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A Very Bad Day (currently 3710 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 6:11pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16458 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
A Very Bad Day by Roger Smith - Short - Things are not always as they appear. A wonderfully true anecdote leading to a wonderfully horrible day for Mike, who is not always what he might appear to be. 9 pages - doc, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Kevan |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 8:00pm |
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Posts298 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Hey
This isn't half bad, funny in parts, got a beginning, middle and end and the characters dialogue is quite good too..
That fat lady was a real bitch!
Poor Mike, what a bummer of a day.. LOL!!!
Quite funny.. Your formatting is way off, but what the Hell!
Well done for the effort anyways, at least it was funny and in my view this was the main exercise apart from the deadline.. |
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James McClung |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 8:19pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationWashington, D.C. Posts3293 Posts Per Day 0.48 |
A very bad day indeed. I liked this one a lot. The UFO and God demanding Mike repent were the highlights for me. One thing I didn't understand, though, was why the fat lady was ranting about magazines she herself was paying for. It's funny, don't get me wrong, but she's just drawing attention to herself. Maybe if she tried to steal them or something and got caught. Same effect and might even make the scene funnier. Anyway, good job with this one, Roger. |
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CindyLKeller |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 9:14pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1467 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
There were so many unexpected things in this script. I laughed my butt off. Hail God! Hail Mary! Ahhh! I think a little person would have been a nice addition to this one, but hey, it was fun without it. |
| Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Mr.Z |
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 9:10am |
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Been Around
LocationBuenos Aires - Argentina Posts743 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
A strange collection of crazy events that felt more random than a Simpsons or Family Guy chapter, but it worked. You had me chuckling for the most part, good job. |
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Helio |
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 9:35am |
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Old Timer Better to die with vodka than with tedium!
Posts1284 Posts Per Day 0.19 |
Yeah, Mr Smith it was very interesting and funny 9 pages! And well written too! Hail cow! |
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Herodreamer79 |
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 3:17pm |
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New
Posts136 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
this was great. i got a good laugh out of it
"I'M NOT A DEER!!!!"
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greg |
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 8:28pm |
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Old Timer Oh Hi
LocationSan Diego, California Posts1680 Posts Per Day 0.24 |
Haha. Everything that could have gone wrong did in this here story. Dialogue was good, most of the sequences were good too, cept I didn't particularly enjoy the UFO, but that's just me. On the other hand, my favorite part had to be the medieval fair by far. I was laughing out loud after that sequence!!! "Fetch, freak!" haha.
Very well done.
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| Be excellent to each other |
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Breanne Mattson |
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 8:59pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1347 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
This one had a pretty good plot. It had some funny moments and it streamed from situation to situation really well. I think it’s so visual that it would look better on screen than it does reading it but it’s pretty nice.
The only thing is a plot hole: Lucy is talking to Mike while he’s dodging lightning but never acknowledges it. That would be a hard thing to miss.
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ghost |
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 2:00pm |
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LocationIn My Mind Posts58 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
That was pretty funny. Boy, that guy did have a bad day. Hey, my name's Bruce. |
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tomson |
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 7:51pm |
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I really liked this one! I think the bad tempered lady at Target should meet up with Jack Ash though. you did well on having most of the stuff in the beginning coming back through the script. Even if some where random I felt that actually enhanced the sillyness and made it funnier. Good job! |
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George Willson |
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 8:22pm |
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Of The Ancients Doctor who? Yes, quite right.
LocationBroken Arrow Posts3591 Posts Per Day 0.51 |
Sorry, gotta hit this one...dial tone on a cell phone? Um, no. I mean, even landline phones don't get immediate dial tones when you hang up. That's purely a movie and TV convention. But a cell phone never has a dial tone at all (okay, except when you're making a 3-way call, but that's kind of an exception).
Geez, talk about a bad day. I don't think they can get much worse than that. I liked how this script flowed and moved, and it was very funny. Had to feel sorry for Mike, but his situations not only fit well with where you were taking us, but they were absolutely the worst thing that could possibly happen which makes for some good comedy. Well done. |
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Higgonaitor |
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 9:20pm |
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Been Around
Location(40.717261, -73.600087) Posts934 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
I thought it was funny, the U.F.O. kind of threw me off because of the closeness to reality you had going, but otherwise it was good. I was gonna tell you to establish that the script is pretty zany right from the start, to prepare people for the aliens and god, but now I think that if it was ever on screen the U.F.O. just as the first completely unrealistic thing would be a hilarious surprise. |
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Takeshi |
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 6:16am |
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Ah, those poor Target workers, he's the second one to cop it in this writing exercise. Anyway, the whole mistaken identity thing you had going on was great. I also enjoyed the way the magazine conversation from the start, tied back into the story with the UFO. It was an entertaining script. I hope you resubmit it once you get time to polish up the formatting. 7/10
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thegardenstate89 |
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 6:25pm |
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Funny little sketch. I enjoyed how you were able to keep the series of bad events going from one to another. In some parts I think Mike could've kept his mouth shut instead of talking to himself. Good job though. |
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Higgonaitor |
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 4:07pm |
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Been Around
Location(40.717261, -73.600087) Posts934 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
First off, thanks everyone for readsing it.
Quite funny.. Your formatting is way off, but what the Hell! |
Thanks, could you maybe tell me what in the format made it way off? I need to work on that.
Quoted from George Willson Sorry, gotta hit this one...dial tone on a cell phone? Um, no. I mean, even landline phones don't get immediate dial tones when you hang up. That's purely a movie and TV convention. But a cell phone never has a dial tone at all (okay, except when you're making a 3-way call, but that's kind of an exception). |
It's one of those magical cell phones that miraculously hears dial tones. Either that or it was just his girlfriend making the noise..I like that, Ill go change it.
