I've said too much.


Phil

The descriptions cut me off. there is def room for you to cut it out. too many details.

I think the descriptions of the laboratory were a bit much.  Maybe if the dialogue took place in a regular office, it would make an easier read.  A quick brief description of a lab could be used instead.  It just seems very cluttered right now.

I agree with just about everyone who's saying your descriptions are too long. For instance, there are part in which you describe a character's expression with two or three adjectives. Find one that is the clearest and go with it.

Otherwise, I thought it was a very fun read and an engaging premise. I'd recommend giving God some sort of unique voice though. Right now the dialogue feels a little clinical.

Quoted from tgood Right now the dialogue feels a little clinical.

I wondered who you pictured in your own mind when writing these characters - was Sven you? Or were you the other guy? (Are we allowed to say things like 'lol' here??? I suspect not...).
This was saved by the ending, and I think it needed saving - like the lab, it felt sterile: cleverly crafted, maybe, but somehow wholly lacking of the deep-felt humility that some of your other work has.
I don't think you descriptions were necessarily long, they just lacked some warmth or equivalent that could draw us in and engage us.
There were some odd little mistakes here and there as well -
p4. (cont'd) missed
p6. (cont'd) put as (con/d)
p7. last two lines, I flet that you were thinking for the audience.
It added up to a lighter more disposable feel to the script - more careless.

I don't agree with other post about the pace of the end - the timing is bang on, and in my flawed opinion, very clever.

Simon

Quoted from dogglebe I've said too much. Phil

I just looked out the window to see if there was a blue moon. With a pig flying over it.

I like socks. They keep me feet warm and stop chaffing. I don't like chuffing chaffing. It's an utter barstard.

So. I usually agree with Da Sock. As he usually points out what needs it. He's like that.

However, like all of us, he isn't perfect. But then again, he tends to admit it. A good trait. Of good character.

Now. This isn't about Da Sock. It's about this script. But dat bit seemed relevant enuff z nuff to share.

Thing is, this script is kinda dense. And I mean dat in da good way.

Lots of info. Lotsa direction. Lots of stuff to take in.

As you may have noted I space stuff out.

I'll be leaving lotsa da white stuff blank.

Why do you do that Ren? Well, it's because the fellas who paid me in da past said thats how they wanted it. "Stop stuffing it altogether lad, space the fecker out. Ya fecking eejit." They didn't all say that. Just some of them. Nuff said on that.

Gormenghast. Saw that. Read it too. Alf Garnett has changed, hasn't he? Auld Warren was very different in that. It was fascinating to watch. Kinda lost its way on telly but, I enjoyed it. Been a while since I saw. I may dig it out and have another look. Thank you for that.

Reading this I see a talent at work. I have no idea who you are but there seems to be some skill here. I suspect that you will improve soon. If you stick around these boards I would hazard a guess you definitely will.

Other folks have pointed out some relevant stuff here. I won't be repeating it as that would be dull for everyone.

I will say this: I'll be watching for your posts and your writing to appear. I'll comment on the ones I like. I'd be a great believer in what my mother taught me "If you can't say anything nice say nothing." I do wish I could keep to that advice. Alcohol can ruin good men. Sometimes.

Keep cooking kid,

Peace n love and all that stuff. Not enuff about these days it seems.

R x