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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  We Won Lotto.††Or Did We. Moderators: bert
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  Author    We Won Lotto.††Or Did We.  (currently 1778 views)
Don
Posted: June 19th, 2012, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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We Won Lotto. Or Did We. (A true story) by Alex Sarris - Short, Comedy - This is a true story based on the bizarre events that took place on the night of the Lotto draw. Could this family become millionaires or was it just their fate. 8 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  June 21st, 2012, 1:45pm
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killacozzy
Posted: June 19th, 2012, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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I really don't know what kind of constructive feedback I can offer here....

First off, kudos on your format.... for the most part, it's spot on. Could've used a few more slugs when time passed, but otherwise, it was easy to read in that respect.

Grammar-wise, this needs a lot of work. We are does not contract to "where", just like you are does not become "your". Commas should not be used to combine sentences either. I would proofread and have someone else proofread for you.

The dialogue in general is stilted, on-the-nose, and expository. People don't talk like this. Also, none of the characters speak in their own voices. They all speak in this awkward, on-the-nose manner. It makes what the characters say boring.

The story is really uninteresting as well due to the stilted dialogue and barely there action lines. This needs some suspense. Some conflict.

Can't say what it could be, but I can tell you it's not cutting it as is. The writing and storytelling both need a lot of work.

Suggested reading is "Story" by Robert McKee and "The Screenwriter's Bible" by David Trottier.

If you decide to keep with it, good luck on your next draft!


Anthony Kilburn
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3151866

Features:
This Film Hates You, Avant-Garde (pre-production)
Chiaroscuro, Baby, Drama (self-produced)

Shorts:
Disposable, Drama (self-produced)
Present, Drama [color=orange](
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Felipe
Posted: June 19th, 2012, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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You start this off with passive writing:

"Sits" sounds much better than "is sitting."

You page numbers are centered for some reason. They should be on the top right side of the page. What software are you using?

Leggo should be spelled Lego.

The biggest problem I see with the script is the dialogue. People don't really talk like that. I couldn't tell you who said what in that story because they all sounded like the same person.

A good example is when Richard said, "I donít believe how your brother Luis bought me a lotto ticket for my birthday."

There is way more information in that sentence than there would be in a normal conversation. Tanya knows her brother's name. Richard doesn't need to tell her. If she has many brothers and he wants to spcify, he can just say Richard and not mention he is her brother; she knows.

You could condense that sentence to, "I can't believe Richard got me a lotto ticket." That's all you really need. You could even compress it more if you wanted to, but it's just an idea. If you think about this while writing dialogue and listen to your inner voice, the story will sound much better.

I actually laughed at Luis' initial response to being told it was a winning ticket. Nice choice of word. =D

Sadly, I don't think this is really enough of a story to base a whole script around it. It seems like a funny story to tell the family, but it doesn't really warrant being told in a script unless you flesh it put more. It can be a part of a bigger story, but as it stands, it's just a scene, not a movie. Good luck taking it to the next step!


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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Alex_212
Posted: June 19th, 2012, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Guys,

I just did this one for a bit of fun and probably rushed it a bit more than I should have.

I will talk through the dialouge and adjust the wording to sound more realistic and maybe add a bit more OOMF in parts.

Thanks for the read.

Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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Hey Alex,

Starting to bang out these shorts aren't you. I worry you're running out of ideas though as this is a true story about someone winning 15 bucks on the lotto.

Yeah I'm afraid this one didn't a lot for me and at 8 pages felt rather long for what this is but that's the least of your worries here.

There are lots of simple mistakes on display in the writing, grammar, typos and again the wrylies are all wrong. Maybe this is something to do with your software but I find it difficult to believe that.

But like already stated, the dialogue is worst part here. Sorry but I have to be honest, it's just plain horrible my friend.

I mean look at the opening line:

"Itís your birthday on Friday, you looking forward to it?"

All the dialogue comes off as so unrealistic and very much on the nose. At times it's quite humorous to be honest and not in a good way I'm afraid to say.

You need to work on this aspect of your writing but you're not alone in that department, we all struggle with dialogue at times and hopefully this will be a good learning curve for you.

Sorry to be harsh, mate.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve
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danbotha
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 1:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Alex

I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with everyone else, mate.

As well as grammar issues previously stated, some of the formatting is a bit off, as well. Your parentheticals, for example are a bit off.

e.g. Page 1:

                RICHARD
  (Shaking his head) All the years...

should be...

                RICHARD
        (shaking his head)
  All the years...

and again, on Page 2:
      
                RICHARD
  OK. (Pause) I'll get the kids.

should be...

                RICHARD
  OK.
         (Pause)
  I'll get the kids.

Hopefully you get the picture from that. I hate to say it, but the dialogue was incredibly on the nose. Just read over i t, out loud to yourself and you should make some progress.

This one is a little harder to review, for some reason, but hopefully I haven't been wasting your time.

Best of luck.

Daniel


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 1:43am Report to Moderator
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Alex, I'm sorry but I have nothing positive to say here.

As others have said...the dialogue is truly hysterical...as in a big old pisser.  I have to be honest and tell you this.  It's really bad.

Again, as others have said, mistakes of every kind on every line.  Punctuation is brutal.

Hey, the good news is you're in a great place and I've seen you reading and commenting on scripts, so I'm sure you'll get lots of great feedback and advice. Quid Pro Quo, bro...give and get back in spades.

I apologize for being harsh, but you need to know up front if things aren't working.  Keep at it, and you'll see progress with each and every effort.

Late.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Alex_212
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 2:01am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Daniel, Steve and Late,

Yep. I have been reading many scripts and commenting on a fair few so starting to learn a lot from SS.

This one was submited 3 weeks back and i really should have gone through it more before posting.

I have started using dropbox so i can update my own script on SS and hopefully this will allow me to do extra edits after posting.

I am really amazed at how quickly you can pick things up on SS and i am really excited about moving forward.

Thanks for the read and sorry for the product. Will spend more time checking before posting next time.

Regards Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 3:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Alex_212
Thanks Daniel, Steve and Late


Who's late? He's actually called Jeff, Alex. Let's just say he's well known around here.

I think he may have been referring to the time as in it's late at night where he is?Damn time zone!

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Alex_212
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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No idea Steve though he signed at the end Late, so i called him Late.

I thought maybe he was referring to the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland.

Sorry Jeff.


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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  You guys are funny.

"Late" as in Later...or see you later.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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