Good effort.

I'll just point out some of the things that I thought were slightly off in terms of the story.

1) The opening scene with the police seems unnecessary. It dosn't add anything to the drama of the script and would be a huge expense to film.

  I would strike that and just imply their presence with sound and flashing lights.

2) Peter speaks too much. He is setting the pace of the conversation at the start of the film. That is not only unrealistic but takes away the suspense because we don't get a sense of fear coming across.

3) Why is Ant so angry at Peter? It's Lea that has wronged him, so why such animosity towards the husband?

  In many ways they are kindred spirits, they have both been wronged by the same woman, one of them just doesn't know yet.

4) Lose the bit with the cameramen outside. As soon as the short goes outside the atmosphere of the piece drops completely.

5)

Quoted Text A canine unit searches outside the Frayling house. A couple of dogs sniff around the front yard then they sit, a signal they have located the target's scent.

I'm not buying the bit with the canine squad. They're not on a drugs bust and they know very well where the perp is, he's in the house. Half the force are already there.


6)

Quoted Text He whips his revolver around to his front and climbs on top of the washing machine. He peeks through a small almost blocked out window.

He should get Peter to look out of the window with a gun held to his head. He wouldn't risk the possible sniper fire.

7)

Quoted Text Keep your weapons locked in the safety position and await further instructions!

Is this standard procedure? I very much doubt it. They are specialists, I'm sure they can be trusted to hold fire rather than put it on safety.

The time it would take to take the safety off could cost a life.

Quoted Text It's like this! You're fuckin' wife was sleeping with my wife! She's a lesbian bitch! She fucked my wife and now my life's fucked!

  Hmm.  He must have found out from his own wife what her name was and where she lived, so why does he ask Lea what her name was earlier in the script?

Overall quite a good effort. It's well paced and well written.

Having got to the end, I can't help but feel that you've withheld information from us to make the end more of a surprise.

We don't get any hints as to why he is in the house. This affects the level of tension in the piece; because he doesn't seem to want anything in particular, there is nothing that we are scared of him getting.

You should set up that it is Peter he is here to see more. Have Ant quiz him about personal things like his sex life with his wife.

In short ask him about all the things that he questioned his own wife about. That way he gets truthful answers about his own life from a stranger and it also gives you the opportunity to set up the ending better by misleading us that it is Peter that he wants and also allowing you to make visual sugestions with Lea when she reacts to Ants actions.

Cheers, Rick.

Quoted from Takeshi On the other hand, it would be funny if after protesting against Ant the whole time, Peter started yelling shoot the bitch after he found out what Ant’s motivation was. He could go from judging him to empathizing with him, as he might, given the fact that he’s been cheated on too.

You could take this even further.  What if Peter was so incensed by his wife cheating on him that he: loses the plot, gets Ant's gun and shoots her and then gets blown away by the cops? Then Ant could turn the tables and say that Peter had killed both the women and he could get off scot-free. That would be an ending with not one, but three twists.

I hear what your saying Chris about that ending. Truth is, that idea never entered my head!! LOL...

I want to say thanks to everyone that has taken the time out to read this short of mine. I only wish you all could have read it on better terms than what has happened!!

Quoted from Takeshi You could take this even further.  What if Peter was so incensed by his wife cheating on him that he: looses the plot, gets Ant's gun and shots her and then gets blown away by the cops? Then Ant could turn the tables and say that Peter had killed both the women and he could get off scot-free. That would be an ending with not one, but three twists.

That's actually a fantastic idea. It's not my call but I would use it if I were you. Twists come and go in varying levels of predictability but I'd say three twists are rare and if two of them fail, one of them's gotta be a shocker.

Just a thought.

Quoted from ameruss2 I don't really buy the twist unless the wife confesses before the killer can...trying to explain things to her husband..makes it true..instead of wondering. your descriptions are solid.

OK so I gave this a read and I like the story, but I have to agree with this poster on not buying the twist in the end.

Your first scene set up is unrealistic. Why all the police and helicopters and the canine units? This is supposed to be a crime scene, where Ant shot his wife, and in this case we should see police detectives and crime lab assistants examining the crime scene. But your set up is similar to what we would see during or at the end of a car chase or bank robbery. I mean how did the cops know so soon that Ant shot his wife and they're chasing him?

Ant's dialogue seems a bit unnatural. This is supposed to be a grieving man who just shot his wife because he discovered she was cheating on him and wanted to leave him. But his demeanor, and the excessive usage of the 'F' word marked him in my mind as a thug, not a grieving man. All your characters used the F word a lot by the way, including the cameraman. Talk about the cameraman and the news lady, not sure why you felt you needed them in the story, they don't add anything because we get all the facts from Ant as the story develops.

All of page 7 is dedicated to the media and the cops, even thought you already established that in page 1.

