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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Geek - Filmed! Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Geek by Cindy L. Keller - Short - When a fifteen year old boy is unable to get any help from authorities for the bullying he's been suffering through for the past two years, he snaps and ends it himself. 4 pages - pdf, format



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Filmed by Aldrien Veon


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  December 22nd, 2020, 12:02pm
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leitskev
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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I like the ending, Cindy! Very classy touch, "I'm free" as the cops close in.

Very topical, too, so this could get a lot of looks from small producers.

I think the dialogue could be tweaked so that it sounds less on the nose. There are actually a lot of areas where this could be done with one quick polish. I suggest using this as a guideline: once we know the issue(bullying) we know what Jesse is feeling. There are some times you could get away with telling us less, because we know. Or even better, use some subtext where you use a few words to express what we know he is feeling or thinking. This is true even when he is writing.

For example. opening dialogue, you could just say:
"Dad's gonna be pissed."
Then he looks at his broken glasses.
"Gonna blow a gasket!" You might even add; "Glad I won't be here to see it", which further contributes to your attempt to make us think he is going to commit suicide.

You might consider showing the principal give the suspension, and lose the part right before where he mentions the principal.

"I wish I could see the look on the
principal's face when he finds out
what I've done."

Could just be: "I wish I could see the look on the Principal's face."

Good work, Cindy! You'll get contacts on this one for sure.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Very very very very very good work, Cindy. This really speaks to an issue that goes on everyday everywhere and for all kinds of reasons.

I'm so glad you wrote this script. I'm so glad I could read it.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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Cindy, good work. Personal too I think since it seems I remember something about one of your grandkids having some issues with this type of thing.

Bullying is a horrible thing and today that kid that filmed and outed that gay kid in college got 10 years.  This is a subject I feel very strongly about as well. Remember Old Wounds? Same thing, but takes place later in life.

Good work and could be filmed easily.

My only complaint about this script would be, how did Jesse get Curt?



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greg
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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Cindy,

Very relevant story and I like the ironic use of the note, but I didn't like the ending. The problem is that at the end of the day it's a kid killing a kid. What am I supposed to feel for Jesse at the end? I don't feel sympathy for a kid being a bully but I also don't feel sympathy for a kid who commits murder against another youth. This isn't like, say, Shaft for example where a murder victim's mother guns down the racist killer at the end (all of which were adults), but it's a kid killing another kid and IMO doesn't do justice for victims of bullying. I would have much rather preferred to see Jesse beat the crap out of Curt. You may need an extra page or two to get the same feel, but I think that's a better way for a victim to stand up for themselves rather than murder.

Also at 15, I think Curt would throw in some more colorful words between "Four Eyes" and "Fag", especially if he's violent.

So I like where your heart is for this one but as I said, the ending didn't work for me.

But nice work anyway.

Greg



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rc1107
Posted: March 23rd, 2012, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy.

I love light-hearted little tales.  :-)

Hmm.  I'm trying to make my decision on how I felt about this.  On one hand, I don't like how Jesse really isn't totally free, (at least not for the next 6 years.  And Jesse thought the bullies were bad at school)  But I confused myself, because I'm glad he stuck up for himself.  I guess I just didn't want to see it have to come to murder.  I was really hoping that Jesse would be able to work it out with his smarts, rather than fighting fire with fire.

Not that this story had to end that way.  It's a very valid ending.  I myself just wanted a more tame background, like Jesse beats him up karate-style, then still shows Curt some sort of respect at the end.

It's easy to tell you're a very strong writer, though.  I felt comfortable reading your dialogue and actions.

I'm sure someone's bound to say something about all the V.O., but I actually don't mind V.O., as long as it works with the story.  With how important it was to get inside Jesse's head in this story, I don't think there's any other option to get his thoughts into the script without using V.O.

Overall, a small little story that packs a powerful punch.  I'm glad I read it and think I'll remember it for quite a while to come.

