Okay, I'm back.

Pg. 38 - I think there needs to be some sort of catalyst for the mother's turnaround.  Either that or something should happen to confirm her newfound faith.  Give her a sign of hope.  Maybe she catches a glimpse of the alien's ship as it races through the sky.  Or possibly a treasured momento from her husband inexplicably turns up, one that she had been looking for and feared lost forever (of course in this senario the alien would have left it for her to find).  This might help tie in the alien subplot with the rest of the story as well.  

I like the parallel storylines you had going, contrasting mother and son and how each deals with grief.  It's not a too far-fetched senario either.  Children can be much more resillient than adults.  

I liked all the characters however I think Andrea seems a little too 'together' if you know what I mean.  Girls are more mature than boys at that age for sure; I just think she needs to share in his awkwardness a little bit.

I know how hard it is to write outside your element so good job.  For me personally, I'm the opposite - I can write for children; it's adults I have trouble with.  The tone was pretty consistent throughout.  I'm glad you injected a bit of humor into it as well - just the right balance I think.  Too much or too little and it could easily collapse under it's own weight.

Hope this helps.

Just outta curiosity Jordan, was there any particular reason you parelleled the Alien with Jesus? Or is it just supposed to be a metaphorical symbol of hope and faith? 'cuz I think it's pretty cool how you did that.

Thanks for the read mgj,  I hope this took the bad taste of Spoiled out of your mouth  

I should probably show the mother passed out or something, she could be so out of it that she wouldn't hear the noise or see the bright light.

Yeah, maybe Andrea does talk a little too grown up, I should try and make her sound a little more her age.

I do plan on giving the mother more of A reason to finally come out of her shell, it may be a little too abrupt as others have mentioned as well.

I'm glad you liked this more than Spoiled, boy would I have felt bad if you didn't...LOL

anyways thanks for the read and comments.

Quoted from Steve-Dave Just outta curiosity Jordan, was there any particular reason you paralleled the Alien with Jesus? Or is it just supposed to be a metaphorical symbol of hope and faith? 'cuz I think it's pretty cool how you did that.

Yes Steven, that was intention, it was good that you spotted it.  I didn't wanna hit people over the head with a sledge hammer with that parallel, but I did want it to be there.

Thanks again  

Jordan I told you I would check this out. Here's what I thought:

First off I thought it was a warm gentle little story. Mixing the alien concept with that of a young boy dealing with his fathers death worked well for the most part. Much like the themes in E.T.

There were a few spelling errors and such but it didn't distract me.

I'm kind of with some of the others who commented about the sub-plot. Though if you took the alien out of the equation, it would fit well for the fact that the story is really about Billy trying to come to grips with the tragedy while getting no support from his Mother.

About the alien. After I finished I just had this overwhelming feeling that it might have worked better from a storytelling standpoint if the alien really looked human. Through alot of Billy and the alien's conversations it just didn't play well in my head. Could maybe have the alien acting maybe like a lost drifter or something and because of Billy's longing to talk with someone who understands, he befriends him. The 'reveal' could come when Joe mentions that he knows why he's been sent and he morphs into the alien look or something like that. In my mind it would have created a more dramatic punch or 'realization' moment. That's probably just me.

Either way, I actually liked this story. It moved fast after it got going. I don't usually like fluffy stories but surprizingly it worked for me this time.

--Kotton

Thanks for the read Kotton, I for some reason, wanted the alien to be the "little green man" type, nothing threatening, at least that was my goal.  I dunno bout making him look like a human, cause a man in the woods with a little boy may get people thinking of a different type of story, but it is something to look into.

Anyways I'm glad you liked it, I am also not into fluffy stories, but I tried to make this as non fluffy for a family film that I could.

Thanks again

This was a nice little story and I’m pretty surprised you wrote it. What I’ve read from you so far has been very gruesome, violent and just all out bloody. It’s nice to see that a writer can branch out to different genres.

SPOILERS--------------------------

Notes as I read:

Cool how Billy’s picture “comes to life” in his hand.

I think there is way too much unneeded description in this. “Billy is dressed in grey sweat-pants and a white t-shirt.” What if he had black sweat pants on and a blue t-shirt? My point is that I don’t think it would make that much of a difference.

There’s a lot of non-verbal communication and action in the script which is cool. Many writers think they have to show characters speak to reveal what their feeling, but you show you don’t.

Page 9 it’s, “allowed” not “aloud”

“Billy looks over and her grinning from ear to ear?” – What’s that supposed to mean?

