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Old Shuck by Martin Lancaster (Der Spieler) - Short, Gothic Horror - A young doctor sets up practice in a remote English village, a place steeped in myth and legend. The locals live in fear of an ancient and deadly curse, the curse of the spectre hound. Dogglebe's Halloween Writing Exercise entrant - pdf, format
Wow! This was amazing. I loved it. Poor Matilda. She did need some looking after.
I couldn't find anything wrong with this script. As I read, I was just so into it, amazed by the quality of the work, especially in the short amount of time to do it.
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
A big wow from me too. A very impressive offering (even though it lacked the dog run). It had distinct voices, a mystery, a plot and subplot, and great characters. A big thumbs up here.
Hmm...no dog run here. But, damn...we have gothic in spades! Very well done on the tone. You really nailed it. I know who wrote this one.
(SPOILERS)
* What is up with the Barman? Is this guy a pirate or something? I mean, at one point he actually says, "Aye, that be right." OK, in fairness, I see later that you are doing dialects throughout. That's actually pretty cool on a "playing-around" piece like this. * I see what George meant. You are really telling a complex little story here. I'll bet you already had something like this in mind for a while and then adapted it for this contest. Extra kudos if I am mistaken on that. * The dog has crazy eyes -- then -- when he puts on his glasses, they have returned to normal. Great. That is the kind of detail that really sets a script apart. * Dammit. What is with the vague ending? Man, this story could have had an excellent and very visual payoff and instead you gave me a head-scratcher. I mean, I think I know what happened, but I am not sure, you know? And I feel like I should be.
So, anyway, this is a great, great job. Really impressive. I am only beating up on the ending because I am pretty sure I know who this is, and because everything that went before it was so very excellent.
re: "no dog run here." This is why I waited until the exercise closed before posting. I thought that 'a dog run' was open to interpretation. Honestly, my first reaction was a dog racing track until Phil clarified that. However, if the script was gothic in nature and had a dog and the dog ran, that fulfilled the spirit of the topic.
The only one little thing that I could pick on in this is the line before the montage. Something bothered me about how that scene ended and then we're right into a montage over six weeks time. I think all that might be needed to fix that (for me, anyway) is one line of description describing the good doctor's reaction.
But yeah, really good stuff, especially the tone. Right away, it's got that kind of Sleepy Hollow/Dracula feel that we all know and love (maybe). I really liked it.
Awesome description. I don’t know what else to say about it. It was exhilarating. I love it when a writer accomplishes that perfect balance between novel-like description and the more quickly flowing scripted kind. It’s like getting a rush.
I could just tell it was going to be good right off the bat. I love the imagery it painted as well. The setting, still pristine with its sixteenth century history, made me long for Merry Old England! What beauty is described here.
Great characters, realistic dialogue. Very fine work. It was a real pleasure to read.
A stunning piece of work with spectacular descriptive imagery. The dialogue was all sharp and realistic throughout and the way that you put so much thought into the descriptions of settings but keeping it minimal was fantastic.
The story was powerful but the ending somewhat let me down. Like Bert said, somewhat of a headscratcher but I'm pretty sure I know what happened. Besides that, everything else was top notch, very professional. I'm pretty interested in knowing who wrote this, but I have an idea.
I kinda figured out who the rapist was as you didn't introduce too many characters. Other than that, it was a nice story that could be fleshed out more. The scenic descriptioins were very nice (probably your strong suit here), though at the beginning, I wasn't sure what century this story took place.
Yeah! Well developed script but I've a doubt about the century the story took places. It seems to me going back (Matilda) and fowards (Marcus). Sorry, but in my head Matilda is in the past time and Marcus is in the present time...Anyway, it is very good work and needs to be noticed by new directors around there.
P.S. Can the person who voted this thread 2 out of 5 provide some criticism to go with it?
Martin,
This whole thread rating system just doesn't seem to be working. I think the only people who use it are those who either really, really like something or try to sabatoge anonymously, so I've turned that functionality off.
With regard to Old Shuck, everyone's comments regarding the fantastic imagery I also echo. It was very evocative of a small, New England town or an small Amish town where, to me, the 19th and 21st centuries blend. Also, like everyone else, the ending was a head scratcher.
This whole thread rating system just doesn't seem to be working. I think the only people who use it are those who either really, really like something or try to sabatoge anonymously, so I've turned that functionality off.
Don
I noticed this, too. For the longest time, 'The Burnout' had a four star rating and one day it was down to 1.5 stars.
If people want to know if a script is good, they can read the criticism.
