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Don
Posted: November 3rd, 2010, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Mystery of Mister Y by Darren J Seeley - Short, Thriller - In the early 70's, a young newlywed couple have a night of passion in a hotel room, only to be woken up by a deranged intruder who calls himself Mister Y. 10 pages - pdf, format


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MicrowaveKane
Posted: November 3rd, 2010, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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Dale Cooper and Diane...  The Owls are not what they seem...  And so, apparently, is Mister Y.

Maybe I am dense, but I don't get the point you are trying to make.  I think you put too much mystery into his motives.  If he is in two rooms at once, that would imply a spirit or other supernatural thing going on...  but why he is doing this is more unclear than it needs to be.  The ear seems out of place in the story...  Unless I am just missing the mark completely...

Can you clarify what is going on for me?
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: November 3rd, 2010, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
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Micro, Mister Y isn't a ghost. He goes into an empty room, places a gutted out Gideon's bible with the ear within the pages. He then breaks in at a later time to scare those in the room.


Quoted from MircrowaveKane

Dale Cooper and Diane...  The Owls are not what they seem...  And so, apparently, is Mister Y.


You are the first person I know of that got the Twin Peaks reference. Surprisingly, you forgotten about ...no, iI won't tell you that. I'm not a spoilsport.


Thanks gor the read.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Ledbetter
Posted: November 3rd, 2010, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Darren,

You had something going up until about page 5. Your writing was really something to admire. Very clean and descriptive.

Then it seemed the wheels came off IMO.

The sudden massive amount of dialog out of nowhere seemed to conpletly take me out of it for some reason.

I have a freiend who was once broken into while he was asleep with his wife. The man after robbing them, gently woke them only to tell them both he could have killed them but did not.

When my friend told me this, it freaked me out at the calmness of the intruder. But what I remember was how the intruder used VERY few words to tell him, I could have had you A$$ but didn't.

This should go one of two ways IMO. Shorten it and give the limited amount of dialoge it deserves, of take it much longer but still back down on that one scene. After all, it is the heartbeat of the script.

I can't stress to you how the first part flowed like butter, then it seems you got back to it with a differient mindset.

Happens to all of us though. All in all, great first part. Polish it and this could be very decent my friend.

Shawn.....><
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khamanna
Posted: November 4th, 2010, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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Hi Darren,

I liked the opening. It was a bit long, about 4 pages but I still liked it. Then the POV switched to Mister Y.

At the end I thought "I don't really understand what Mister Y was trying to tell them" and "why he would be trying to rob another hotel room". Also why when the clock goes to 3 am?

It's also a bit unbelievable that they did not wake up as soon as he taped them.

There was grand focus on her legs - thought it was leading to something, but it's not.

In the middle there his speech got really funny. Don't think that's funny is what you are shooting for. But I also don't know if it's me alone who thinks it's funny. --it's when Mister Y talks about that twenty that he did not take - sounds like a crazy person.

Mistery of Mister Y - Mister Y is a "mistery" same word minus the Y --why?

Overall I think all you need is just a bit of clarification. It's paced very well and I think a small rewrite will do it. There's a point in there, I just couldn't get it.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 5th, 2010, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Darren,

Another atmospheric read from you, kudos.
I got the Twin Peaks dealy, looked for more, but didn't find any.
The prolonged taping sequence did not work for me.
Clear packing tape is weak and sticky, I did not believe they would sleep through that.
Perhaps if they had been drinking more, I could see it.
Personally, I prefer economy there, something like.....
Mister Y's hand hovers over her thigh, he hums "When the Saints", couple wakens.
Bam! Already bound and gagged. Now Mister Y scares me with his mad skills.
Perhaps I'm off base, but that strikes me as much more formidable?
On page 9, it reads, Dale gets his other hand free.
Did I miss somewhere earlier where he managed to free one hand?
Damn, I must be slipping.

There were a few points where the overwritten description derailed my reading.
Examples:
p. 8 On sight of the horror, Diane screams, but because of
the tape, the scream is muted.

p. 6 Dale and Diana nod yes. Mister Y holds up Dale's wallet
so Dale can see it. Once Dale does, Mister Y discards
it like tossing a pebble across a pond.

To me, these read super clunky and yank me out of your good story.

I only nitpick because I like a lot of what you wrote.
I want to know more about this intriguing MisterY. =p

Regards,
E.D.


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James McClung
Posted: November 6th, 2010, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Think you may have written something review-proof. There's so much left in the dark but you know that and you want us to know that so I really can't get on your case for clarity. Honestly, I'm not sure what to make of your decision to withhold information. On the one hand, I like the freedom it leaves for the reader to interpret. At the same time, I'm not sure there's enough substance for the reader to interpret that this story was about anything at all. But for all I know it could be.

So I'll just ask you flat out seeing as this is a discussion board. Is there a meaning to all this? Or would you prefer not to answer any questions about what it all means. I haven't seen Twin Peaks so I have absolutely zero sense of direction.

I will say the dialogue feels forced and cliche. Maybe that's just my taste but that's what I felt. I also didn't get why they were singing "When The Saints..." Even without purpose, it didn't resonate in any way. It just seemed silly. Especially if they're making love simultaneously. Is this the Twin Peaks bit or what?