And by the way there's a title out there that's similar to yours:

http://www.we.tv/show?CID=key%3D63915%26tzOffset%3D0

Good Luck.

I have never heard of this series or film Ayham so please excuse the familiar format yeah?

I just read this.

While I like the descriptions and how you set up your scenes, I didn't really see the point of this. Like others have said, the twist wasn't very well set-up and I didn't get a "aha..." feeling at all.

I thought, because of the names you gave the characters (Antagonist, Page-turner and so forth), that you'd somehow do a commentary or spoof on a Hollywood hostage situation. A lot of it was pretty cliché. The psychopath felt very reminiscent of your average nothing-to-lose foulmouthed bank robber in a botched heist. I was sort of expecting it was just an act, that he acted like a cliché (his wife was cheating on him so he killed her) as a means to have the situation play out the way he planned.

The twist came out of nowhere and you feel like it's just another of his crazy outbursts, and not necessarily his real motivation shooting her. He did seem pretty...uhm...'spontaneous' to say the least, so it could just be anexcuse to kill her. You present a lot of information suddenly (i.e. Lea is lesbian and cheating on Peter with Ant's wife) without having anyone a chance to elaborate or dispute it. Also, maybe you should give hints to Peter and Lea's rocky marriage somehow.

Like I said, I like the way you write, but I didn't see the point in this story; what you were trying to acheive.

Quoted from Combichrist I have never heard of this series or film Ayham so please excuse the familiar format yeah?

The familliar format is excused... But I have to tell you, I sent you this link on purpose... Just to show you that mistakes, strange coicidences and misunderstandings can easily happen in the crazy business of writing

I had never doubted for a second that it is just a coincidence that this link has your script title and half of your synopsis, and I gave you all the benefits of the doubt, something you didn't give to Kevan, which I hope you reconsider doing. I've known this guy to be very helpful on this site, the first to always answer any question and almost the only one to give a very in-depth analysis of screenplays. I really think he deserves a chance, rather than all the attacks and the ruining of his reputation.

That's all I have to say.

Well the synopsis for that show ain't nothing like this other than they both have adultery in it, but I mean, how many crimes of passions are out there, and of course most of them will be about adultery....LOL

Quoted from Ayham I had never doubted for a second that it is just a coincidence that this link has your script title and half of your synopsis, and I gave you all the benefits of the doubt, something you didn't give to Kevan, which I hope you reconsider doing. I've known this guy to be very helpful on this site, the first to always answer any question and almost the only one to give a very in-depth analysis of screenplays. I really think he deserves a chance, rather than all the attacks and the ruining of his reputation.

All Kevan ever did was use wikpedia then post it, but this is one thing he can't wikpedia his way out of....LOL

Quoted from Ayham The familliar format is excused... But I have to tell you, I sent you this link on purpose... Just to show you that mistakes, strange coicidences and misunderstandings can easily happen in the crazy business of writing I had never doubted for a second that it is just a coincidence that this link has your script title and half of your synopsis, and I gave you all the benefits of the doubt,

You gave me the benefit of the doubt for MY work being stolen? Wow that is very nice of you, I think a lot of people on here know Crimes of Passion is my work and they have all seen that long before Kevan had this on his site. So as for the benefit of the doubt don't bother we all are aware that he has done this to other people, I am only the lastest victim here!!

And this is no coincidence either, or mistake... How do you mistakingly erase the original writers name from a title page? and add your own, and your own address? I guess you mark that up as a coincidence too? And as for ruining his reputation, I guess my reputation has no impact then? Excuse me if I am out of my fu**ing head here, but did he not steal my work? This will not only follow him through his career but mine also!! So I am terribly sorry If I cannot sit back and take this easy!!

No matter what Kevan was like on SS fact is people know he stole not just my work but Kotton's and god knows how many other peoples work!!

I'm very sorry if my comments offended and made you more upset than you already are. That was not my intention at all...

Cheers

No Ayham it didn't mate, I just feel people are now changing from me, and going with Kevan... I mean as the original author I feel forever on SS people will despise me for Kevan's actions, and will not take my views as real because of what he did... I never meant you any harm Ayham, IO just meant I know myself in my heart I wrote this script, and when people start to turn on me and say I never I get hurt and feel rejected... Because a few people on here knowq I am in the right and Kevan is in the wrong!! I have the proof to back up my story!!

So when people hit out at me on this case I get hurt because I submitted my work in truts to members of this board to read and review and all I am getting is this crap that I am not the writer or I have no proof!! I do... and I am... So it hurts I have never been in such a position like this in my life!! And let me tell you it really sucks I cannot sleep at night!! because people may believe the LIER over the truth who is me!!

This has once again slid away from talking about the script, so I willl lock this thread.

Don