I'm those people who like this, really...Because I see something great in this script...as Don said : the end was a head scratcher but we are here todo it, aren't we?
Personally, when I got to the ending, I understood what happened. It wasn't explicit with what occurred, but it was one of those that forces you to pick up the pieces and say "Ah-ha." I kind of liked that aspect. Kind of like the Rosebud revelation of Citizen Kane...well, not that deep, but the same sort of effect.
Martin, you never cease to amaze me with the quality of your work.
This was a fantastic read
I loved your description in this. The scenery, the century, the dialect..... was excellent. I was completly engrossed when reading this piece.
It reminded me a little of An American Werewolf in London, purely for the similarity of the pub and the history of the curse sort of thing. I enjoyed this story and was intrigued to see how you would conclude it. I was a bit stumped by the ending at first and went back again and was like... "ohhhhhhhhh". So, I got it, but needed to re-trace to make sure. This is my only critiscm, that it suddenly stopped flowing and abruptly ended. Nevertheless, after a re-read, I was satisfied. Excellent dialogue throughout.
I can't believe you squeezed this all into just 21 pages. Needless to say, it shows in the quality of your writing that you took great care to research the legend for your story.
Thanks Andy. I had American Werewolf in mind when I wrote this. I know the ending is a little abrupt and unclear. That's mostly due to the page limit and the tight deadline.
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm looking forward to next week's challenge. I hope you'll be taking part
In terms of atmosphere, I would say this is the strongest of the four One Week Challenge entries I've read so far. I mean you really nailed the gothic atmosphere, complete with fog, a sleepy, secluded town, and a creepy narrator.
Speaking of the creepy town, one thing that took me out of the story for a while was the confusion as to whether this was taking place in past or present times. The strong setting would certainly suggest the former but the presence of Marcus suggested the latter. I got the hang of things pretty quick but still, I was lost for a while.
Not many other problems here. One thing I found weird was the slugline SURGERY. Perhaps something like INT. CLINIC would work better. Not many spelling or grammer errors. One that stood out for me, however, was: "she said she were... raped." Don't you mean was raped?
All in all, a very strong gothic-themed story. I loved the setting, the atmosphere, etc. I think what I enjoyed the most was the ambiguousness as to the motives of the "spectral hound." Is it good? Evil? Who knows? I thought that was really great.
Yeah, the time period is a bit vague with this one. I'm working on a very similar story ATM and having similar problems with that. I might actually write this one as a period piece after all.
'Surgery' is probably a Briticism. We call doctor's clinics surgeries, I guess it harks back to the old days when you'd actually have surgery there.
"She were raped" is a deliberate error. If you ever visit the North of England (God help you!) you'll find that is part of dialect in some areas, especially Yorkshire. I have a ton of these little dialect quirks in my next script. I think all the American folks round here will be scratching their heads when they read it.
A very creepy story, this town kinda reminded me of the town in An American Werewolf in London, and the The black Dog Inn reminded me of the Slaughtered lamb
The descriptions were great, and you created a creepy atmosphere.
The story flowed very well, cutting between Marcus and Matilda, then bringing it all together.
On the end I didn't really get it the first time, I went back and re read it and it made more sense.
Cheers for reading, flyboy. You seem to be bumping up a lot of my old shorts lately. It's much appreciated
Yeah, this one was heavily influenced by American Werewolf. I realize it could use a little work, especially the ending, but that's often the case when I enter these one-week challenges. I had plans to make a feature of this but that's been shelved for now, along with a dozen other unfinished drafts.
Anyway, thanks for the read. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I noticed somebody had read this short of yours recently so I decided to take a look see for myself.
I liked this. It’s a good short script with a good story. Full of suspense which leads all the way to the end which finally enables us the form an opinion of what this black dog is.
You describe this world very well, detailed and pictorial in the locations, places and characters too. Indeed, you make good use of well chosen action verbs to both increase the effect of the action being described and be related directly to that action, this provides a nice smooth read and adds much to the experience. Good job there.
I also considered you did a good job with your dialogue for all characters. Being from the North of England myself (Cheshire) I could see the characters in my mind’s eye and I appreciated the use of Yorkshire type dialect, this also worked very well and added another deeper dimension to your writing as well and lent to the believability of the characters within the story. Always a good sign.
Overall this was a good read, pleasant on the eye, suspenseful and quite addictive which force me the reader to keep turning the pages as I wanted to know more as the story unfolded. Again, another good sign that the story works on those levels.
I’m not sure about the title, I would have just called it BLACK DOG and be done with it. After all you call the pub “The Black Dog” and suggest it would have been in keeping (no pun intended) with the overall theme of the story to retain that as the story‘s title. Just a thought.