The mystery intrigues me as much as it confounds me. But I think the problem here is that you focused too much on there actually being mystery than giving the reader something to play with. Other than the ear and the Bible verse, that is. That's something, for sure.

Meh. I don't know. This was okay, I guess?


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DarrenJamesSeeley
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Quoted from James McClung


So I'll just ask you flat out seeing as this is a discussion board. Is there a meaning to all this? Or would you prefer not to answer any questions about what it all means. I haven't seen Twin Peaks so I have absolutely zero sense of direction.



Thanks for the read, James.
The names "Dale and Diane" are the only "Twin Peaks" reference. The ear also is a slight nod to David Lynch ("Blue Velvet") but that's as far as it goes. (Just to be clear: I didn't borrow any scenes or characters from the show and film. It is simply a name-different characters and some poor soul is missing an ear)

Review proof? There is no such thing.

And no, I don't need to explain it.  




"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 6th, 2010, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hey Darren, you are quite the prolific writer I see.  I have a feeling you’ve already written the vast majority of these scripts and are just now posting everything.  Who knows though?

Hey, listen, I’ve read and commented on several of your scripts, and you’ve yet to acknowledge me for some reason.  I’ll give it 1 more go and see if you respond.

It’s a rainy, crappy Saturday here, and I had some time to kill, so I decided to go a bit deeper with this script, as I saw plenty of mistakes jumping out immediately.  You seem like a decent writer, so I just wanted to point a few things out to help.  Hope you take it all in that vein.

I took page by page notes, which will follow.  I’ll give you my general thoughts first.

This didn’t work for me at all.  There just isn’t any story or even characters here, IMO.  It’s a random event that goes nowhere and in the end, means nothing.  Very little of significance happens.  No one dies, no one is hurt…kinda like no harm, no foul, or just nothing.

This is chock full of randomness.  Normally, I actually really enjoy random details, as, IMO, they add to the characters, or actually give them “character”.  They also show that the writer is thinking outside the box, or at least, just thinking, and that’s a good thing.  They don’t work here though, but I think it’s more based on the lack of story than the random details themselves.

The amount of dialogue from our mysterious Mister Y is over the top and really detracts from the sinister feel you were most likely after.  Sometimes, less is more, and in this case, it can only help if you remove the majority of his meaningless and cheesy lines.

As I said up above, I have a feeling you’re throwing out a bunch of old scripts you’ve written over the years, and I’d bet this is an early one.  The writing is not good.  There are so many examples of extremely awkward phrasing going on.  Lots of over-writing and repetition as well.  Poorly written Slugs everywhere.  Just a tough read for me all in all.

You’ve got just over 8 pages here, but in reality, I bet this could/should be a 5 page script at the most.  There’s just very little actually taking place, other than dialogue.  I’m all for talky scripts with meaningless banter.  I really am, but there needs to be a payoff for the banter, and there’s not one here.

It’s a creepy concept that could work with a lot of revisions/edits/cuts/etc.  It actually has shades of Gerald’s Game by Stephen King, all the way down to the being tied to the bed stuff.

OK, I’m sure you’re not thrilled with my words, and I apologize if I came off as overly harsh.  It’s all meant to help, and hopefully you see exactly where I’m coming from and what I’m saying.

Page by page notes -

Page 1 – “FADE IN” goes on the left side, not the right.

You don’t want to actually number page 1.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again here.  Your font looks odd to me.

A common mistake I see over and over is using the Slug line in the first action/description line, underneath it…which is repetitive and a waste of a line, basically.

Your 3 line description of Dale and Diane is incredibly awkwardly phrased.  It’s also a big old run-on sentence.  And using actual actor’s names for a visual, IMO, is incredibly weak.

Hmmmm, then, the next line, Diane’s name changes to Diana.  Not a good start at all, Darren.

“He hums…” – Another incredibly awkwardly written line.  Also, an extra space or 2 between “sounds” and “which”.

Page 2 – I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again here – why are you using semi colons in your writing?  I’ve never seen it, and don’t like it personally.

“Stop that.”  Why is the next dialogue line on a new line?  Also, that next line sounds awful…people don’t talk like that.

No need for a new full Slug when you’re just changing the time.  Just use a mini Slug of “LATER”.

Page 3 – Again, really awkward phrasing going on.  You wrote earlier that action was taking place under silk sheets, but now, somehow, we’re seeing her fingernails scratching his back to the detailed point of seeing a “drop of blood forms over a small wound”.  Not working at all.

The humming is strange…not in a good way, sorry to say.

Page 4 – Hmmm, a “FADE TO:” transition that stays in the exact same scene again, and another full Slug, this time with “NIGHT” as the time, but we have to assume it’s actually “LATER”, right?  Again, this doesn’t work for me at all.

The passages underneath this new Slug are awkwardly written again…and downright odd, IMO.  I personally can’t stand meaningless, goofy asides, and you’ve got a few here.

The list is written very strangely with both a colon and a bunch of semi colons.  Bizarre!

