SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 3rd, 2025, 10:36pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.

NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressed written permission of the author.

New to SimplyScripts? - Tell us about yourself! | How does this discussion board work? - FAQs! | Submit Your Script
The answer to: Who wrote what script in the June 2025 One Week Challenge? <- click back there


The July 2025 One Week Challenge comes, soon.

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
Short Script of the Day | Featured Shorts Available for Production | Guidelines and Censorship | Produced Script Database | Oscar Winning Screenplays through the Ages | WGA Top 101 Screenplays

Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›   Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 20 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author      (currently 2614 views)
Don
Posted: September 21st, 2010, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
17354
Posts Per Day
1.94
Cleanup Crew by Darren J Seeley - Short, Horror, Dark Comedy - In an unoccupied room, three present day hotel employees have to follow a strict set of rules and a ticking clock as they clean up a tub filled with blood, under the supervision of a phantom detective who died in the 1940's. 13 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 31st, 2010, 3:10pm
revised script
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1518
Posts Per Day
0.28



Lost in the shuffle;
the joker in the deck.

The need of the hustle
so you wouldn't forget


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 1 -
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1518
Posts Per Day
0.28

Quoted from screenrider
Darren,

I'm guessing you may have uploaded a wrong version here.  The ending just drops off.   Incomplete.



I had a look and I was in shock. Seems I forgot the FADE OUT in this copy. I'll resubmit it. Hopefully it'll be updated in the new batch.
I wouldn't have noticed it! Thanks!




"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 2 -
Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 27th, 2010, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2739
Posts Per Day
0.51
Hey Darren,

Thanks for posting this script. I enjoyed the read.
The ending drops off for me too, just an FYI.
I like the flow of your story. I felt the decor could use a bit more description.
I don't know why but I kept expecting the decor in the bathroom to be vintage.
The script works, I just want more, so, that's a compliment, I think. =p
At times, it feels like an opening to a bigger story. I hope someday you write it.
Clean dialog, nothing on the nose or cheesy, kudos mate!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 -
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 27th, 2010, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1518
Posts Per Day
0.28
Thanks for the read, Electric.
The lack of FADE OUT at the end has been corrected; it will show up in the next update, as well as some other things of mine.

Glad you enjoyed it.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 4 -
Dreamscale
Posted: October 29th, 2010, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


It's all about the rum

Location
Arizon
Posts
11699
Posts Per Day
131.07
Hey Darren, gave this a read.

I didn't take notes, but noticed alot of mistakes...missing commas, really awkward sentences, typos, incorrect verb tense, and some other stuff along those lines.

The font you're using looks odd to me...especially the page numbers (and you don't want to number page 1, actually).

Why do you have periods in your Slugs?

Very dialogue heavy script here...too heavy for me.  IMO, it didn't really go anywhere, either, and the huge dialogue blocks don't look good or read well.

Biggest issue for me though, is the story itself.  I don't get it...at all.  Not only don't I get it, but it's just dull and silly, IMO.  Maybe I'm missing something, I don't know, but this does not work for me, sorry to say.

Take care.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 -
13thChamber
Posted: August 27th, 2011, 8:33am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
88
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hey Darren

Just got done reading this one, and the story for me became kind of confusing. I'm not the biggest supernatural fan, but I wanted to understand what was happening but couldnt completely grasp it.

It read nicely and smoothly for me. A few errors here and there but nothing too bad. Felt that 13 pages was a perfect length.

The characters were  okay at best, your best one is Sam (possibly reference to Humphrey Bogart's Sam Spade from the Maltese Falcon?) everyone else was meh for me.

This is just a quick response I'll give more in-depth feedback when I have more time.

Later on...


13th
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 -
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on
Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006