Hey alffy,

This was quite an interesting little tale you wrote there. I must admit though I didn't know what was going on before you started superimposing. Then I got it.

That's a funny game - I've never heard of it before but it did make me wanna go out and try it. Did you invent that word game? If so - kudos. If not - kudos for sharing.

I thought the structure and the general format was spot on, I can't really put my finger on anything here. There where a few typo's but nothing major. My English is American based while yours is obviously British (duh) so there were a few words here and there that I didn't get (though I think I know what they meant).

Regarding the actual dialog within the game, I think it was so-and-so. Some of it was quite good and inventive while some seemed a bit forced. I was particulary interested in what you were gonna do with X, and Xerox was a little bit of a let down (surely there must be thousands of words beginning with the letter X  )

SUPER 'X'

PETE
Xylophone-players should learn to play a real instrument.

ANNA
Oh-kay.

(Just a suggestion).

Unlike most of the other posters here I actually think that it is Pete that needs some work. Darren, while not a major player in the story, actually managed to piss me off. I can�t quite put my finger on what it was that pissed me off about him, he just felt like a punk that needed to get his ass kicked.

Pete on the other hand seems somewhat doll to me. He doesn�t really do much besides just stand there. I think a little physical interaction with the others in the queue would help(or would that screw up the game?). I�m not saying you should turn him into Robin Williams but a little more body movement would work I think.

All in all a nice and quick read.

Keep up the good work.


Cheers
Rob

Cheers for the read Rob,

I may get round to another rewrite sometime soon, and your suggestions are noted.  I understand where your coming from regarding Pete and his few interactions so it's something I will work on.

Thanks again mate.

This is the last of your scripts (from your thread) that I haven't read...

I had seen this 'game' played on Whose Line Is It Anyway, both the British and the American version and, while it was funny watching comedians adlib it, it lost something in the translation.  It just didn't ring any bells for me.

The story didn't build at all, either.  Where it started was where it ended.  And this is the worst part of it.  I didn't feel any tension building as Pete was working his way through the alphabet.  It was like reading a script of someone buying groceries froma list.  He finds the first thing and then moves on to the second thing and then the third.  That's it.

On the other hand, I thought your characterization was good and the dialogue was natural.  It was smooth in these two aspects, but the story was lacking.


Phil

Alffy, unfortunately I read about the bet before I read the actual script.

But I still thought it was a really imaginative concept. Certainly an entertaining one. Despite being unable to tell you if I would've gotten 'it' if I hadn't been let in one the joke, I think you spell it out too much with the super-imposing of letters. Even if it might seem confusing at first glance I think it would be more satisfying to figure it out for oneself. For some that might of course mean the story is lost on them, but you can't please everyone.

Going through the alphabet this slavishly might prove a bit tedius when you think about building suspense, like Phil said. However, if you throw in obstacles from the surrounding spectators earlier, you could build a greater sense of accomplishment when the task is completed. In the end you need to make it seem like he almost didn't make it. Just by a hair's breadth.

Keeping the super-imposed letters also ruins any mystery about the whole thing. Let people go "wtf" the first time around. Maybe that's part of the charm, you know? Noticing the game he's playing is a punchline in itself, I would say.

On another note, I thought the dialogue was great, and it was refreshing to read some British English for once. Perhaps there are more British scripts on the site, but I tend to find most are written in General American.

Quaint.

Really, there's not much more to say. Story was smart and enjoyable. The writing was excellent and to the point. Use a little more oomph in the climax, perhaps? Very much of the game is repetition once you catch on, so a strong punchline at the end of the joke would work better, I think. Would make the effort worth it.

X-ray was the X-word I thought he was gonna use, by the way. You know, as in military code.

...

Zebras are pretty.




---

Sorry about that review. Really. That was the stupidest thing ever.

I have too much time on my hands. But I did mean what I said.

Thanks for the read Phil.

This was the first script I ever wrote, so used it as an exercise really.  I used to watch 'whoes line is it anyway' but I must have missed that one.  Anyway sorry it didn't strike a note but I'm glad you thought the dialogue was natural, some positives are better than none. lol.

Death Monkey,

I first submitted this without the 'supers' but unfortunately no-one picked up on the concept of the story.  After much debating I pu them in, although I did prefer it without.  My main aim with this one was to create decent dialogue which I think I achieved.

Anywho thanks to you both.

Hopefully the updated 'The Big Stiff' will be up next week.

LOL very good Death Monkey you totally got me there!!!

You see even I didn't pick up on it and it was my concept, doh!

I really liked this alffy! you're a funny guy! The beginning was a little confusing, but I quickly caught on. This is currently my favorite script from you. Very original. Very funny! Great Job!

9 out of 10

Zack

Thanks Zack, I've so many rewrites with this one - adding supers and then taking them out and then adding them again.  Many people found it too confusing but I'm glad you enjoyed it.  Cheers.

Genius. I'm getting to be a big fan of yours. I did get the bet on the first read. Would love to read the feature you are working on.

Gald you liked it Tony.

The feature I'm working on is something completely different as it's a serious horror, hope it turns out alright lol.

Thanks again for the read, if you post anything here let me know and i'll return a review.

Hi, alffy
Just read your script and I am sorry to say that I just did not get it. If this was viewed on the screen how are the audience, without the script in front of them, supposed to "get" the fact that each time Pete speaks he starts with the particular letter of the alphabet flashed on screen.
I also think that a comedy script should contain comedy either visual or oral, there was neither in this script, though, to fair, I did not get passed "SUPER "I"." At this point I was starting to think about reaching for a cotton bud and cleaning my ears. You lost me.
This to my mind was a sketch, a very long sketch, with a poor final pay-off. I know this review is harsh and I don’t want to upset you it is not my intention to do so. You are infinitely more experienced in writing than I, so take this with a pinch of salt.
Regards, John.

Hey John, thanks for reading my script but you couldn't have picked an older one.

This actually the first script I ever posted and it shows.  I hope I have become abetter writer than this shows....I hope lol.

If you fancy reading something else of mine, and I know I'm being cheeky, try something further down on my signature list.  The Chocolatier seems to be my most generally liked script.

Of course if I can repay the read just let me know and I'd be happy to read anything you want.  If you haven't posted anything but have something written and want someone to check it out, you can email me anything.

Thanks again, John.