Bill, thank you for the read sir.  I owe you one back, so stay tuned.

I agree with your assessment of the tramps, and that is an area of the script I'll be spending quite a bit of time developing.  Yes, a paper house isn't really worthy of a smashed bottle of whiskey (not in my house anyway), so the significance of upping the ante for that scene needs to be much much stronger.  

Thanks again!

Chris

Christopher

This is undoubtedly an interesting piece, if left unfinished. The lack of “The End” or even a “FADE OUT” after the last line suggests there is more to come. That’s ok, you’ve got my interest piqued but I'd like to see the complete work?

Anyway, the lack of an ending aside, this is an intriguing set up you have here. From the curious, 14 year old protagonist who seems to be channelling some older, mature identity unknown to us yet to the cryptic note, paper house and spooky library it’s next to impossible to second guess it and predict where it’s going to go. You’ve ambitiously combined elements of surrealism, intrigue, mathematics, philosophy and fairytale-like fantasy in under 8 pages. That’s impressive by anyone standards.

The big question now is can you develop and expand on it. Where do you go from here? What does the man flying the kite represent? How did Calvin come into possession of the note, etc.

You’ve built a solid opening here, great writing, full of mystique and Lynchian type non-sequitur and absurdity.

I want to see more...that’s the best compliment I can give you.

Some notes, observations, etc.

“Dusk sits behind a city that moves to the stop and go of a
near empty city bus. The blight of the area comes into
focus as the ride picks up pace.”

-- Superb opening to the script, wouldn’t change a word, brilliantly written, perfectly pitched.

“Looking back at us in the mirror is the BUS DRIVER, (55), who brings the bus to a slow stop.”

“We follow CALVIN WATT, (14) not big, not small, just right,
as he shoulders a unique backpack and heads for the door.”

-- I would drop any “fourth wall” references to the reader such as “we” this and that or “us”

AL
I believe my associate axed you a
question, little man.

-- I hope the “axed” spelling was intentional. If so, love it.
“Jules drops the whiskey bottle in a SMASH of glass.”

-- I’m enjoying Calvin’s wise words beyond his years but this is a bit overly dramatised as if drawing attention to how bright and mysterious this kid is. Let his dialogue speak for itself without resorting to clichéd tropes. Dropping the glass is up there with someone spitting their drink out when hearing something shocking, it’s a tad overused to say the least and lacks subtlety.

“INSERT: Handwritten note which reads, LOOK FOR THE MEAN IN
THE GOLD OF THE SUN,”

“INSERT - Library Hours Sign. Every day reads CLOSED in an
ugly font except Tuesday, which reads 6:43 pm to 7:09 pm.”

-- Personally I write inserts as new scene headings i.e. sluglines. For example:

INSERT - ITEM – TIME

Action lines underneath. When insert is completed I write on a new line:

BACK TO SCENE

I think it breaks up the description and draws attention to the item of interest so it doesn’t get lost in the prose. If you’re going to continue to write it the way you have it written, that’s fine too, just keep it consistent because in the first example you got a colon but the second has a hyphen.

“The main counter is absent anyone,”

-- Could be re-written as “The main counter is absent of anyone” or “The main counter is absent”

Col.

Col, thank you for the review, I will definitely take all of your suggestions and run with them as I work through the feature script.  

I had a chance to read Rid Of Guilt, and dude, I was BLOWN AWAY!  It was awesome.  My absolute favorite plot device is the 'up the ante' out of no where, and you did an amazing job in that script.  

I'm truly honored by your review, you're a superb writer.  Thanks again.  

Chris

hey Chris,

sorry for the delay. meant to read this some time ago, but just getting to it now. at any rate, please excuse my tardiness.

let's review as i go along. my apologies if i repeat anyone else's comments but i want to go in fresh.

p1
a bit confused but intrigued. good start.

you already introduced Jules. no need to capitalize his name twice.

p2
same thing with Al

you just won bonus points for writing "axed" instead of "ask"

Naked to the world, the men are stunned by this kid’s wisdom.
^Show, don't tell

p3
so far so good. the writing's pretty fluid. could be a little more concise IMO, but its well-written thus far.

Checking his watch, Calvin sees its 6:49 pm. Made it.
^no need for "made it"

p 5
600 months is exactly 50 years. this kid must be a math wiz.

okay so i stopped here because i became really captivated and didnt want to interrupt myself. needless to say, i actually read this twice. i think it really warrants a second read.

so i have a lot of questions concerning motives, characters, etc etc. took a look at your replies and it seems as though this is part of a bigger piece of work. which is great. and for the first time, i'll find your reasoning excusable. does this short work on its own? not really (because there are too many unanswered questions). would this work as a feature? i hope so. i really enjoyed this and i think you've got a really good idea overall. would be happy to read it when it's finished.

best of luck.

Hey Chris.

I've seen you say this is part of of a feature and I have to say I will look out for it. It's intriguing me right now so I need to see what happens next. This is obviously a good thing in a feature because you always want to leave them wanting more. But, as it's a short, it has like a few have said, no ending. I'm overlooking that though. Also, I was just wandering if this is the first ten pages? They would work for me.

It needs to be tightened up a bit, as has been pointed out already. The opening paragraph was a killer for me in particular. It read a bit awkward which made it hard for me to SEE what was happening. If I hadn't seen the good reviews and you hadn't been a contributing member, I would probably of stopped right there and then. Also the line 'A plume of heated exhaust pushes Calvin down the sidewalk' had me scratching my head. Other than that I didn't have trouble with following.

I really like Calvin. He certainly has that 'don't judge a book by it's cover' feel to him. Just wandering if that's what you were going for with the library and all? I'm a big fan of anyone who is skilled in the art of origami, so him making the house was enough to win me over. His speech that went with it certainly didn't hurt his cause either. Nice writing. Plus he's polite, I like that in anyone so I'm in his corner.