So he tapes them up as they sleep and they don’t wake up?  OK…riiight…no, I don’t buy that at all.

“hands pulls” – “hands pull”

Page 5 - The stuff about the legs is odd again.  Will it go somewhere?  We’ll see.  EDIT – It didn’t go anywhere…more random details for no reason.

“closes out the curtains” – HUH?  Extremely awkward!

OK Darren, you’re killing me here, bud.  Finally, you use a mini Slug of “MOMENTS LATER”, then you go for another full Slug, and you throw in “MINUTES LATER”.  WTF?  No reason for the 2 so close to each other like this, but even worse is the “MOMENTS/MINUTES” thing, which just reads terribly.

OK, so “Mister Y” acknowledges his name…but earlier, you used an aside and wrote, “A MAN who we’ll call MISTER Y…” as your intro to him.  No need for this, obviously.  It read poorly and now we find it was a waste, as well.

Page 6 – First passage is so awkward again.  Filled with wasted words.  You used 3 lines when you probably could have gotten away with 1, or 2 max…and it would have read so much better as well.

“With panther like speed, Mister Y lashes out, swats Diane in the nose with the flashlight. She tumbles away, blinded.” – Wow, lots of issues here.  First of all, I gotta say, I just despise lines like “with panther like speed”.  Just reads so cheesy…so goofy.  The verb “swats” just doesn’t fit with the action being described.  “She tumbles away” also just doesn’t work with the action taking place.  And finally, your use of “blinded” makes zero sense.  How do we know she’s blinded?  Without her POV, this won’t get across.  Why is she blinded?  I just don’t get it, and bet it’s just an incorrect description on your part.

A “mad hornet”?  WTF is that supposed to mean?  As a visual, this doesn’t work for me at all.

The long dialogue block from Mister Y on the bottom of page 6, and top of page 7 doesn’t work, IMO.  Way too long.  Way too…odd.  Way too meaningless.

Page 7 – “Watches the reaction.” – Why wouldn’t you include a subject here?  Just makes no sense.  A single short word and the line becomes clear.  Without it, we have to assume who is watching.  Now, in this case, it may be a simple assumption, but it’s a bad habit, and it serves no purpose here at all.

Page 8 – “He then takes an object out of the bible and dangles the plastic baggie with the SEVERED HUMAN EAR in it.” – Awkward again.  Also, why use “the” in front of “plastic baggie” and “”SEVERED HUMAN EAR”?  That’s incorrect.  “a” would be the correct word to use, as we are not familiar with either, thus “the” doesn’t work.  See what I mean?

“Mister Y stuffs his gun in his bag, knife, glasses, picks up the bag.” – Incredibly awkward and just downright incorrect!  Lines like this cause the reader to stop, reread the line, etc.  You don’t want that happening.  You need to clean up lines like this, as they’re a HUGE detriment to a script.

Page 9 – Oh boy, here we go…WTF?  Using a time in a Slug doesn’t work, as it doesn’t transfer to film.  Since we see the clock switching to “3:00”, it’s also a waste.  Your description of this new hotel room doesn’t work either.  You’re simply telling us it’s a different room in the same hotel.  You could/should have described it as looking exactly like the previous room in a way that gets that point across.

This final page doesn’t work, IMO, at all.  It goes nowhere, tells us nothing, and is very confusing because you’re obviously going back in time.  Actually, this is a Flashback, but its inclusion escapes me.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Hey Darren, you are quite the prolific writer I see.  I have a feeling you’ve already written the vast majority of these scripts and are just now posting everything. .


Not true. I'm not posting everything I have written. While it is true that I have a few more coming up, I'm mostly concentrating on my short scripts on SS for the time being. But you are correct in your overall assumption. I have my reasons. Most of the time, it's just another set of eyes and opinions.

All my scripts are written in unbolded 12 point courier.  It originates on Final Draft, so it is possible that the PDF translation carries over into a "Courier Final Draft" font. That's what Word calls it anyway. (I checked) But it isn't that much different.

FADE IN flush right; page one on page one = optional and perfectly legal.


Quoted Text

Actually, this is a Flashback, but its inclusion escapes me.


That's your opinion, and I'll respect it.
(yes, you're wrong)

Thanks for the read.
-DjS



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 6th, 2010, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Thanks for the response, Darren.  Glad I didn't read and comment in vain.

I'd love to hear Balt's response to your comment about the FADE IN on the right side...

So, the last scene isn't a Flashback, meaning it's taking place in the future...again, basically.  But...what's the relevance or meaning of it all?  Is this taken from a larger script?  If not, as I said, it just doesn't have any meaning whatsoever...does it?

Take care.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
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Quoted from Dreamscale


I'd love to hear Balt's response to your comment about the FADE IN on the right side...

.


I already know what Bait would say. I forfiet two asprin to him because he'll see my defiance and get a headache :p


Quoted Text
So, the last scene isn't a Flashback, meaning it's taking place in the future...again, basically.  But...what's the relevance or meaning of it all?  Is this taken from a larger script?  If not, as I said, it just doesn't have any meaning whatsoever...does it?


Yes. It does.
He can do it again.






"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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