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We Won Lotto. Or Did We. (A true story) by Alex Sarris - Short, Comedy - This is a true story based on the bizarre events that took place on the night of the Lotto draw. Could this family become millionaires or was it just their fate. 8 pages - pdf, format
I really don't know what kind of constructive feedback I can offer here....
First off, kudos on your format.... for the most part, it's spot on. Could've used a few more slugs when time passed, but otherwise, it was easy to read in that respect.
Grammar-wise, this needs a lot of work. We are does not contract to "where", just like you are does not become "your". Commas should not be used to combine sentences either. I would proofread and have someone else proofread for you.
The dialogue in general is stilted, on-the-nose, and expository. People don't talk like this. Also, none of the characters speak in their own voices. They all speak in this awkward, on-the-nose manner. It makes what the characters say boring.
The story is really uninteresting as well due to the stilted dialogue and barely there action lines. This needs some suspense. Some conflict.
Can't say what it could be, but I can tell you it's not cutting it as is. The writing and storytelling both need a lot of work.
Suggested reading is "Story" by Robert McKee and "The Screenwriter's Bible" by David Trottier.
If you decide to keep with it, good luck on your next draft!
You page numbers are centered for some reason. They should be on the top right side of the page. What software are you using?
Leggo should be spelled Lego.
The biggest problem I see with the script is the dialogue. People don't really talk like that. I couldn't tell you who said what in that story because they all sounded like the same person.
A good example is when Richard said, "I donít believe how your brother Luis bought me a lotto ticket for my birthday."
There is way more information in that sentence than there would be in a normal conversation. Tanya knows her brother's name. Richard doesn't need to tell her. If she has many brothers and he wants to spcify, he can just say Richard and not mention he is her brother; she knows.
You could condense that sentence to, "I can't believe Richard got me a lotto ticket." That's all you really need. You could even compress it more if you wanted to, but it's just an idea. If you think about this while writing dialogue and listen to your inner voice, the story will sound much better.
I actually laughed at Luis' initial response to being told it was a winning ticket. Nice choice of word. =D
Sadly, I don't think this is really enough of a story to base a whole script around it. It seems like a funny story to tell the family, but it doesn't really warrant being told in a script unless you flesh it put more. It can be a part of a bigger story, but as it stands, it's just a scene, not a movie. Good luck taking it to the next step!
'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
Starting to bang out these shorts aren't you. I worry you're running out of ideas though as this is a true story about someone winning 15 bucks on the lotto.
Yeah I'm afraid this one didn't a lot for me and at 8 pages felt rather long for what this is but that's the least of your worries here.
There are lots of simple mistakes on display in the writing, grammar, typos and again the wrylies are all wrong. Maybe this is something to do with your software but I find it difficult to believe that.
But like already stated, the dialogue is worst part here. Sorry but I have to be honest, it's just plain horrible my friend.
I mean look at the opening line:
"Itís your birthday on Friday, you looking forward to it?"
All the dialogue comes off as so unrealistic and very much on the nose. At times it's quite humorous to be honest and not in a good way I'm afraid to say.
You need to work on this aspect of your writing but you're not alone in that department, we all struggle with dialogue at times and hopefully this will be a good learning curve for you.
Alex, I'm sorry but I have nothing positive to say here.
As others have said...the dialogue is truly hysterical...as in a big old pisser. I have to be honest and tell you this. It's really bad.
Again, as others have said, mistakes of every kind on every line. Punctuation is brutal.
Hey, the good news is you're in a great place and I've seen you reading and commenting on scripts, so I'm sure you'll get lots of great feedback and advice. Quid Pro Quo, bro...give and get back in spades.
I apologize for being harsh, but you need to know up front if things aren't working. Keep at it, and you'll see progress with each and every effort.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.