Hunter
Posted: January 15th, 2016, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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I have written a second draft! The version you will now view is that updated version.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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