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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›   Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 29th, 2010, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mallory's Friend by Darren J Seeley - Short, gothic romantic-horror - Advice from her pet caterpillar on how to win a boy's heart proves invaluable to a delusional teen. 32 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  October 30th, 2010, 12:18pm
inventing genres....
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screenrider
Posted: October 30th, 2010, 12:41am Report to Moderator
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Darren,

I've been looking forward to reading this.   Story-wise it was probably one of the strangest stories I've read in a long while.    On the downside it seemed somewhat poorly executed.   I'm willing to bet you wrote it in a rush.

When I first saw your one-sheet I envisioned a Donnie Darko meets Ben kinda premise.   That wasn't entirely case.  Nevertheless it was an interesting read.  Creepy.  I'm not gonna point out format flaws as that is not my strong point.   Besides, you're a good enough writer -- I'm sure you'll spot the flaws.  

In closing, I think you've got a super creative concept here, that if fleshed it out and given more thought, could make for a very original full-length feature.  

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bert  -  October 30th, 2010, 1:40am
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 30th, 2010, 1:26am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Screenrider. and no, it wasn't rushed. It is a first draft though. You know how some of those things can be.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 30th, 2010, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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Notice





Quoted from Don
Short, Romance




When I submitted I listed it as "short, gothic romantic- horror"


I just wanted to clear that up. Thanks.


[bert's edit:  Inventing genres, are we?  No need to shout in red. In fact, requests by PM get noticed and handled quicker.  Don's a busy man, but I've fixed it up]


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

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bert  -  October 30th, 2010, 12:21pm
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dogglebe
Posted: October 30th, 2010, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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To be honest, I didn't even get this story.  It seemed very unfocussed.  I expected more of an insanity theme and, instead, I got teen angst.  The story really didn't go anywhere for and, at this length, it should've gone far.  Especially when insanity plays a part.

You need to better develop your characters.  Everyone sounded alike to me, after a while.


Phil
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 3rd, 2010, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Darren,

I gotta start off by saying that I queued up a John Carpenter podcast remix for this.
Then I start reading and saw the name of your high school. Coincidence? Hmmm.

Anyway, congrats on completing this script.
I think this first draft holds much promise.
I dig Mallory, but I want to be enveloped in her insanity.
I feel like an outsider right now and it got frustrating pretty fast.
Your concept and imagery are on target, but your plot leaves me wanting.
The supporting characters don't seem to be be too clued into her.
I'd like the scene with Principal Omaha (OMG! Great name!) to be more revealing.
I think seeing how Mallory deals with authority in the school could be fun.

Here's a few scene specific notes...

p. 2 Bill smells her blond hair? I thought Mallory's hair is red.
p. 5 I'm a little unclear about the drugs and groin thing. More specific maybe?
p. 25 Do you mean Pall Mall cigs? The spelling threw me.
p. 27 Aaron Aries. Hmmm, sounds familiar. OWC script much? Cheeky!

I look forward to seeing this story develop. Thanks for the post!

Regards,
E.D.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: November 3rd, 2010, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Darren,
.
p. 27 Aaron Aries. Hmmm, sounds familiar. OWC script much? Cheeky!


It's not coincidence.

I actually wrote this first draft before the recent OWC. The name 'Aaron Aries' was fresh in my mind, and he was mentioned here and not seen. So I named one character in 'Pumpkinseeds' that same name, although a different character.

It is coincidence, however, that a good bit of the script takes place in an abandoned house  (and what happens offscreen).

Blond? Red?  That's folks being delusional and they think it's blond but it's r...awwww you caught me! LOL

Thanks for the read ED.




"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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