I enjoyed reading this.

I'm not quite as enamoured with it as the others I don't think, but it was a really good effort.

My complaints:

I never really got the impression of desperation. Eg the young "soldiers" are killed and stripped naked...but that's it. There weren't rebels roasting them, or even eating them raw like savages. Plus the soldiers were having a good time by the looks of it.

Similarily, the couple who come to take the baby. They are almost civil. Sure they want to eat the child, but they don't even try to slit the throat of Kaleb or whatever.

For an apocalyptic world that's all too much for our hero to take, it all seemed a bit tame. Maybe I'm just desensitized.

There's a great air of doom that comes through the style of writing, not so much in what's actually happening.

As for the ending. I can live with him killing himself. I found it extremely unlikley that he would kill his only friend though, no matter how hungry he was.

Still,it was a very moving scene. I'd say you need to sell his hunger more strongly..even going so far as to see him eating dirt or whatever before he does the unthinkable.

Anyway, be nice to see what else you come up with, so stick around.

I enjoyed this alot. I did wonder about him pulling out the silencer - what about the actual gun? I also though that his state of hunger and desperation needed to be shown more - maybe not eating dirt, but grass or leaves, some undigestable but almost plausible as a food substitute. Big Thumbs up.

Eating dirt, technically "geophagy" is actually a real practice.

http://geography.about.com/cs/culturalgeography/a/geophagy.htm

Funnily enough there is "nutritional" clay to be found in the Southern United States...

Yes, well aware, not first hand mind you! Pica, is something I have heard about from several pregnant women who claimed they craved everything from coal to candles. I don't know if it's really relevant here though, as from my understanding there is no physical or psychological compulsion to actaully eat dirt, rather a cultural one. Anyway, it was a good suggestion.

Wow, I forgot this was my script when I saw the title. Haha.

@ scartissue: Trying to eat dirt is actually a brilliant idea. (I've heard of starving children in Haiti do so by my mother, whom is Haitian) I'm glad you mentioned that you didn't really understand the urgency for food. I'm going to have to add that in. Thanks for the suggestion.

With your other questions and concerns, I always wanted the reader to fill it in themselves. I purposely don't tell you what is going on and how everyone else acts. I just give a dose. An example: Since the "soldiers" didn't kill Kaleb or take his dog, I'm giving you a sense that not everyone is a ruthless cannibal.

Jack didn't slit Kalebs throat because he was trying to be get out as quiet as possible.  Jack didn't want to wake the Pit. I know I don't say that, but if you read the entire scene, then think about Jack trying to kill Kaleb,  it just wouldn't work out too well for him. Jack already worked out that scenario in his his head. I just didn't show the audience that.

The soldiers were kids. Get a group of them with guns, they think they're invincible. To their knowledge they are, because they are still alive.  

Thanks for your review, and I do have more work. Check out "Z Relief" it's a "horror"  ...I guess.

@badbaz. When you say silencer, does it not mean the entire gun? I know you slip the silencer on, but after it's attached I thought, for short, you call the entire thing a "silencer" Now you have me confused...

Pica is slightly different to what I'm on about..it's a desire for inappropriate objects and material IE things that have no actual nutritional value.

Clay can actually have nutritional quality eg  phosphorus, potassium, magnesium, copper, zinc, manganese, and iron.

Such clay can be found in Northern California and the South of the US.

It's historically accurate that slaves did it, and also that poor whites in the South did it:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geophagy

That being said, as Socrates said about story-telling:

A plausible impossibility>implausible possibility.

It may be the case that so few people know that, that they wouldn't understand what was going on without dragging in some clunky and out of place exposition.

I just mentioned it because the kid is unusually intelligent and it's clear that there is almost no food left at all...even beetles are hard to find.

It has also been used in films before..most recently Lars van Triers "Manderlay".

Hello Jean Pierre,

Thanks for uploading your script, it was a pleasure to read.
You successfully create a post apocalyptic feel with efficiency.
I dig the sense of dread that permeates your story.

