Hey Chris,

I’ve never read your work so this is a first for me. I thought your writing was pretty good here, this flowed along at a nice pace and it had lots of white space.   A few typo’s and grammar issues but nothing that’s not easy fixable on a rewrite.

So after all the suspense of a “right out of the Saw films” beginning we learn at the end that this has more of redemption, second chance meaning and maybe that’s where you lost me.

I’m not religious and I’ve never really had an opinion on suicide, I remember about a tale in the U.K a few years back where people where getting in trouble for assisting people commit suicide in Switzerland I believe, it’s legal there or something but not in the U.K.

Anyway, although it’s a difficult subject and different to the usual short, I for one reason and another found myself disappointed for some reason. The first 4-5 pages started off great, suspenseful with a lot of mystery and then we went to the flashback and all the suspense was lost.

Then when it came back to the room, Natasha became a sex vixen wanting Billy to push a button and nothing felt right anymore.

She, like other women kept asking him to push her buttons sorry the button and I was immediately knew something was going on. The suspense totally lost now because I didn't believe either of them was in trouble anymore.

We then learn of the suicide and how it was all a test which came as a disappointment for me. I have to ask the question of such a test? He’s asked between waiting for a timer to count down or push a button which has “don’t push” written on it. It’s not much of a choice really, 50/50 and one you could easily get wrong, did it need the devil or demon to persuade him? If anything it helped in his decision not to push the button which in hindsight goes against what it wanted.

Although disappointed after such a thrilling beginning, I did enjoy the end. I liked the aspect of Billy and Claire having a happy ending. After reading previous comments I would like to mention that I think you did a good job with Claire’s dialogue near the end. It was pivotal exposition to the ending of your story here and it was always going to be hard to pull it off but I think you did okay, not great but it did its job. I know dialogue is still something I struggle with and hopefully something that will get easier over time.

These are the notes I took during the read:

P.2 Why not 1? No fade in.

P.4  “Billy ties pushing on the door.” A typo here, tries instead of ties.

P.5 A couple uses of gently here, I would mix it up.

“Billy is lost in thought.” Why not “Billy’s lost in thought” Reads better and gets rid of that nasty “is”

“INT. BILLY’S HOUSE – DINING TABLE” Why no day or night here?

“Billy is 8 years old.” Could just be “Billy, 8, sits”

P.6 “dining table” It was dinner table before? Consistency is always key for me, change one to suit the other here IMO.

Some of the dialogue could do with tweaking, read it out loud, and listen to how it sounds.

P.7 (Stern.)The parenthetical doesn’t need a period here.

“Good for nothing whore…” Why under his breath? He seems have been upfront so far?

“Todd stands up” When did he sit down?

Todd says “God” a lot.

“TIME LAPSE – ONE HOUR” No biggie but I think “LATER” would have sufficed here but it’s not like it took up any space the way you have it so yeah…don’t know why I brought it up.

P.8 “Claire has hung herself with her apron” Her apron?

“her mouth gaped ajar” I thought gaped and ajar were basically the same thing?

“Claire is naked.” Or “Claire’s naked”

“She’s written a message in red lipstick across stomach.” Missing “her” between across and stomach.

P.10 “Her other hand runs down his chest, rubs his crotch.” Now you’re talking but I’m confused as to how these two strangers have to come to this so quickly.

“Now we have to push that button!” Bloody women! So fussy, if you want to push it then go right ahead.

P.12 “Bobby pulls away from Natasha.” Another typo, Bobby instead of Billy.


P.13 “Bobby” Again with Bobby instead of Billy here.

P.15 “Billy takes a deep breath and closes his yes.” Believe this should be eyes instead of yes.

Missing apostrophe in “it’s”

“FOOT FALLS” Should be one word I believe and also footsteps would be better here IMO.

P.16 You are a monster! You’re would sound better here.

Overall this is a solid effort and I liked it on the whole. Although I was a bit disappointed with the change of direction in the story, it had a happy ending and let’s be honest…we all like those.

Good job.

Steve.

well im glad the ending worked for you... and that you were good with the monologue. as i said i'm still not satisfied it.

Natasha was a devil character there to coherce and seduce Billy to press the button... if that happens... Billy goes to hell... and Natasha wins her prize.

the way i wrote it didnt work. i had trouble executing it when writting it...it needs to play more subtley. i have no doubt a more skilled writer could have pulled it off more effectively
i have a long way to go as a screenwriter and i will keep working on it.

cheers.

Quoted from Penoyer79 Natasha was a devil character there to coherce and seduce Billy to press the button... if that happens... Billy goes to hell... and Natasha wins her prize. the way i wrote it didnt work. i had trouble executing it when writting it...it needs to play more subtley.

Chris, this is one of those things I don't understand.  What would make us realize this?  Did I miss something in the script?  Or is there something I'm just not aware of in general?

My point is that I personally don't see any reference that would suggest any of this.  Know what I'm saying?  

Not trying to be contrary here but I would say it was pretty obvious who Natasha was - not at the beginning but by the end and maybe not the devil exactly but at the least some kind of demon trying to tempt him.    

