Hey Reggie,

Seen you around the boards lately.
So, I thought I'd give this a look see.
I ran a couple pawn shops back east, this should prove interesting...

P. 3
THis line confused me...
Unknowingly, Kurt hands him his driver's license. The
saxophone distracts him.

How does one not know he's handing over his license?

P. 5
Think I missed the part where Kurt got a job.
He's throwing money around the bar.
So, I guess this scene is much later than the previous.

Pretty good read.
Didn't need the genie reference in the opener.
The beard was enough of a cue.
Reminded me of a less aggressive Needful Things type deal.
Believable pawn shop descriptions too. Nice work.

Regards,
E.D.

As I go:

Page 1:  What sort of case?  It'd just be nice to have a bit of a sense of size, here, or something.

Page 3:  As Brett says, "unknowingly" is odd.

Thoughts:

I dunno.  The end teaser suggests to me that the Pawn Broker is meant to be an integral aspect of the downward movement for these characters; ie, if they hadn't run into him, their lives wouldn't have gotten worse.  The conceit as I understand it is that he brokers a new direction for each in life; the problem here (for me) is that their lives probably would have gone much the same anyway.  Kurt trades in the metonymous sax, his musician's life, for the suit, a business life, but it doesn't work out.  Thing is, his life wouldn't have worked out anyway.  Since the Pawn Broker didn't really need to have done what he did, he's ineffective as a character, and therefore the story itself seems a little bit irrelevant.  Two people's lives go downhill.  So?  The hook is the genie/Pawn Broker, but he doesn't actually do anything, as far as I can tell.

The other issue for me is that you introduce both Jenny and Kurt during the climax of their story; the whole rest of the short is denouement.  I think there might be a little more punch if we saw a bit of (at least) Jenny's life before she makes her trade.  

I like the fairytale setup and the writing is good, but I think that your main device, the Broker, is suffering from a lack of relevance.

Liked "fuck face twins," good moment.  An apt summation of the way people often feel about their coworkers.

Fun but flawed.  Concisely written.

Electric Dreamer - hey, thanks for the read.
pg 3 - I didn't write clearly enough, methinks. While Kurt reaches for his credit card, his eyes look up at the saxophone. It distracts him. So instead of the credit card, he hands over his driver's license.
pg 5 - As stated by others earlier, and I agree, I didn't do enough to show that time passed (a year to be exact).

Thanks again for the read. Once I'm done with the 7WC, I'll check out your stuff. I'm assuming the ones linked to the bottom of your profile? Lie Detector and Clone Wife.

Heretic - pg 3 - "unknowingly" is a poor adverb. I tend to avoid adverbs as it's lazy writing. And in this case, my reliance on an adverb created more confusion than clarity. When/if I get back to this short, these adverbs will be the first to go.

I didn't intend the short to have a deeper meaning. I was playing with the idea of a pawn broker as some sort of mystical person. Now that I've seen "Once Upon A Time", the character Rumpelstiltskin represents the type of fairy tale character I was looking for.

If I ever decide to take this idea and make it longer, I'll have to revisit this devil character - possibly give him a different profession.

"The other issue for me is that you introduce both Jenny and Kurt during the climax of their story; the whole rest of the short is denouement." Agreed. The challenge for shorts is to tell as much story with the fewest amount of words, but in this case, I didn't do enough to provide background story, hence the empty feeling in the end. I'll have to raise the stakes in my next run through of this thing.

Quoted from kingcooky555 Electric Dreamer - hey, thanks for the read. Thanks again for the read. Once I'm done with the 7WC, I'll check out your stuff. I'm assuming the ones linked to the bottom of your profile? Lie Detector and Clone Wife.

