Quoted from SiColl0007 Hi Mark - tried to read some of the feed-back - but I'm a bit pissed right now so please forgive if I'm re-treading ground.

I love it... Glad Coop agrees   It`s the only way to get through my scripts

Quoted from Forgive I really really like the twist at the end - I didn't see it coming, and I thought it was actually quite subtle - (though I didn't think you need a screaming Jessie when the cops first went off) -- 'where' should be 'we're' - but I liked the use of the prop - and I think that the end this really packs a punch. In summary for me - great story 'n' great thinking that's confounded by some formatting issues and too many grammar issues. Deserves, & I hope you'll do, a re-write on this.

Thanks Simon.. Glad you enjoyed the twist at the end, that`s what I was going for.. Thanks for pointing out the format and grammar issues... I know it need to be tightened up, it's my first crack at drama and I wanted to  get away from writing TV scripts.

Mark,

I'll start by saying some might have issues with some of your descriptions e.g. 'they're as dirty as sewage'. Some might say this is unnecessary but personally I have no problem with things like this.

I'm not sure if this was suppose to read like this but I got a very black comedy feel from it.  The two officers were interesting but not sure what the facebook references were about?

The ending came across well and I enjoyed it throughout.  I did think the Hobo would play another part though. The opening scene is really only to show the Officers bad attitudes towards the public.

Anyway nice job.

Alffy  Sorry it took so long to take back to you, work has been crazy

Thanks for your feedback, glad you enjoyed it

Mark

The stabbing of the hobos hand took me by surprise and immediately told me what kind of characters these two crooked cops were. I got the sense that something was going to go down by the way they were talking to each other around bobo the hobo, but good job presenting them as stark characters.

The car ride scene on the way to the jumper was weak for me. All the facebook talk was distracting and didn't really add much to the story or the characters.

Then we get to the jumper, once he pulls out the watch I expected the cop to say "Hey, that's mine". You go this way with the ending, so despite me seeing how it would turn out, I still liked it. AS it was mentioned before, this could be a great opening for something bigger. As it is right now, it reads like an exercise in writing.

Clean up the formatting and come up with a riveting story/world that these characters inhabit and I'll be reading it in no time.

Quoted from TheUsualSuspect Clean up the formatting and come up with a riveting story/world that these characters inhabit and I'll be reading it in no time.

Thanks this means a lot... As I said before, it`s my first crack at drama/thriller... Usually comedy...
Ill try and take it to the next level.

Mark