This script is average, leaning towards good if you work on fixing your formatting/description quirks and clean up your ending. I get what you’re trying to do with the ending, you’ve indicated towards the beginning for example that Zack has feelings towards Linda. However, either I’ve missed it or I have absolutely no idea who the intruder is, why he’s involved in this situation or anything like that. And why does Zack suddenly go psycho? The result is a swerve for the sake of a swerve, with no real thought on how it impacts the story as a whole.

Also you have changed the names from the original draft, but forgot to make the change several times in the description. I was wondering who Pizza Girl was until I read the feedback from other people. As far as formatting goes, you like to use two question marks a lot to emphasise something. I have no idea what the official rules are, but I’d personally go for a ?! or three question marks: ???.

There were a couple of instances where your description was laughable: ‘the grill side, and there, A HORRIBLE SCENE’. OMFG! Don’t forget you’re writing a screenplay, not telling a ghost story around a campfire or a story in the pub with your mates. The best way to big something up is simply by executing it, not to build it up beforehand.

As a standalone ten-page script it is a nice thriller story so this feedback may come across as harsh. However by using the suggestions in this thread and by working on the characters (they’re all quite two-dimensional to be honest), you could have yourself a solid script.

Dreamscale and Unmurdered, thank you for the read and reviews... This story has already been produced and is currenlty in post production... I hope the movie version will be more appealing than the written one. Will make sure to post it when ready.