I’ve noticed you’ve used italics on some dialogue, on quoted V.O., I wouldn’t do this myself. It doesn’t hamper the read and I could see the reason behind why you did this to signpost the fact that the dialogue in the voice over is a quotation but I don’t think it’s necessary.
Also, there are a couple of occasions where you neglected to put DAY or NIGHT in some of your slugs. Again this didn’t hamper the read any as I could tell from the preceding slugs what time it was but I would have put them in myself. Maybe you left these out for that reason to facilitate a smother read so it wouldn’t take the reader away from the flow of it.
Some of the action is directly related to unfolding story and has examples of rising conflict between characters and this is good. Examples are in the pub discussing about the dog’s head on the wall and when the patient visits the doctor in his surgery. Good stuff. I’m not sure if the examples of through-lines in the MONTAGE sequence however are clear enough. I like the shots where you mention the architecture but you don’t mention any dog in this description. You do in some of the others. The black dog cast in the iron gates for example, where he takes his red setter for a walk on a country lane, again at the Black Dog Inn but the library sequence with the books on myth and legend was sitting reading a book is to general and really should relate to the other through-lines. Maybe you should describe the books as being about dogs or wolves and such like. Although admittedly this would give the game away. But I do think you should find an alterative solution for some of the shots mentioned in the montage to keep them on track and close to the theme or through-line as possible if you can. The decorating one is probably the one sequence which deviates from the plot and in a short maybe you could remove this one as it’s not needed, it could be cut in my opinion. If you strive for a series of shots which mention a dog in them, whether this be in the metal gates, taking the dog for a walk or reading a book about dogs, I reckon you’d be sticking to the theme more closely which would also provide better solid through-lines for your story. Would make for nice subtle visual subtexts which work on the reader and viewer psychologically too.
There is a dialogue break on page #12 the WOMAN, her lines split across the page to page #13 without the character’s name or a (CONT’D). If you’re using Final draft it’s the option on the Document pull-down, the Mores and Continues which needs switching “on” for the dialogue across the page option so it retains this for you. Maybe you’ve switched this off because of the other continued options being there also. Maybe you could check that out, Just thought I’d point this out for you..
The only other thing is if you use a FADE OUT: it should employ a full colon and be placed on the page where transitions go to the right of the page. I’d also suggest adding THE END centred on the following line just to finish your script off.
The only other thing I would comment on is your tempo. I don’t know if you’ve tried this but when I read this script I got this beat in my head as I read it “dum, dum dum dum dum,”.. I felt this was a strange beat and this tends to be he same all the way through, It is in the nature of your sentence construction and dialogue, It’s related to how many words are chosen for a sentence and the beat structure it creates. Have a read yourself and see if you feel this. I find I worry about this aspect of sentence structure because it’s a pulse and if you don’t notice it the sentences writing a certain way can create the same beat all the way through. It’s probably related to your staccato style of sentence construction but have a look see for yourself. This is always a tough one because one of the best ways of creating different tempos which suit certain sequences is to slow down the opening scenes so they flow more with a less regular pulse, more slowly if you will, longer sentence structures and as you progress more into the story where the tempo increases, as in faster suspense, then shorten the sentence structures to illustrate this. This will provide you with a faster pulse which will reflect in the unfolding drama action. I also try to go for regular pulse measures if I can – “fours” is good – it’s regular like a heartbeat. Just something to think about. This just makes the read bounce better. I’m sure it’s probably psychological but I feel if crafted well it can have an effect on your reader and translate well to the screen. It’s just a timing thing.
Enjoyed reading this script, Martin. You have a nice descriptive writing style and your script does look rather nice on the page. You tell a good story, manage to impart a sense of suspense and to some extent a little horror, It’s also nice you chose to write a story in a classic literary tradition. Overall a very satisfying script and story. Nice ending too..
Hey Kevan, thanks a lot for the thorough critique. You make some excellent points.
You're spot on about the montage. I was trying to establish a passage of time which was difficult given the page limit, but you're right about keeping it focused on the throughlines.
If I remember correctly, I wrote this in MS Word hence the page breaks. I use FD7 now.
Probably the most useful point I'll take from your critique is about the tempo. People often say my scripts read quickly which I think is a good thing, but I tend to run into problems when I need to quicken the pace. I think my style has evolved since writing this and pacing is one aspect I've been trying to improve. I still have a habit of charging through scenes when I should be slowing down. Your comments on the subject are very helpful.
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