I took a look at your first page.

Page 2.

Pagination is off.

Quoted from script An empty city street illuminated by the glow of street lights on the wet asphalt.

This may seem trivial -- but it isn't -- you should avoid unnecessary repetition of words.

There are two reasons to do this. 1 - You don't want to bore the reader with dull, awkward sentences. And 2 - with respect to screenplays, you want to use as few words as possible.

If you can trim a sentence, almost cutting it in half, without loss of meaning, you should.

-- Light reflects off the asphalt of an empty city street.

Quoted from script ... while he hums it, off-key to himself.

It's redundant to tack on "to himself." If he's the only one in the car, then it's obvious that he's humming to himself.

Quoted from script He leans forward and checks left and right and sees no cars are coming towards the intersection. He looks up and sees the light is still red. He sighs and drives through the intersection and proceeds on.

The above should be rewritten. It isn't interesting. The reader doesn't want, or need, to know every action, every move, David makes.

The point of the scene, and the previous one, is that he's, at the very least, impatient. The writing, I think, should reflect this. It should be short, boom, boom, boom.

Have him GUN the light maybe.

Quoted from script David loosens the tie around his neck from his suit jacket.

Ties are almost always fastened around the neck. There's no need to add "around his neck."

-- David loosens his tie.

Quoted from script He tears the piece of paper out of the notebook and tosses the notebook into the driver's seat and slams the door shut.

Multiple problems. Repetition. Conjunctions -- The biggest problem, though, is that he hasn't, as you've written it, gotten out of the car, yet he slams the door.

Shorten it. Simplify it.

Sorry I didn't read the entire script. I have though read the reviews and it sounds like you've gotten some good advice.

Good luck.

Thanks, Seth. That's some more good info. I appreciate it. =)

-Sean

So, I guess my first question is: why didn't you just make this a feature?  There's so many unanswered questions in the end, that this piece can't simply be viewed as a short film.  I feel like you should just take all three parts and combine them into a feature, because I think it just doesn't work as a short.

Overall, the writing is fine, but I just couldn't get behind the story for one reason: Michelle.  Michelle, for me, is far too unlikable as a character and doesn't really represent a real person in any way.  David is fine, and if you found a charismatic enough character, he would be a blast to watch as he goes about his business, completely in his own domain.

Michelle, on the the other hand, just kind of grated me.  Not only did she fall for David in a unrealistically small amount of time, but she just didn't feel real to me.  Her having these left over feelings from 7th grade (and one guy) was kind of a bit much for me.  I mean, I had a lot of stuff happen to me in 7th grade, but it didn't bug me years later.  And then when she wants to lose her virginity to David?  That's just going a bit too far.

So basically, my suggestions would be to change Michelle's character a bit, make her a little more reluctant at first.  Also, I would cut down on some of the dialogue.  The story really speeds along until they start talking about rather inane things.   Once you cut this out of there you could easily make room for the rest of the story.

Sorry to seem like I'm harping on this so much, but when you have such big problems with a character, it can really effect the story negatively.  And for me, Michelle was too much of a problem, especially seeing as she was such an integral part of the story.

Quoted from dresseme So, I guess my first question is: why didn't you just make this a feature?  There's so many unanswered questions in the end, that this piece can't simply be viewed as a short film.  I feel like you should just take all three parts and combine them into a feature, because I think it just doesn't work as a short. Overall, the writing is fine, but I just couldn't get behind the story for one reason: Michelle.  Michelle, for me, is far too unlikable as a character and doesn't really represent a real person in any way.  David is fine, and if you found a charismatic enough character, he would be a blast to watch as he goes about his business, completely in his own domain. Michelle, on the the other hand, just kind of grated me.  Not only did she fall for David in a unrealistically small amount of time, but she just didn't feel real to me.  Her having these left over feelings from 7th grade (and one guy) was kind of a bit much for me.  I mean, I had a lot of stuff happen to me in 7th grade, but it didn't bug me years later.  And then when she wants to lose her virginity to David?  That's just going a bit too far. So basically, my suggestions would be to change Michelle's character a bit, make her a little more reluctant at first.  Also, I would cut down on some of the dialogue.  The story really speeds along until they start talking about rather inane things.   Once you cut this out of there you could easily make room for the rest of the story. Sorry to seem like I'm harping on this so much, but when you have such big problems with a character, it can really effect the story negatively.  And for me, Michelle was too much of a problem, especially seeing as she was such an integral part of the story.

You're not harping. You're voicing the opinion of the majority. Most don't like the David/Michelle stuff and neither do I. I just haven't had time to re-write it yet, or finish stories 2 and 3.

I'm glad you were honest, though. Lying doesn't help me write a better story. Thank you for reading, Dressel.

-Sean