hey, i re-read your script.  it is much shorter yet has the same effect to me, actually better effect because it didn't take as long to read it.  one small thing is i'm not sure if i completely buy the fact that he would want to use the gun laura.  i know jake comments on that, but it would seem more plausible to me if he used a knife.  although that would change your a lot of the script, so obviously that's not really an option.  i'm not sure you had this joke last time, but i dont remember it and thought it was funny, where jake says 'because i'm black i can use a gun?' or something to that effect.  all in all, it felt pretty tight (and considering that i knew where it was going, it was interesting to read it and notice the the set-ups, like comments about plastic, throwing her out on the street, etc.)  

GM,

The early scenes are cleaner than your previous story.  Cutting the clutter really speeds up the read and makes it more enjoyable, too.

However, some head scratchers remain from your first copy.

I'd drop the line on Page 1, "She is probably dead."
We see the body, we see the blood and we see the shotgun wound.  We can't see "probably dead."  She is dead.

On page 2, you have Ray speaking in clipped dialogue when he says, "Ray."  Then you have Marvin doing the same when he says "Rabbits."  Is Marvin mocking Ray?  If so, make that clear.  If not, then perhaps you can fix Marvin's words.

Take advantage of some really funny ops for dialogue. Ray wants a rifle and says to Marv, "... I was told you could help."   Come on, Murph, you can do better.  What would Mamet write?  Or Tarantino?
Ray could say he was referred by "Joe."  And Marvin can say something like, "Oh yeah, Joe the postman. He's the guy that shot up that Dairy Queen back in ‘99." And Ray could come back with a funny line of his own.
Well, you could make it funnier than that, I’m sure.

For all we know, Marvin could be the No. 1 arms dealer to America's disgruntled postal workers.  'Nuff said.

Nice touch with Ray going from the gun shop scene to the fast food joint.  Initially I was expecting a slam-bang scene with the rifle.

I like Lisa's last name.  The Pirana.

But...what does she see in Ray?  He's got his problems and she knows about these problems.  He's not much to look at and he's not swimming in $$$$$.  So what's the attraction?  
Same thing could be asked of Ray. I thought Lisa was cold, demanding and controlling.  How could Ray in his state of mind want to go from a docile sex doll to a B***h with a plastic rack and attitude?
Actually, Ray would like to feel up Lisa's plastic boobs, if she would allow it. Funny.
You might have Ray having encouraged Lisa to get silicone injections.  Maybe he's got a plastic fetish or something. If so, throws us a hint. Maybe she's decked out in a lot of plastic.

Real Spoilers *****

I'm thinking that Ray is so messed up, that he thinks he needs to shoot Laura?  Is that what he's thinking?  Then reverses his plan later??

The scene with Jake in the sex shop puzzles me a bit.
Jake talks to Ray as if he were sane, well, sort of sane.  Does he know that Ray's lady is a sex doll?
Jake is referring to Laura (I presume) when he says, "... shooting the other thing."
Seems like he knows.  Yet he indulges Ray... I dunno, maybe it's your wording that is ambiguous.
Did Jake sell Ray the Laura doll?

Maybe you can do more with the sex shop scene. Keep the part of Jake making that reference about stereotyping black guys and guns.  Then have Jake go ahead and explain how to use a rifle in three easy steps: load, lock and pull.  Or something to that effect.

Watch your grammar.  P 11...  Is sat...  should be Ray sits on the couch.

I didn't care for the way this version ended.  It seems ponderous, like it's taking too long to get to the climax.  I don't have your first draft here, but I think it had a smoother ending.
I don't think Ray going into the bedroom and attempting to shoot his lady under the covers works.  I'd rather not know if he pulled the trigger in the bedroom.
Knowing kills the suspense.

Maybe he uses a silencer on the rifle to muffle the pop.

Overall, there were more things entertaining about your story than annoying.  I think you need clarification in some areas, maybe make it clear why Lisa and Ray want to shack up.  They don't fit.  If it’s supposed to be illogical, well it’s certainly that. You do humor pretty good in some instances, but miss other scenes.  Nice job of tightening without losing your scenes.  Keep going.

Abe

Hi, Sorry i have not responded sooner, Moved home last weekend and the useless piss poor excuse for a telco I am tied into took a week to move my broadband connection. Any Aussies here will probably understand the stress of dealing with Telstra, a contender for the worst company in the world I would imagine!

Anyway, Mark thanks for re-reading, your changes do make a big difference I think and improve this script very much. I had had an email from someone who wants to produce it but we will see, i had a couple of those for my first effort and nothing seems to have come of it.

Abe from LA - Thank you very much for the read, I really appreciate it, you have given me some stuff to think about. Reading your comments has made me look at the script in a different light, whereas before I was more concerned with my writing style, grammar and descriptions etc.. As Mark will attest there was much to do. But now you have got me thinking about my story telling which is a whole other matter and It has made me look at this story very differently.

With the move and work and everything else going on I have not written anything for a couple of weeks now and need to get my head back into it, I have decided not to re-write this one again, even though I could do and utilize some of your comments I have decided instead to write something new and take the lessons I have learned so far and the advice given here and use them in a new script. That will probably give me a better idea of how I have progressed rather than try and re-write this again.

Anyway, again thanks very much for your feedback, you are all very helpful.

I feel a bit bad that I have not had much chance to read anyones work recently and will try and remedy that over this weekend.

Cheers Murphy