Quoted from mcornetto Not trying to be contrary here but I would say it was pretty obvious who Natasha was - not at the beginning but by the end and maybe not the devil exactly but at the least some kind of demon trying to tempt him.

Well, I must be missing something or just stupid.

What is obvious about it?  What makes it obvious?

If this script dealt with 2 people in a "real" situation, much like the Saw films of which this resembles early on, are we to believe that anytime an attractive female recommends making 1 of 2 choices that she's a devil of sorts?  A temptress who has an ulterior motive?

I'm not trying to be a jerk here at all.  I just honestly don't see what I'm missing.

after billy refuses to press the button... the timer runs out.... Natasha curses billy and his "God" and morphes into a demon like character... then he is released from purgatory...and is reunited with is mom.

btw i noticed a lot of Saw references in these reviews...i have not seen Saw.

the inspiration for this came from 'Cube' and old Hitchcock movies. the original idea was simply a group of stangers waking up in a room with a red button that says Dont Push...

Quoted from Penoyer79 after billy refuses to press the button... the timer runs out.... Natasha curses billy and his "God" and morphes into a demon like character... then he is released from purgatory...and is reunited with is mom.

Well, yeah, at that point...sure, but...

Let me try this another way...and please note, I'm only trying to help and make it clear what I personally am missing.

If these 2 same people were on a deserted island and were hungry or downright starving, and a waterproof Domino's extra large deluxe pizza washed up on shore, with a note attached to it, saying, "DO NOT EAT!", and the chick said, "Yes, let's eat, I'm starving", is there any difference?

Quoted from Dreamscale If these 2 same people were on a deserted island and were hungry or downright starving, and a waterproof Domino's extra large deluxe pizza washed up on shore, with a note attached to it, saying, "DO NOT EAT!", and the chick said, "Yes, let's eat, I'm starving", is there any difference?

Yes.  Eating is a necessity.  Pushing a button isn't.

if you want to get biblical....its kind of like the Apple in Genisus. God said to Adam and Eve all of eden is yours...but whatever you do "DON'T eat the apple from that tree!"

sure enough Eve was seduced by Satan and ate it..

same concept.

Now you're gettin' Biblical - I just HAVE to join in here!

Key plot point, I think really. The Biblical angle is about a test of free will, yes - but don't loose sight of the allegorical nature of the whole thing. The Garden of Eden provided everything good that Adam and Eve ever wanted - so there was no need for them to 'push their button' - and that's part and parcel of the whole thing - 'here's everything you need - now just don't do THAT' - 'cos it ain't going to do you any favors (they are told what fate awaits them) - and guess what happens? This is very different to your tale - where they are compelled (many would say) to press the button - in fact - it could be argued that it would - within the circumstance, be a fairly rational choice.

As far as the woman is concerned - sorry, but I don't think it's executed in the best way. Her changing to a devil creature sort of takes you out of the story - I'm not saying it doesn't work, but maybe there should be some reference - there is something there - but I think it needs tweaking out a little bit --

-- so she 'stands over him' and say 'good - you're not dead' - quite a harsh line, really - but then she kneels down next to him - maybe keep her standing - lick her lips or something he doesn't see - or something where you keep some kind of superiority thing going. With the seduction - this is a last gasp thing - she's getting desperate - but it just comes over as an odd diversion: she's going through a downward spiral here - and I think you need to play that out a little be more -- cleanly?

That's my thought anyway.

Simon

Simon, great feedback!

you just isolated the problem with this story for me.

this whole time i thought it was the interplay/relationship between Natasha and Billy that was the problem... but actually thats just an incidental failure...... the real problem is Natasha  herself. she is a failed, under-developed character.

i spent all my time focused on billy... that Natasha simply became a reactionary figure motivated by plot only and not by character.

now i know how to play her..... i know how to play the relationship now.  

Hey Chris,

Been seeing you around the boards lately...
Thought I'd give this a look see.

Reads reasonably well...
Being dialogue heavy, the pages move pretty quickly.

P. 5
Todd's entrance seems ham fisted.
And the generic bully/milk money stuff clunked for me.

P. 7
Seems we're playing Todd Greatest Hits tonight. Meh.
All the cookie cutter abuse tropes are present...
But they don't come to life on the page for me.

P. 9
Too much drama forced fed over two pages.
Even harder to take the abuse band wagon stuff with a ticking bomb counting down.

P. 9
They just met and Billy's calling her Nat? Weird.

P. 10
The push my button before we push the button stuff...
Kinda looses me. I thought they were strangers at the start.

I couldn't wrap my brain around the melodrama.
It felt like grandstanding to me... likely due to a lack of specificity in the dialogue.
I don't respond well to general circumspect type messages, like Mom's speech.

Any one of these dramatic flashback incidents is short script worthy.
The magic is in the details... hence, the general sweep here didn't grab me.

Legitimize those big melodrama moments with human details.
Kudos for tackling a serious subject matter. Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

thanks for the read, your criticisms are pretty much inline with the general consensus...... i'll keep working on it - tweaking it..... hopefully the screenplay will improve as i continue to improve as a writer.