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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›   Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 13th, 2010, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ruby and The Lamp by Darren J Seeley (darrenjamesseeley) - Short, Comedy - A cleaning lady discovers a suitcase filled with diamonds and a genie lamp; she gets three wishes but isn't careful what she wishes for. 9 pages - pdf, format


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Thornton
Posted: November 15th, 2010, 6:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren,

Gave this a quick read. Nicely written for the most part, I thought, as I could clearly understand what was going on. Like the bit where the mist slips into the closet and suit. Like the feeling that the maid is almost delirous in excitement and then the realisation - that all has a nice feel to it. But there was some weird stuff as well: not sure why you have some of the detail in there: Cherry Aroma, classical music. And why the piece around the tightness of her outfit? What's that got to do with anything? You also start by saying empty Scotch bottles and then slip into Vodka.

SPOILERS

The story: I like the twist (although, I kinda liked the maid as well, so that was a bit of a shame!) The problem though, was the genie and lamp scenario has been done to death hasn't it? I nearly didn't read it because of the title alone - my thought process was....'Oh no, not another someone comes to realise the quick-fix promise of 3 wishes isn't how to find true happiness'. And then I thought, actually, no - maybe this story will do something completely different, maybe even outrageous. Unfortunately, it didn't - nothing particularly wrong with the story, just a rather hollow feeling of deja vu.

Sorry.
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wonkavite
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

Hey Darren -

Read this one today - and enjoyed it.  Yes, it's your basic monkey's paw story.  No surprises, but still well written and effective.

Probably my favorite bit was how the genie materialized - filling out the suit.  Nice touch - especially visually.

If I were going to gripe about anything, it's that Ruby is a little too accepting of the situation - and seems to know too much about genies in general for your average hotel maid.  (Hey, how many people out there know that genies are called Jinn?)

Thanks for the fun read!

--WV
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wonkavite
*Spoilers*

Hey Darren -

Read this one today - and enjoyed it.  Yes, it's your basic monkey's paw story.  No surprises, but still well written and effective.

Probably my favorite bit was how the genie materialized - filling out the suit.  Nice touch - especially visually.

If I were going to gripe about anything, it's that Ruby is a little too accepting of the situation - and seems to know too much about genies in general for your average hotel maid.  (Hey, how many people out there know that genies are called Jinn?)

Thanks for the fun read!

--WV


Interesting...I think a few short filmmakers and their peeps who cruise Inktip shorts visit SS on a regular basis now. I'm not saying you're one of them, but it's not a coincidence when a few folks start reading '19 Percent' and then I get a request for it. The day before, I had requests for this one and another. I don't know if these things will get made or if they do if it will be those parties. What I do know is that it seems within this month that if one of them gets an inquiry, two out of those three have been pulled up out of the SS abyss.

I'm now eager to see number three come up back into discussion here someone soon. I could be wrong and it might be another- but if---on second thought, I better zip it. Might jinx the whole thing.

I have corrected the vodka error that a few mentioned above, but haven't resubbed it here yet. Nobody but you has brought up the Jinn thing, but I think it isn't that much of a plot hole. After all, she's done her rounds picking up varied liquor bottles. In this draft, it's mostly Vodka and scotch, but there's a Gin bottle too.


Quoted Text
Genie peers at her nametag. Winks playfully.

GENIE
Ruby. I like that. Call me Gene.

RUBY
Yeah. Like Genie.

Genie nods in disapproval at the word ‘Genie’.

RUBY
You prefer…

Glances over to one of the empty bottles in her cart.

RUBY
Jinn?

GENIE
Gene will be fine.


The idea is maybe she can't recall what a genie is called, but the "gin" bottle helps her remember. Others might see it as a pun.

Thanks for the read.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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