****SPOILER****

Ahh.  I like this one a little bit more now that I was going through the posts and Jwent figured out it was a vampire bite.

That was pretty sly, Gary.  I don't think I would've caught on to that on my own.

Actually, my mind was going in a whole different direction altogether.  I was going to say that what you could do with this is to nick all the dark stuff and the fighting and the killing and make it a little more sentimental.  In the flashback, I thought that Digger was going to go bury a dead rabbit and as he touches it, it comes back to life, so that in his life now as a gravedigger, whatever bodies he goes to bury, comes back to life.  But that's just what popped into my head and thought that's the direction you were headed at first.

Quoted from grademan And doing this in 4 pages of script was a mistake

Yeah, I think for someone to really enjoy it, this one definately has to be fleshed out a little more.  You have characters that people seemed to enjoy, you just have to make the story sustain a little more.

I don't know if you ever do plan on coming back to this one at all, but definately telling more of the story would clarify a lot of things and give those of us who were stupid a little bit of a better chance at figuring out this was a vampire story.

Oh yeah, and I did see some of Cliff's heckles in people's comments.  (Deader repeated over and over, the flashback, clunky dialogue.)

I still say 'I Can Do This' was pretty clever.  Wish I had thought of doing that.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks for dusting this one off. My second effort. It’s been two years since I wrote this. I have love/hate this piece. It was so much more in my head.

Thanks for the comments.

Gary

Hi Gary i just read your script and here is my review

The dialog was really bad I'm afraid throughout the script. Like there were times where the dialog and the action didn't add up in a realistic manner.

For example.


INT. – CHURCH LIVING QUARTERS – LATER THAT NIGHT

FATHER MACK
James, please, have some food
and drink.
James picks at his food. The drink remains untouched. 5
Minutes pass in silence. James is not feeling well.

FATHER MACK (CONT”D)
Thirsty? More food? By the
way, why do you think that
God chose you to be a deader?

Now the part where Father Mack asks him does he want more food and drink isn't realistic and the reason why is because if hes nick picking at the food he already has and hasn't even touched his drink yet as you have stated then this scene doesn't make sense. I mean simple logic tells me this scene doesn't make sense and feels like it was forced.

Through 1-10 I give this a 3 man. Just re write it and don't force dialog or action but think and be realistic about it.

Thanks VP for looking at this.

I agree that the dialogue is and always will be a soft spot for me,.I have improved. (I think so) since this written.

GARY

This story seems to be really incomplete.  It's all set up and little else.  I'm not sure what the point of it is.


Phil

Gary,

You know I love offbeat stuff but this one felt incomplete to me (I've read a lot of your stuff since you wrote this, so some of my comments may not be relevant).  

I didn't really understand the rabbits and the vampire bite I didn't know until I cheated and went through your comments for some hints (I don't like to do that but I was genuinely curious).  The plus side is that you didn't directly say it was a vampire bite but I think there's definitely room in this piece to flesh it out just enough so it's a little more clear that he was bitten by a vampire.

Another thing is that with the dialogue, this did read as offbeat but with more of a comedic tone than a thrilling one.  It is kind of a comical situation and even though some of the dialogue plays into it, it felt lackluster at times.  "You fool.  Yes you buried me yesterday.  Alive!"  I dunno, it just didn't really hit the mark for me.

It's a fun concept with good possibilities and room for fleshing out, so best of luck.  And by the way, nice work on the Showdown.  My favorite of that batch.  

Greg

Gary,

This more confused me than anything else.  It felt like a scene taken out of context from a much larger story.  I think, like Greg, you could do something fun with this one, but it's just not quite there yet.

I'll be interested to read further drafts, but for now I honestly don't know what I could say that hasn't already been said.

-Matt

Phil, Greg, and Matt,

Thanks for your comments!

Basically, all three of you feel this script needs to be fleshed out to be a decent story. I agree. I’m embarrassed since I have not rewritten this in two years.
Greg, you have read a lot of my stuff, I appreciate the vote on the recent challenge.

GARY

Quoted from grademan Phil, Greg, and Matt  ....  all three of you feel this script needs to be fleshed out to be a decent story. I agree.

Quoted from rc1107 I don't know if you ever do plan on coming back to this one at all, but definately telling more of the story would clarify a lot of things

Hey, what am I?  Chopped suey?

:-)

There is another reason I'm writing and I'm sorry if I'm hi-jacking your thread, Gary, but I'm not all that computer savvy.

Quoted from Your Sig My scripts can be viewed by putting "grademan" in script search

I did that originally about a month ago (after you read 'but you can learn to play' and I was looking for something of yours.)  and my ScriptSearch isn't working AT ALL.  (It's not just your name, either.  If I put anything in, it doesn't search at all, like it's dead.)

Am I the only one having this problem?  I had to go to the search engine on the 'Unproduced Page' and the only things that came up for you were 'Deader' and 'I Can Do This', hence, the reason I only read those two instead of your newer things.

I'm not too sure if it's just me being an idiot (which is a very good possibility), or if there's actually a problem with the ScriptSearch link.

- Mark

Mark,

Sorry about that.

Anyhow, the scriptsearch works for me if I am signed in and enter grademan when I am on the portal page. I get 15 scripts. When I put in rc1107 I get 7 scripts.

Gary

Yeah, I'm signed in and if I put anything in ScriptSearch, it doesn't even try to LOAD the page.  I've typed in grademan and rc1107 and a couple other names and single-clicked and double-clicked 'Find It!' and I've hit enter, it does absolutely nothing.  Maybe it's my browser.  I'll PM bert or michael about it later, see what I'm doing wrong.