My final point is about the backpack. The word 'unique' had me wandering 'in what way'? Is it made of glass? That would be unique for sure. Right now it could mean anything... show me it's uniqueness.

Please sir, I want some more.

Cheers.

This had some really great discriptive writing and atmosphere.
I personally don't like the dreaded "we" but that's just my personal preference.
Loved the origami house and as part of a feature that scene would fit in nicely if it maybe formed the first part of a bookend? Just a thought - or am I missing what they really are; guardians of a sort?
I agree with the neverending story, pagemaster similarities, is shaping to be aimed at older children, a fantastical journey through history?
Very enjoyable, look forward to the rest of it.
Daz

Edit: Forgot to mention the librarian's dialogue was fantastic.

Will, thank you for the review sir, I'm happy you gave it a second read.  There are a lot of unanswered questions and what not, so again I do apologize for that.  There are about 15 pages of back story that takes place before this part that basically fill in all of the gaps to this point.  I'm working out the finer parts of that, and when I have the whole thing completed, I probably won't be posting it, as I think its strong enough to register and shop...  I need to catch up on some bills, so hopefully there is a decent payday with it.  That's a monster hope, but you never know.  If you or anyone else wants to keep up with it offline, I would definitely appreciate that, so just send a pm and I'll add you to the loop.

Art, thank you as well, and I'm sorry if my writing gets confusing at times.  There were a couple people put off by the 'plume' of smoke, but I've seen many a bus - and trucks - do that very thing, so I'll keep it in there for now.  Additionally, the opening has had both pro and con impressions, and I also really like it, so I'll keep that too.  Sorry!!  I'm happy you like Calvin as a character, I see him as a genius with great discipline so I'll do my best to convey that throughout the feature, as that type of attitude gets you much farther in life than snot nose punk ass, like most 14 year olds these days - including my son!  

Darrenjames, I hear you on the we stuff, and to be honest I don't know where I picked up that habit.  When I first started writing screenplays I read like 1000 pro scripts and there were quite a few that used that tactic, so I figured if Paul Haggis can do it, so can I!  Ok, so I don't have 2 Academy Awards like him...  I get it!  This is an older piece, and I assure you I don't write that way any more...  Thanks again!

Chris

Read this the other day. Couldn't make much of it, but I did like the atmoshpere. It left me intrigued. Kudos on that.

Again, though, it is just a snippet of a feature. To maintain this level of interest throughout an entire feature is a far greater challenge. You don't handle any act turns here, it is just the beginning of a boys journey. But, if you ever get it done, I will have a looksee.

James

I hadn't read your note that this was a snippet from a feature you're working on.  All the while I keot thinking it felt like a piece from something bigger.  

Quite an interesting world you've set up.  The first 8 pages definitely grabbed my interest although I think you sort of dropped us into this world.   in the end I wanted to read more.  I assume that's what you wanted to know so nice job.

You have a beautiful writing style.  Awesome descriptions, at times a bit excessive but nothing too off putting.  I do think if it were a bit leaner it would help pick up the pace.

Pg. 1 - a unique backpack? How are we supposed to picture that?  This is the only place I felt your description was lacking.  

Pg. 4 - "we're startled to hear", "our librarian".  I know this is a matter of taste but I'm one of those people who doesn't like this type of description.  Again, personal taste...it pulls me out of the character's story.  

Pg. 6/7  -  On page 6 Calvin opens a book no problem but on page 7 he needs to use 2 hands.  Maybe show that when he opens the first book?  

I really do like this world and hope you post more.  Best of luck with it!!  

Hey, Chris.

I got to say, I really enjoyed this and it if the feature follows this standard you could have a great script here.  Of course this is too short and too early to say it would be a winner but you get my drift.  You have a good protagonist and the start of an intriguing story, I just hope you have answers for all the questions you set out at the start?  I've watched some movies lately which ask many questions and then fail to answer any of them, it's like the writer had a great idea but then had no idea how to tie the lose ends together...I'm way off topic here.

For a moment when Calvin removed the paper from his backpack and made the paperhouse I had a flash of somewhere I thought the story was going but it didn't.  I guess that's down to the fact that I recently watched an old British film called 'Paperhouse'.  You probably have no idea what I'm talking about here so I'll move on.

You painted some lovely images, I especially liked the transition from Library to Field, though I'm not sure if you would need to add a new slug here at some point?

Anyway, I would love to read the remaining script, if or when you complete it; it certainly grabbed my interest.  Good stuff so far and keep it up...

Marnie, thank you for the read and the review, I appreciate both.  Think of 'unique' as a placeholder for the actual backpack.  I've not given a whole lot of thought to what exactly makes it unique, but I don't want it to be your average backpack.  When I was in the Marine Corps, the snipers we worked with all made their own back packs.  They were VERY unique in the fact that they were crafted specifically for the purpose of aiding in the killing of people...  How's that for a thought.  So I'm after the same thing, only with the purpose of 'helping' people...  if that makes sense.  

Alffy, great name and an even better avatar!  That's awesome, I seriously want to try that and show my 5 year old, I think she would dig it...  You're right on about the slug in the final scene, and I'm not sure why I didn't complete that, so thank you for pointing that out.  

I have the whole story thought out soup to nuts, and like you, I'm not a fan of unfinished business in movies - cough War Horse, cough cough...  

Chris, I saw the finger art a while ago and one bored afternoon I had a go; think it came out okay.  

I'm not sure where the slug would go though, with it being a transition from one scene to another, I guess that would be your call.

I'll keep an eye out for the finished feature and give it a read.