All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
I've been looking forward to reading this. Story-wise it was probably one of the strangest stories I've read in a long while. On the downside it seemed somewhat poorly executed. I'm willing to bet you wrote it in a rush.
When I first saw your one-sheet I envisioned a Donnie Darko meets Ben kinda premise. That wasn't entirely case. Nevertheless it was an interesting read. Creepy. I'm not gonna point out format flaws as that is not my strong point. Besides, you're a good enough writer -- I'm sure you'll spot the flaws.
In closing, I think you've got a super creative concept here, that if fleshed it out and given more thought, could make for a very original full-length feature.
To be honest, I didn't even get this story. It seemed very unfocussed. I expected more of an insanity theme and, instead, I got teen angst. The story really didn't go anywhere for and, at this length, it should've gone far. Especially when insanity plays a part.
You need to better develop your characters. Everyone sounded alike to me, after a while.
I gotta start off by saying that I queued up a John Carpenter podcast remix for this. Then I start reading and saw the name of your high school. Coincidence? Hmmm.
Anyway, congrats on completing this script. I think this first draft holds much promise. I dig Mallory, but I want to be enveloped in her insanity. I feel like an outsider right now and it got frustrating pretty fast. Your concept and imagery are on target, but your plot leaves me wanting. The supporting characters don't seem to be be too clued into her. I'd like the scene with Principal Omaha (OMG! Great name!) to be more revealing. I think seeing how Mallory deals with authority in the school could be fun.
Here's a few scene specific notes...
p. 2 Bill smells her blond hair? I thought Mallory's hair is red. p. 5 I'm a little unclear about the drugs and groin thing. More specific maybe? p. 25 Do you mean Pall Mall cigs? The spelling threw me. p. 27 Aaron Aries. Hmmm, sounds familiar. OWC script much? Cheeky!
I look forward to seeing this story develop. Thanks for the post!
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
I actually wrote this first draft before the recent OWC. The name 'Aaron Aries' was fresh in my mind, and he was mentioned here and not seen. So I named one character in 'Pumpkinseeds' that same name, although a different character.
It is coincidence, however, that a good bit of the script takes place in an abandoned house (and what happens offscreen).
Blond? Red? That's folks being delusional and they think it's blond but it's r...awwww you caught me! LOL