Hey Kooky,

There's a link to all my scripts right below those.
Lie Detector is a short that was recently picked up for production.
Clone Wife is a feature, feel free to crack the first ten and see how it goes.
That would be pretty helpful since it's in development with a feature producer!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Reginald,

Not a bad little read overall but it did come off as confusing in the latter parts. The year gap was missed by not only
me but by everybody else it seems when reading back through previous feedback. This definitely needs to be clearer but I think you know that already.

Also the exposition of showing doesn’t work, I can understand you maybe “unknowingly” giving someone your driver’s license once but twice…not so sure.

Another thing I wasn’t sure of is why Kurt handed over his credit card and then twenty dollars? And if he is so hard of cash, why is going for a private dance?

Little problems really on what is a well written script IMO, a good test of the new software you’re using.

Good work.

Steve

Hey Reginald

I've had my eye on this one for a while and I thought I'd finally give it a go.

I've only skim-read the feedback, so I'm sorry if I repeat what has already been said.

On page 1, you have "Someone must have rubbed Aladdin's lamp and out came this pawn broker." - Sentences like this I just don't see as necessary. Sure, it gives us a good idea of the sudden change in character, but it doesn't really add much to the story, if you know what I mean.

He sold the saxophone because he needed the money, but then he goes ahead and offers more money to get the sax back... Huh?

Also, Kurt doesn't seem like a broke character. Anybody who's broke wont have the money to go to a strip club in the first place... Surely.

Page 6: "He doesn't hear her or pretends not to." - Which one is it? Try committing to one.

These were the only things I managed to pick up on. I often found myself glazing over and not paying much attention to the writing, so there may be more.

Overall, a fairly decent read. Keep up the writing  

Daniel

Reginald

This has potential but needs a rewrite. There is a worthy story here about losing sight and appreciating the value of things, sentimental or otherwise while following your dream over a more secure but dreary existence. Unfortunately, its buried under an unfocused, murky  narrative .

I get how  Kurt regrets selling his instrument (although I don’t understand how it’s costing him money, perhaps his saxophonist career hasn’t work out and its stopped him from pursuing other, more practical ways to make a living) he appears to have given up his dream while Jenny symbolically purchases it en route to a new way of life. That central idea is intriguing and worth exploring.

“Someone must have rubbed Aladdin's lamp and out
came this pawn broker.”

-- Good description.

KURT
How did you—

The pawn broker lifts the saxophone from the case. Twirls it
around. Points at an inscription labeled "JENNY."

-- How come Kurt is surprised by this and doesn’t know about the inscription considering he’s selling the instrument?

I liked the repeated gag of Kurt handing over his licence by mistake instead of money, the bartender response was amusing too.

However it doesn’t amount to much because we don’t find out enough about Kurt’s story. What’s his plan B, where does he go from here besides cheering himself up in strip clubs? Having him buy the instrument back off Jenny at such a financial loos seems like folly. I realise that he only now grasps the mistake he’s made seeing where it’s ended up but what was the point?

Jenny’s arc isn’t fully realised either I reckon. She just ends up selling the instrument back to him, at massive profit sure but where does she go from here? Again, what was the point?
I do believe there’s an interesting theme here at work but it never gets properly investigated. As a suggestion, how about Jenny and Kurt get together on the basis of the instrument? They both seem alone, at a crossroads in their life but this chance coincidence could bring them together. They could help one another get through this transitory moment in their lives. Jenny can encourage him to go back being a saxophonist or something completely different while Kurt can convince her that stripping isn’t the noblest way to make a living. Or, on the other hand, they except their faults and choices and just be there for one another. I know that all sounds a little cheesy but something needs to be injected into this to make the story coalesce better as a whole.

As it’s written, Kurt gets his sax back, is up a suit but down over 500 bucks! While Jenny is a fledgling stripper without her USP of miming a sax! It cries out for some kind of resolution involving these two characters, in my opinion. Going back to the Pawn Broker is pointless and oblique as I feel the script is really about the struggles of Jenny and Kurt. I want to know more about them, not some guy who rips people off.

Keep at it.

Col.