What I don't care for is the clunky action description that muddles your narrative.
I came to a dead stop on page three when I hit a trio of bumps:

Kaleb's stomach fights with him. He takes a sip of his
canteen then stares at the wailing child. Eliza whimpers.

How does one fight with his own stomach?
You take a sip from a canteen, not of it.


Her eyes punch open. Kaleb whips out his pistol and lets
off a shot, missing JACK's, 30s, stringy wet hair by inches.

I don't understand what you mean by eyes punching open. Sounds painful.
Outside of stuff like that, I thikn you have a good command of atmosphere.

Thanks for letting me read your work!

Regards,
E.D.

Second scene I didn't know Kaleb was there until he calmed his dog.

Smoke puffs out of the engine...

What engine?... is the first thing I think of.

Open on the same truck and then let smoke puff out and let me know the rig is blown to shit and Kalen knows his stuff. This is an I told you so scene. I'm thinking you wanted a shot of the smoke first, then pull out to the truck. But it's a bit confusing the way you write it. I have to stop and go...what? Like when the mutt is first, right after a scene where Kaleb is alone. If the mutt was in the first scene, I'd be tied to the mutt before I saw him alone and I'd be connected to Kaleb already. But since you didn't show the mutt first, I don't know it exists. So it's a disconnect, ever so slightly, that I have to stop and reorient myself to. I have to reorient myself because you introduced a character (dog) that I don't know and then Kaleb pets it. Then I get reoriented. Here's the summary, I see a dog, it's doing it's thing, then Kaleb comforts it, and I think, oh Kaleb is here too? Oh, okay. Moving on. The part where I think oh, Kaleb is here, too? That is the disconnect.

He breaks out a 9mm silencer. How about he breaks out a silenced 9mm pistol? Yeah, might be a pick to you, but a nine mm silencer goes on the end of a nine mm weapon. All Kaleb is going to do with a nine mm silencer is throw it at the enemy.

Kaleb puts a dog whistle to his lips. He eyes the dark bushes
and towering trees as he embraces his returning companion.
EXT. SPIKE MOUNTAIN - EVENING
Strands of sun spill through the leaves. The woods are quiet.
With his trigger finger still on edge, Kaleb glares forward.

What is with the evening cut?

He's had his finger on the trigger for how long? The baby is still crying? No. Continue with one scene. Or make it clear why you have a time cut.

EXT. SPIKE MOUNTAIN - CAVE - NIGHT
Moonlight soaks the cave in a serene blue. The fire has
gone out. Kaleb sleeps. Eliza snores in a dark corner.
Her eyes punch open. Kaleb whips out his pistol and lets
off a shot, missing JACK's, 30s, stringy wet hair by inches.
In one hand is Kaleb's belongings. In the other... the baby.

In who's hand are Kaleb's belongings? In who's hands the baby?

Can I figure it out afterwards? Sure I can. But that's what your problem is, I'm always figuring it out afterwards. I like your writing style, but the disconnects are disconcerting. Too many pauses. If you took out the cryptic mystery, this would read like silk and maybe be really interesting, instead of just interesting.

And I don't know, but I'm thinking the dog would have woken up at the first hint of a sound long before Jack got even close.

Reminds me of A BOY AND HIS DOG. Different turn out, though.

Interesting, but how does a guy who blow his brains out narrate after he is dead?

@badbaz. When you say silencer, does it not mean the entire gun? I know you slip the silencer on, but after it's attached I thought, for short, you call the entire thing a "silencer" Now you have me confused...[/quote]

Nope. A silencer is a totally seperate part of a gun, be it a rifle or handgun, and has to be screwed onto a prethreaded barrel. I have never heard of anyone refer to a complete handgun by itself as a silencer or a handgun with a silencer attached as a silencer! I could be wrong of course, but I have been shooting for 16 years. Didn't mean to add any confusion!

