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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›   Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 4th, 2011, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Undying Love Triangle by Darren J Seeley (darrenjamesseeley) - Short, Horror - When two vampires have an affair, a murder plot unfolds. But the over-the-hill wife isn't that easy to kill. 7 pages - pdf, format


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 6th, 2011, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren,

I take it this an expanded edition of an MP script?
Well, since I'm not a member of MP, let's dig in.

First three pages read pretty steady, but then it goes wonky on page four.
Who the heck are Anton and Ashton?

The like the idea of the love triangle.
But when the scissors came out, the exposition got pretty high.

Could be a fun dynamic to add to a failing marriage story.
One spouse gets turned into a vampire and it somehow saves the marriage.
Interesting premise you got here.

Hypothetically, cheating wife drives away breadwinner husband.
He gets turned, now she has to support the family. Fun twist.
That is more interesting to me than the "someone's gotta go" scene.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: November 6th, 2011, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Hey Darren,

I take it this an expanded edition of an MP script?
Well, since I'm not a member of MP, let's dig in.

First three pages read pretty steady, but then it goes wonky on page four.
Who the heck are Anton and Ashton?

The like the idea of the love triangle.
But when the scissors came out, the exposition got pretty high.

Could be a fun dynamic to add to a failing marriage story.
One spouse gets turned into a vampire and it somehow saves the marriage.
Interesting premise you got here.

Hypothetically, cheating wife drives away breadwinner husband.
He gets turned, now she has to support the family. Fun twist.
That is more interesting to me than the "someone's gotta go" scene.

Regards,
E.D.


It's odd- I thought I corrected the Austin - Anton thing. I don't have a clue where the Ashton thing came up. This only happened in the rewrite*, not the original MP 5 pager.
The original had a line or two where Beth spoke her thoughts aloud in the car, having almost been caught; most didn't like that, it was expendable anyway. It was also suggested she was more of a guardian-servant role rather than a vampire herself. Here I incorporated some good suggestions where she's also a vampire, although turned late.

I know Pia liked the original version though.


-* I think I know what happened there: the Anton bit was obviously a memory lapse due to revising Abracadabra about the same time. Austin-Ashton didn't show up there in that revision...but Ashton/Austin is a bit tougher to explain. I know some of the MP reviews really ticked me off a little bit...so it's possible I wasn't paying close attention to that sort of thing.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

Revision History (1 edits)
DarrenJamesSeeley  -  November 7th, 2011, 11:16am
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 7th, 2011, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley

I think I know what happened there: the Anton bit was obviously a memory lapse due to revising Abracadabra about the same time. Austin-Ashton didn't show up there in that revision...but Ashton/Austin is a bit tougher to explain. I know some of the MP reviews really ticked me off a little bit...so it's possible I wasn't paying close attention to that sort of thing.


Hey Darren,

Ah, I get it now.
It was uber confusing on the page, all those A...n names.
I like the idea of saving a failing marriage in a twisted way with vampires.
It's a good idea this triangle, might need more space to fully explore.

Why did the MP reviews tick you off?

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: November 7th, 2011, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer


Why did the MP reviews tick you off?



Some of them, not all of them.


I'll PM you on the question.
When I load up the washer, I don't dump my dirty laundry in public.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 7th, 2011, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Hey Darren,

Just started to review on MP and hoping to enter next year. Currently a level 2!! So allowed to enter in February, which is the next one I fancy. Don't think I came across your entry.

Have you entered in this months?

Had a quick read. Vampires arent my thing but the idea of a love triange with them has potential. I liked the fact that either the wife is in on this or it's not unusual. A nice reversal on what we were led to believe at the beginning. In the last scene I sensed an element of cronebergs "crash" ( I haven't seen this so don't quote me) where they get off alongside car accidents.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: November 7th, 2011, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Hey Darren,

Have you entered in this months?



No, I didn't enter the 'Six.
Thanks for you look at ULT here though.

Note: I resubbed a corrected version where the Anton- Ashton- Austin problem is cleaned up. The revision is also on MP, Talentville and Circulit.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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