Billy behaves a little too lackadaisical and laid back in the first encounter with the alien. If I were Billy I’d be like, “What the hell? Get out of the costume, dude.” There’s not enough shock, which I’d think there’d be a lot of. Wouldn’t it take more time for Billy to believe the Alien?

When Billy and the Alien are talking on the cliff you have a lot of dialogue and little action lines. Readers should be able to imagine what motions your characters are making while they speak.

On page 36, when Billy says, “You have shown me kindness, and the good that is in all beings, in all worlds.” It seemed too out of the blue and doesn’t sound like something that Billy would say.

On page 38, it should be “light” not “lit”.

Overall:

The Alien could also stay with Billy a little longer. That could allow Billy to believe in him easier and it could also make Billy’s attachment to him more believable.

Jasper was a really funny character and I wouldn’t have minded seeing him in it a little more towards the end.

Great story and a great read. I like how this one ends a lot. If I were to change any thing about the script I’d probably go into more background with the Alien. So far what we know about him and why he’s “dangerous” isn’t much.

Good Luck.

Thanks for the read TAnthony,

The picture coming alive in Billy's hand is a visual thing, it really doesn't come alive, it's just the way he sees it.

I maybe should have him freak out a little more with his first encounter with the alien, even though he does freak out a little, I dunno, I'll have to give that another look as well.

I do plan on doing this as a feature so there will be more stuff with the alien and more character growth in it, st least I hope so.

Thanks agaon for the read.

Quoted from The boy who could fly The picture coming alive in Billy's hand is a visual thing, it really doesn't come alive, it's just the way he sees it.

Of course, I was just saying that it was pretty cool.

When you turn this into a feature are you going to keep the title or change it?

Quoted from TAnthony When you turn this into a feature are you going to keep the title or change it?

i like the title, at least for me it works.

Quoted from The boy who could fly This is my first family type story, no sex/nudity, violence or any strong language.  I think after Spoiled I needed to prove to myself I am not just a sick twisted freak

I know what you mean, I feel the same about some of my stuff.  

I think you did a really nice job with this one.

I read through the comments and a lot of what needed to be said has already been pointed out. I'm glad to see you got so many good helpful reviews.

I for one liked the alien angle and I also liked that he seemed quite human. My Aliens in Precious Popcorn were the same way. I think Billy's and the alien's relationship was really nice and I do not think that anyone else needs to see him. I think it works the way it is. It was very nice to see Billy bringing him a blanket and food.

Billy's relationship with Andrea worked for me as well. I thought it was cute.

I was a little less happy with Billy and Jasper. Sure, he was more of a sidekick, but it still needs to further the story along and I didn't feel that it accomplished that. I think you can either work more on their relationship or trim it down some.

Billy's mom did not come off as very lovable in the beginning, but I don't think you intended for her to do that either. She was supposed to be distant after her husband's death. Her turn around was somewhat abrupt, but I still bought it.

You did a really nice job showing Billy's relationship with his dad. The picture that came alive and the tree house building. Very nice!  

Sorry this has taken me so long.....

You did a great job, and congratulations on writing something "clean".  

PS. The title is fine IMO.

Thank you Pia for the read, I'm glad you liked my clean script    maybe I should write more cause I liked writing this one eventhough it is flawed, but I have to say it is one of my favorites.

When I re write this Jasper will have a bigger role and hopefully I will be able to flesh out his realationship with Billy a bit more,.

Billy's mom was the hardest part to write for me, it is a difficult part to write, I wanted her to remain distant till the end, but that can also make her unlikable, so I am trying to figure out a way to blend her in more, keep her distant and not make her unlikeable.

Thank you again for your read

Anyways, I'm happy you liked it and thank you for you're comments.

Yo J-Rok!!!

I'm impressed, not one curse word.  You definitely had this oriented toward the family film genre and you pulled it off very nicely.  

*I liked what you did with Billy's mother, essentially having her as a living corpse throughout the story before closing with her speech and attempting to rectify her relationship with Billy.
*Unless there was a time barrier somewhere in here, I think Billy had a little too much attitude going toward his mother.  I mean the line "It's like both of my parents are dead" I thought was way out of line.
*I say this for alot of shorts, but I think it really overqualifies here that you should extend this into a feature.  I mean this more than any other because it's 40 pages which is right there in the middle of a feature/short.  Mr. Z touched base on this and I think everyone else agrees that the sub-plots don't connect to each other, but I think with another 40-50 pages, you could easily connect everything and make it more balanced.  If you think about it, "Joe" is only in half the story.  His first line is on page 20, and after that his relationship with Billy seems really rushed.
*That leads me to the ending.  Was the alien sent here to kind of rejuvenate Billy's spirit?  Is that what it was?  This is where I think more story telling could come in handy, because I thought something with the dad would come in here, like through some strange extraterrestrial action, the dad is somehow connected to the people on Joe's planet, and when they hear that he dies, they come to Earth to save Billy's sorrow cause his dad was so cool or something.  
*So yeah, I think this is a really touching story and I think expanding it would really strengthen everything up.  You also have a knack for creating a mood and atmosphere in your stories and I felt it in full throttle here.  You got the coldness feel, and the strength of a spirit, and even a little bit of the loss of innocence.  The very, very ending though I really liked, where you have Billy looking through the telescope, and then we see how his relationship with his mother is already fixing it self, and then the final lines "what do you see?" "Hope."  I loved that.  Everything in that short scene worked perfectly.