Jean-Pierre

I'm definitely a fan of your work after reading this and "Z Relief". You have a great knack for creating vivid, bleak dystopian worlds. There are obvious comparisons to The Road here but you gleaned your own tragic/horror story from a similar backdrop. An incredible amount of emotional depth and character arc is crammed into these 7 pages, well done.

As Clorox has highlighted above, some of your prose is confusing and poorly worded at times but the story and dialogue more then compensates for it in my books.

Poor Kaleb, the guy never caught a break did he, imminent death all around him. From his young age, to the barren surroundings, to trying to protect the baby from hungry "parents" and the famished Eliza to his own dwindling sanity, the odds were really stacked against him. You painted him as a genuinely good person disillusioned and hardened by a tough, unforgiving world. And while I completely felt for him, was emotionally engaged in his plight and liked the complementing voiceovers (the repetition of the last line worked brilliantly) they sounded a little too profound, mature and world weary for a 14 year old at times, to “on the nose”, you know...Of course, you could argue about what he's having to deal with is exceptional circumstance to say the least and innocence is lost early but still, would a 14 year old actually talk like that.

I loved how cocky the soldiers were at the beginning before we see them dead and naked. It really drove home the cruelness and ever present danger in the world and how Kaleb was essentially fighting against insurmountable odds.

Also his decision to eat Eliza was a critical moment, raw and heartbreaking a horrible choice to make.

You worked up to the opening scene very seamlessly and after what he been through in only the past 7 pages I could totally see where he was coming from. Like the Man's wife in The Road, I would probably take the bullet then go through that hell.

Good job.

Col.

@ Col -  I'm glad you liked it. I'll try and fix my wording. It's a work in progress, because I usually get the same comment on all my screenplays.

@ badbaz - Thanks man, now I know. I probably have "silencer" written in another script too.

@ Clorox - I tend to tell people what they see first, then tell them the scenario. It's a style that needs tweaking, obviously. I try not to do it too much, but you called me out on it and I appreciate that. I'll try and be more aware.

"what's with the evening cut?" - to show you that it's later in the day. I thought I made it clear that it was a time cut by saying "evening", "the woods are quiet" (the baby was crying before), and saying "still on edge" The word "still" implies that we have moved forward in time.  

"dog would have woken up" That's a slip up on my behalf. I added "aged pit bull" to her description in the first draft but I must have deleted it because I thought it was irrelevant. Now I remember why I added it. Thanks.  

"how does a boy narrate after he blows his brains out" In the beginning Kaleb already think this before killing himself so we already know his last words. I just paced it differently.  If that doesn't work, Kaleb could have been making this realization at any time and I decided to have the audience know what he was thinking after he was dead. And if THAT doesn't work, "American Beauty" did it. And it won an academy award, thank you very much

Thanks for the review, Clorox.

JP,

Really liked this one. Don't have much to complain about here. You created a dying world of man and didn't tell us why. Left it to the imagination. I like that.

It was heart felt. Realistic. I enjoyed the way you told it with Kalebs narration. Had a lot of problems with your new one, as you know. But this one, not at all.

I thought Eliza was going to try to eat the baby. When she listened to her owners commands, her death became even more powerful.

Good job here.

James

[quote=Jeanpierre425I tend to tell people what they see first, then tell them the scenario. It's a style that needs tweaking, obviously. I try not to do it too much, but you called me out on it and I appreciate that. I'll try and be more aware.[/quote]

Leave me guessing by mystery of the story, or suspense of the story, not how you write. So change your style. You'll write a better script for it.

Creating a post apocalyptic world and giving us a moving story within it, is no mean fete in seven pages. Sure, there are a few unanswered questions. Where was this? Why was that? Personally I was fine with them. I like the idea of making an audience think for themselves.

I really enjoyed this Jean-Pierre.

@ Clorox  Writing is in art in itself. I still need to tweak my craft, but just straight up "change your style"?  haha. Sure...

@ Malcom I'm glad you enjoyed the read. Yeah, I wanted to keep the audience out of the loop. I wanted you to know that something happened, but like you said, the specifics are up to your imagination.