Quoted from tony In some parts I think Mike could've kept his mouth shut instead of talking to himself. |
Don't you think that that would make it a bit to action heavy though? I think I should keep it, but do you have any suggestions to make it like, flow better?
The only thing is a plot hole: Lucy is talking to Mike while he’s dodging lightning but never acknowledges it. That would be a hard thing to miss. |
Although it was not my intention at first, I do think that I like her not noticing, or rather, seeming to care, especially if I go with my dial tone Idea up above. Thanks for pointing that out, ill make it obvious that i am lampooning her self centeredness.
Quoted from James Mclung One thing I didn't understand, though, was why the fat lady was ranting about magazines she herself was paying for. It's funny, don't get me wrong, but she's just drawing attention to herself. Maybe if she tried to steal them or something and got caught. Same effect and might even make the scene funnier. |
I actually don't think that that happened, Ill go back and look though.
Quoted from cindylkeller I think a little person would have been a nice addition to this one, but hey, it was fun without it. |
You mean like a dwarf? I could efinetely see that hasppening. I hope that that was politically correct. Thanks for reading everyone! I'm so happy that you all seemed to like it. |
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Mr.Z |
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 4:15pm |
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Been Around
LocationBuenos Aires - Argentina Posts743 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Hey Higg, there's a quote in your last post that doesn't belong to me. Just letting you know... EDIT: Oops... already fixed. |
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Higgonaitor |
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 4:46pm |
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Been Around
Location(40.717261, -73.600087) Posts934 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
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Kevan |
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 5:21pm |
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Posts298 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Higgonator
Enjoyed the script..
Well done..
Kev |
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Higgonaitor |
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 8:51pm |
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Been Around
Location(40.717261, -73.600087) Posts934 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
Thanks Kevan, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Any formatting tips? |
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tomson |
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 9:58pm |
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Don't think I've ever read anything of yours before. Maybe I should, I thought this was quite clever and good. |
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Higgonaitor |
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 9:59pm |
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Been Around
Location(40.717261, -73.600087) Posts934 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
Theres not much else, but I do have a feature lenght on the way...
It's prett much just the Sitcom Series mindless, which is poorly formatted, and unfortunately probably not going to go anywhere. |
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Breanne Mattson |
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 11:49pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1347 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Hey Hig, Good job. This was a fun read.
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Higgonaitor |
Posted: April 25th, 2006, 9:25am |
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Been Around
Location(40.717261, -73.600087) Posts934 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
Glad you liked it Breanne, thanks for the review. |
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bert |
Posted: April 25th, 2006, 8:15pm |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4233 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Higgs, I loved the momentum of this story. It just kept getting better and funnier as it moved along at a wonderful pace. You did a great job here.
I particularly liked the guy with the fur coat and antlers running through the woods -- it's not the kind of joke that you see coming -- but when it arrives, it makes perfect sense -- and it would probably be very, very funny to watch.
The only format snafu I could see was your use of (V.O.), which goes after the character's name, on the same line, like this: MIKE (V.O.)
That, and the fact that most of your (V.O.) are really (O.S.), which is "off-screen". They're not the same thing. Ask George if you don't know what I mean.
Pound for pound, this one had more actual comedy than most of these. Good job. Oh -- and cows eat out of a trough, not a troth. |
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Higgonaitor |
Posted: April 25th, 2006, 9:32pm |
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Been Around
Location(40.717261, -73.600087) Posts934 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
Good job. Oh -- and cows eat out of a trough, not a troth. |
Damn! Thanks bert. Yeah, I think I get the V.O. versus O.S., I actually thought they were the same, and you could just choose whichever one suits you. Thanks again, glad you liked it. |
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DOM |
Posted: September 10th, 2006, 6:36am |
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I read this script, and I loved every part of it! I've seen stuff on TV like Meet The Parents, and The Worst Week Of My Life, and I love the whole "everything goes wrong" thing! 10/10, man. |
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Higgonaitor |
Posted: September 10th, 2006, 8:35pm |
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Been Around
Location(40.717261, -73.600087) Posts934 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
Glad you enjoyed it bud.
-Tyler |
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DOM |
Posted: September 11th, 2006, 10:09am |
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Well, I've read your other stuff like Love Bites, The Search For The Great American Jackelope, and you know I like Mindless. So, yeah, I like your writing. Keep up the good work. |
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Higgonaitor |
Posted: September 11th, 2006, 1:44pm |
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Been Around
Location(40.717261, -73.600087) Posts934 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
Quoted from DOM Well, I've read your other stuff like Love Bites, |
And you didn't review? C'mon! I need help! |
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DOM |
Posted: September 11th, 2006, 2:19pm |
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Oh, right. If you want, I'll get right on it. |
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Higgonaitor |
Posted: September 11th, 2006, 4:12pm |
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Been Around
Location(40.717261, -73.600087) Posts934 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
sweet, and perhaps, if you read jackelope, one for that as well would be most appreciated, and would ensure better scripts in the future. |
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DOM |
Posted: September 12th, 2006, 10:12am |
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theprodigalson |
Posted: September 15th, 2006, 1:45pm |
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New Who ever believeth in me shall have a cookie
LocationHometown:Salem,Ma Posts129 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Pro's Funny script. Good Writing. great idea.
Con's while funny, could be funnier. Ending felt rushed. Having him get killed felt like the easy out, even with the gag at the end. format off.
Verdict: It was a fun script, and quite interesting. decent way to kill off a few minutes. |
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