Hey Blakkwolfe, I just read your short. I can't really contribute anything new, because everyone else has stated this script's minor problems.

-The cold wall description
-The ages of character's...
Etc.

But it's still a good idea, and your characters are believable as well as their dialogue. It doesn't read like it's forced. So, just a few bits and pieces here and there, and this is a great little short!

This was up my alley.  I think the love/hate thing with the script falls into a category of who-can-relate.  I do want more with the guy she kills at the beginning.  I don't have to see him.  I would just like to bring him into convo.  Could you have her complain to Alissa that if she had known the ninjas weren't here she would have toyed around some more with the sentry droid, or something?  Could you do me a small personal favor and have her shoot the radio.  Out of courtesy?

I get her.  I understand her getting instantly bored after entering the room.  I'd shoot the rat.  I'd shoot the quarter.  I'd try to find out if any of the boxes would blow up and reveal some interesting power ups.  I'm always ready for the next level.  My motto is shoot first and seek ammo later.  Maybe she'd even ask Alissa to suit up and join her.  Alissa could laugh it off and say that's not her department.

I don't want this to be a feature.  Another five minutes tops.  The story is laid out well.  No damning confusions.  Easy to read and picture in the mind.  Lots of fun, laughs, and twists.  I know I got my money's worth.  The changes I want to see are all about seeing you put it everything out there and giving some more.  It ends at the perfect spot.  I don't want to see anything after that.

Hey,

I wasn't confused about the coin thing. I was a little confused by Victoria talking out of no where around Alyssa's desk. Was she in the area? You didn't mention that. But overall all I thought this was well written.

Story wise I thought it was ok. I would have liked some more action. Some of your jokes didn't work that well for me. Overall I did enjoy the kind of self aware quality it all had. I thought that was a little different, in a nice way.

I think this is an entertaining character and I hope you continue with it.

Overall, I liked this but I think it could be improved with more action... and zombies... and hopefully eventually zombie ninjas with telekinesis. I guess we will be getting some more of that stuff in the next installment. Just remember that you can never have enough zombie ninjas with telekinesis.

sheepwalker  

Quoted from Soap Hands Just remember that you can never have enough zombie ninjas with telekinesis.

Thanks Sheep, appreciate the comments...Have a revision pending, but unfortunatly the zombie (Dave) isn't telekenetic or very bright, although I agree maybe he should be...

Gwydion, thank you also...She doesn't shoot the radio in the revision either...Got rid of the first attacker as per Cindy's suggestion and tried to do a better job establishing the setting.

I try to I find my ammo before blowing stuff up (actually, I had her gibbin' and fraggin' at one point, but I wasn't sure if people would get the DOOM reference...)

Thanks again,

Joe