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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›   Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 21st, 2010, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cleanup Crew by Darren J Seeley - Short, Horror, Dark Comedy - In an unoccupied room, three present day hotel employees have to follow a strict set of rules and a ticking clock as they clean up a tub filled with blood, under the supervision of a phantom detective who died in the 1940's. 13 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 31st, 2010, 2:10pm
revised script
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Lost in the shuffle;
the joker in the deck.

The need of the hustle
so you wouldn't forget


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from screenrider
Darren,

I'm guessing you may have uploaded a wrong version here.  The ending just drops off.   Incomplete.



I had a look and I was in shock. Seems I forgot the FADE OUT in this copy. I'll resubmit it. Hopefully it'll be updated in the new batch.
I wouldn't have noticed it! Thanks!




"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 27th, 2010, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Hey Darren,

Thanks for posting this script. I enjoyed the read.
The ending drops off for me too, just an FYI.
I like the flow of your story. I felt the decor could use a bit more description.
I don't know why but I kept expecting the decor in the bathroom to be vintage.
The script works, I just want more, so, that's a compliment, I think. =p
At times, it feels like an opening to a bigger story. I hope someday you write it.
Clean dialog, nothing on the nose or cheesy, kudos mate!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 27th, 2010, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Electric.
The lack of FADE OUT at the end has been corrected; it will show up in the next update, as well as some other things of mine.

Glad you enjoyed it.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 29th, 2010, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Hey Darren, gave this a read.

I didn't take notes, but noticed alot of mistakes...missing commas, really awkward sentences, typos, incorrect verb tense, and some other stuff along those lines.

The font you're using looks odd to me...especially the page numbers (and you don't want to number page 1, actually).

Why do you have periods in your Slugs?

Very dialogue heavy script here...too heavy for me.  IMO, it didn't really go anywhere, either, and the huge dialogue blocks don't look good or read well.

Biggest issue for me though, is the story itself.  I don't get it...at all.  Not only don't I get it, but it's just dull and silly, IMO.  Maybe I'm missing something, I don't know, but this does not work for me, sorry to say.

Take care.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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13thChamber
Posted: August 27th, 2011, 7:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren

Just got done reading this one, and the story for me became kind of confusing. I'm not the biggest supernatural fan, but I wanted to understand what was happening but couldnt completely grasp it.

It read nicely and smoothly for me. A few errors here and there but nothing too bad. Felt that 13 pages was a perfect length.

The characters were  okay at best, your best one is Sam (possibly reference to Humphrey Bogart's Sam Spade from the Maltese Falcon?) everyone else was meh for me.

This is just a quick response I'll give more in-depth feedback when I have more time.

Later on...


13th
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