Quoted from RayW Just as a general wondering supposition: I suspect the industry gravitation to "Just write the d@mn story! Let us direct it!" may be a contributing factor to why so many poor movies are made. Just a theory.

If you sell a script to a studio then only about 30%, if you're lucky, of what is shot will be your orginal script.  At least that's what I understand.  So why bother with things that aren't going to make it on the screen anyway?

On the other hand, if you are planning to sell to an independent studio.  More of script might remain but it will depend largely on the hand of the director.

In all likelihood you'll sell something this short to a novice filmmaker.  It doesn't really matter how much direction you put in because they will probably be grateful for it, easier to just jump in and shoot.

So how you approach whats in a script largley depends on the market your planning for it.   And that is also why you get conflicting comments.    

Ok.  Actually read this now.  I can honestly say I thought pgs 2 and 3 of this script were very nicely done.  Good work on the descriptions and dialogue on those two pages. If the rest of the script were like that then you'd have a great little script here - but it isn't.

My first suggestion would be to completely lose page one because otherwise it will lose readers.  Not a thing happened on that page to make me want to read on.  It was chock full of non-essential detail.  Just rid yourself of it.

Next.  Name your characters.   Named characters involve the reader and encourage the reader to read on.  Generic ones don't.

You've already heard plenty about SFX and MOS so I won't go there.   If you were using them for a valid or critical reason I might forgive them, but you aren't.  

The large chunk of dialogue on page 6 is too long and clunky.  It comes across as exposition.  Break it up and make it a bit more natural sounding or even better cut it down.  And don't use beat.

I also think you have too much dialogue about them spotting the boat.  You certainly don't need the eyes like eagle line.   This part comes across as very passive.  Try to make it more exciting and active.

Keep writing.

Michael

Hey Ray,

Compared to your WOL script, this one looks a lot better. Alas, you're still stuck in overwriting-mode. You take up a good portion of the script with descriptions of the local fauna and flora, descriptions that are really not needed. Some of them are, sure, but you should consider cutting it down to a couple of paragraphs.

The story in itself was not for me. I get what you're going for here but the characters just didn't connect with me at all and it's really the characters that have to sell it. Then there's the whole Apocalypto feel to the end. Nah.

Another thing, you still have to work on your format. The script is not unreadable by any means but there are a lot of things (mostly small stuff) that really hurt your script. One is your use of MOS. On page 5 you have a couple of MOS scenes. Why are they MOS? Is that important?

I mentioned your tendency to overwrite. Look at this sentence: "The oldest sons non-verbally nod acknowledgment to each other". A nod is usual both non-verbal and a sign of acknowledgment so when you take out the stuff that goes with out saying you're basically left with: "The oldest sons nod to each other". And since the oldest sons are the only sons in the scene - you could just write: "The sons nod to each other" and thereby cut the sentence down to half. Scripts should be lean and green…I mean white.

Ray, I don't know if you're just getting into this whole screenwriting thing but if you are, there a several books about spec writing out there you can check out.

Anyway, hope this helps.

Cheers
Rob