Overall a very touching story, and for like the third time in this review, you should expand it.  Go more into Joe's mission/background and work that into Billy's loss of his father.  If were to expand it I think killing off Joe would still keep that emotional feel up at the end, but also elaborate more on why they want to kill him.  Bunches of possibilities that you can interweave in there.

It sure was a pleasure to read this.  A very wholesome tale, and it's definitely different waters in terms of the horror/thriller genre that you usually stick to, but you succeed here immensely.  Nice work!

Hey Greg, thanks for the read and comments.  As you already know this was a huge stretch for me, family friendly is not my thing, but I really did like writing this.  I may have to try it again sometime

I am gonna make this a feature sometime, I think it could work quite well if I really worked hard on it.

The story does rush in the end mostly cause it was getting long, looking back I should have just made it as long as I wanted.

There will be a lot more about the alien in it, so I hope it turns out well.

Thanks again for the read

Well I read this little diddy last night, and yes I am aware that a diddy is techincally a song and dance number, and it's also probably spelt "ditty", but moving on.

What a lovely family story this was. I can see you've already got a fair few reviews and they're all quite detailed, so I'll just skim over the basics:

Good formatting
Good structure
Good characters

There were a couple of things that in there that I do want to point out, however:

Quoted from Page 18 Billy moves in for a kiss. There lips touch. The sky EXPLODES with green, red and blue light and shines down on the two of them.

Awwwwwwwwwwwww. This is so cute. I'm an absolute sucker for the mushy stuff, and this is probably the best romance in any script on the site. Granted, I ain't read very many love stories on here, but this was absolutely adorable. What a heartwarming moment.

Another scene I really enjoyed was the scene where Billy shows the Alien the ocean. That was a very nice moment, and made me think of the potential for this alien character. Unlike Alex, I don't think this would work as a feature, but spending a little more time with the Alien, not much, just a little, would really give the finale an added punch. The reason I don't think this would work very well as a feature is very, very simple. Two letters: E.T. Spielberg has already done a little boy and an alien story and he did it better than anyone else could ever possibly hope to do it and I think if you flushed this script out into a feature, there would be a few too many similarities. Keep it as a short, definitely.

Now onto my only gripe: Billy. He doesn't seem like a twelve-year-old boy to me. I understand that when something tragic happens, people change, and perhaps Billy has been forced to grow up a little too fast, but at no point did he ever feel like a twelve year old to me. He felt like a sixteen year old, he had that kind of emotional maturity that doesn't really suggest a prepubescant character. This may have been what you were going for, but it just didn't work for me.

The rest of the script was gold. The scene with mother and son bonding over the telescope strikes absolutely the perfect note on which to go out on. You could almost even omit Billy's line ("hope") in that scene, because it's so obvious that he's grown and changes, which is the mark of good writing. This was a great script. I was depressed at the beginning, and by the end I had one helluva smile on my face. This type of script not being your forte exactly, you should branch out even more into this area. This is as a good a script as anything else you've written. Really well done.  


Matt.

Yo Matt, thanks for the read, glad you liked my "nicer" side, wait, I don't have a nice side, just a little more watered down I guess.

I know Billy may seem a to act a little older than most 12 year olds, but there are some kids out there who are more mature than most adults.  My 10 year old cousin, I need a thesaurus to understand what he is saying sometimes...LOL.   I mean there are 12 year olds more mature than me, okay, lets be honest, there are 5 year olds more mature than me.  There are probably a few things I can do thought to make it more age appropriate.

And yes, this was inspired by E.T, nad no other film about a boy and an alien will ever be better, not in anyone's lifetime, it is the greatest family film in the history of cinema, and I would never tread on that.

And when in the hell are you gonna put your scripts in your sig so I can read some for Christ's sake.

Anyways thanks again for the read.