hey, i just read this and took a quick glance at everyone else's comments.  i'm pretty sure all of my comments have been said, but maybe not.  this was a really good story.  really engaging, but i think the dialogue needs more work.  sometimes character's say too much, other time's i wasn't convinced it was genuine (like when jerry does an about face saying he feels sympathetic towards vincent after finding out about his daughter, or when jerry calls vincent a 'freak').  there's also the problem of why vincent comes to jerry (although you're aware of that).  one other thing i wanted to comment about was how someone said 'the less locations, the better', and i have to strongly disagree with that (unless you are shooting this and it's for budgetary reasons).  this is a movie, not a play, and we don't want to see the same location throughout.  another thing i wanted to mention was that i though the wife made her final decision a little too quickly.  i think you have a very good story here, and usually i'm more for shortening scripts, but this is heavy material and needs more space and pacing, that i think it could be stronger at around 40 pages (a few more scenes, showing us a little more details, and not having it take place in one day, like maybe it could be at night with kate coming home slightly late for dinner and we realize later that she was with the other guy or something, i dunno, i'm just spitballing)

Thanks for the read, The feedback is good.

I thought I knew where I was with this yesterday, my re-write was looking good, much tighter dialogue, a lot of fat cut off the warehouse scene but much more effective and a change to the story that while subtle actually makes much more sense. But looking at it again this morning I am not sure anymore, I know there is a story in here somewhere I am just missing a couple of good scenes at the end of act 1 and beginning of act 2.  I have decided to put it to one side for a while and not think about it (not sure if this will be days/weeks or months) and see what pops in my head when I least expect it to - I find i am trying to hard and not getting anywhere!

I will try and catch a read of yours today - I seem to have time on my hands for some strange reason - not that I am complaining!

Thanks Murphy

i'm a strong believer in the 'putting it aside' theory (provided i'm writing something else).  nothing's better than coming back to a piece a few weeks (or months) in the future and having a fresh perspective