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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Between: Gambrial's Break Moderators: bert
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  Author    Between: Gambrial's Break  (currently 78 views)
Don
Posted: May 10th, 2020, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Between: Pilot - Gambrial's Break by Paul Knauer - Series, Drama, Fantasy - Series logline: A retired literature professor, torn between the real world and a magical fantasy world, fights to heal his broken family while simultaneously working to find and save the Child Princess. 9 pages

Production: BETWEEN is an episodic series of fantasy/drama shorts that weaves two distinct worlds, modern day and ancient fantasy, into one connected story with heart and purpose. It's designed for a Quibi-like distribution, with 10 8-10 minute episodes. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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eldave1
Posted: May 10th, 2020, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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Gave it a read, Paul.

The overall premise for me was A+. Stellar idea.

The writing is general is solid - but I do think you need to help the reader out a bit confusion wise. This is a very tough visual to present so any little road bump in terms of comprehension has an impact.


Quoted Text
Eric Soldair, 30s, in medical scrubs, rubs his head.


So, this is supposed to be SOLDAIR THE WATCHER from the first scene. A dude that was intro'd to us as a beast of a man.  So right at this point, I don't know if this is just a relative of THE WATCHER or one in the same. So give us a hint. Something akin to - the exact same face as Soldair The Watcher - but a modest build - or something like that.

I’d go with a name other than MEL for the female.  Had to check back when I got to the first dialogue block to make sure if it was a man of a woman.

Very little in terms of time and place here. I'm picturing it as like England of something - I know it doesn't matter per se - but I assume this is a somewhat rural setting modern day - yes?


Quoted Text
INT. RETIREMENT HOME - ADMINISTRATION OFFICE – DAY


In your subsequent MINI SLUGS you use the term ASSISTED LIVING rather than RETIREMENT HOME. I'd be consistent - i.e., change the header to ASSISTED LIVING or vice-versa.


Quoted Text
Theodore fidgets. Sighs.


I got confused when he was in the room  in the next scene because everything made it seemed as though he left. Maybe add a - He reluctantly follows him in....


Quoted Text
Theodore starts down the hall. Eric points.

SOLDAIR
Shorter if you go this way. Ignore the sign. Alarm’s broke.


Is it Soldair or Eric?

Anyway - killer premise. Just a bit confusing on the first read. Second read I got it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 10th, 2020, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Dave,

Thanks for the read. That's why I throw stuff up here... for people like you to catch all the little stuff I'm too close to see.

I'll make the changes. And, good catch on the inconsistencies. Most of them are artifacts from the first draft, or issues I've found myself caught in-between... like, how am I going to handle the names between the worlds? Each character in the real world has a magical counterpart. Dr. Gambrial is simply Gambrial in the fantasy world... Soldair vs. Soldair the Watcher... Mel is Melignius (not introduced in this episode.). I'm still working out how I want to handle the naming issue as I switch between the worlds...

Do I use Dr. Gambrial in the real world and Gambrial in the fantasy world? What about when I want the reader to be uncertain which world we're in?

I just finished the show bible. Really, the only thing left to do is clean up this pilot, solve for those few remaining issues, and write a second episode, just to show how the series moves from one episode to the next.

Very excited about this project. Want to get it right. Thanks for your help!

PK


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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eldave1
Posted: May 10th, 2020, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PKCardinal
Dave,

Thanks for the read. That's why I throw stuff up here... for people like you to catch all the little stuff I'm too close to see.

I'll make the changes. And, good catch on the inconsistencies. Most of them are artifacts from the first draft, or issues I've found myself caught in-between... like, how am I going to handle the names between the worlds? Each character in the real world has a magical counterpart. Dr. Gambrial is simply Gambrial in the fantasy world... Soldair vs. Soldair the Watcher... Mel is Melignius (not introduced in this episode.). I'm still working out how I want to handle the naming issue as I switch between the worlds...

Do I use Dr. Gambrial in the real world and Gambrial in the fantasy world? What about when I want the reader to be uncertain which world we're in?

I just finished the show bible. Really, the only thing left to do is clean up this pilot, solve for those few remaining issues, and write a second episode, just to show how the series moves from one episode to the next.

Very excited about this project. Want to get it right. Thanks for your help!

PK


No problem. Always a pleasure to read your stuff.

For MEL - you could go with MELANIE and accomplish the same objective.

GAMBRIAL is fine since he looks the same in both worlds and you use the same name.

For Eric - 1) For dialogue blocks, I would try to be a little consistent with his character name in the fantasy world and the real world. e.g.,

I'd be attempted to go with:

ERIC THE WATCHER

and

ERIC (real)

or

SOLDAIR THE WATCHER

and

SOLDAIR

Any hook that keeps our memory in line.  Like I said - the 2nd read it made perfect sense. Problem is that sometimes you don't get a second read.

PS - just noted that here:


Quoted Text
Eric Soldair, 30s, in medical scrubs, rubs his head.


ERIC SOLDAIR probably needs to be in CAPS


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 10th, 2020, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


ERIC SOLDAIR probably needs to be in CAPS


Yeah, I think you're right. I need to treat the introduction of the "real world" character as a different character, even though it's the same "person."



PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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