- Mark


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nawazm11
Posted: March 23rd, 2012, 1:07am Report to Moderator
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Nice, work, Cindy. Pretty powerful for 4 pages and it can be easily filmed. Don't have much to say but I thought the ending was nicely done.

Bullying is a very serious issue but nobody notices so I'm glad you wrote this. Kind of reminded of of Felipe's entry for the OWC , which was very good in fact.

Best of Luck

Mohammad

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nawazm11  -  March 23rd, 2012, 8:24am
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CindyLKeller
Posted: March 23rd, 2012, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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Hi Kev,
I'm glad you liked the ending.   I wanted to do something totally different than what I've seen or heard about before. Something that might make the bullies stop and think of what they've been doing and what could possibly happen to them if they push someone too far.

I'm going to take your advice and tweak the dialogue. Thank you for your help.  

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: March 23rd, 2012, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.

Very very very very very good work, Cindy. This really speaks to an issue that goes on everyday everywhere and for all kinds of reasons.

I'm so glad you wrote this script. I'm so glad I could read it.

Sandra


Thank you, Sandra.  

Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: March 23rd, 2012, 8:08am Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia,

Yep, my granddaughter was getting bullied at school. There was NO HELP from the principal or teachers even though my daughter and I went to school and had meetings with the principal. My granddaughter finally fought back and SHE was the one who got in big trouble with the police.

In the script Jesse says Curt followed him home and Jesse had finally had enough and overpowered him, but Curt still got in two good licks and broke his glasses.

Thank you for the read.  

Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: March 23rd, 2012, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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Hey Greg,

Thanks for the read.  

I wanted a different ending for this one other than the bully gets beat up or the kid who is being bullied dies.

I've known a couple parents of kids who hung themselves after being bullied because they saw no way out. One poor girl put on some lipstick, kissed herself in the mirror, then hung herself in her room...

With no help from authorities, these kids feel like they are backed into a corner every day for the rest of their lives.

In my script, Jesse kept wiping tears from his face. He really didn't want to do it, but he didn't want to keep getting bullied either.

Thank you for the read,

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: March 23rd, 2012, 8:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

Thank you for the read.  

I think as long as bullies aren't held accountable for their actions, the person that they are bullying with be left with some kind of a scar that will carry over into adult life.

In this script, it had been going on for two years and no one would help him, so he took care of it himself and it looks like Jesse will be the one who pays the price for being bullied, just like they always do.

Thanks again,

Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama

Revision History (1 edits)
CindyLKeller  -  March 23rd, 2012, 8:36am
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CindyLKeller
Posted: March 23rd, 2012, 8:31am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mohammad,

Thank you for giving this a read.  

I read Felipe's OWC. In his script the kids father who had been getting bullied beat up the bully. I even told Felipe that I'd like to see something worse than the bully getting beat up, maybe tortured. (Guess you see this subject of bullying really fires me up)

In fact, it was his OWC that made me want to write my own bullying short.

But I wanted something different than the norm.

I think the subject of bullying should be slapped in teacher's and principal's faces daily until they actually do something to stop it.

Thanks again for the read,  

Cindy





Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 23rd, 2012, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy,

I enjoyed the read and for four pages, effectively with one character in one location, it packs a punch.

To be honest I won't repeat the advice given out above - all sensible stuff which could tidy the read. just one example to me was "belittlings" - not the word I would expect from a kid and one in that situation.

Nothing raises emotions quiet like an innocent victim not being looked after, treated poorly etc! So it should work well on screen.

I had one idea. It is tidier to have one outcome but I wonder what it would look like if several alternatives were rehearsed out, with the conclusion being the last scene - ie which one happened.

Hope this gets produced.

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 23rd, 2012, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Reef Dreamer


I had one idea. It is tidier to have one outcome but I wonder what it would look like if several alternatives were rehearsed out, with the conclusion being the last scene - ie which one happened.


I think this is a good idea. It might settle any disputes as to whether the ending might encourage a bullied child somewhere to do just that.

It's definitely something to consider.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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