You have decided to aim for some very serious themes here, and I applaud you for that.  However, I think there is a huge and personal story in this that you have missed.  These characters and themes could fill a feature if used properly.  It would be a strong, political and moving film.  However, over 3 pages it just feels shallow and preachy.

See 'Sympathy for the Devil' by me for a similar example.  Flesh out everything.

Jayrex,

Short short and sweet, glad you liked it.

Gary

Mike1322,

I liked the combat scene also. Glad you liked the imagery in my little exercise.

Gary

Hey K,

Thanks for the sound advice, I have to work on fleshing things out esp, characters.

Gary

Hi Gary,

First off, I thought this was very well written, so kudos for that.

As far as it needing more, well that's a tough call, because I kind of see it both ways and am a bit conflicted about it myself, so I'm not sure how much help this is going to be.

On the one hand, I like the "short and sweet" aspect of it.  I like the idea of getting in, and getting out quickly.  In doing so, there is less of a chance for mucking things up.  So in that regard, I think this works as is.  On the other hand, the theme tends to cry out for more.

It's a very interesting concept that is rife with conflict, and this is where you might get into trouble as far as people wanting more. I happen to be a political person, who doesn't mind a good argument, so I have my own ideas about this kind of thing. For instance, while I may be a bit biased, my initial reaction was to wonder Shatha did as a mother that led her son to this place.  I mean I understand the whole concept here that there are young people dying on both sides, but are there "innocents" dying on both sides?  Is there a right, or wrong, here?

Now this may not have been your objective, but speaking just for this reader, these are some of the things taht popped into my head.

In any event, I applaud you for getting me thinking about a 3 page script.  Nicely done, and best of luck.

Craig

P.S. with regard to "lets his breath out and squeezes." - I'm a NY boy who knows next to nothing about guns, but I always thought that you pulled the trigger when you held your breath to ensure accuracy.  Or is it the other way around?

Craiger6,

Thanks for the review. This was something I wrote for emotion not polictics but I can see where it could be melded together. Interesting thinking there Craiger6.

As for sharpshooting, I always thought when you exhaled your body was more relaxed than if you held your breath. Don't know where I picked that up cause I not a gun person.

I just googled it, and the consensus appears to be inhale and let half out. So we're both right?

Gary